Raindrops On Roses

Control

Ryans pov: 

I still haven't gotten used to waking up here. I haven't gotten used to looking at myself and seeing Ryan in the mirror. I hate myself. I look down at my wrist I can't find an open place to add new cuts. I check my body trying to find some place. What about my ankles. Maybe if I cut deep enough I'll hit my Achilles tendon.

*I know it's mean to brag but onision replied to me again today! I feel famous. Well noticed. I feel noticed. https://youtu.be/9tZZF3Lt7HE - is the link to the video. He replied to me at 10:36. He even said my name and he didn't mess it up*

I grab the blade back out of my notebook. As I'm grabbing the blade I notice what the page says. "If you really love Brendon then how do you think he would feel if he saw you doing this. I know you're going to say that you think you deserve to die because of what you did to him, but you had no control over yourself and he knew that."

I sit down and cry with the blade still in my hand. I'm so sorry Brendon. I would've never done this to you on purpose. I love you. I toss the blade across the room. I get stand up and walk over to the wall. I push the call button. Two staff members show up to my room. "What do you need Ryan?" one asks. "I want leave my room," I tell them.

Walking out of the room and onto the unit is giving me flash backs. I remember running out here one night. I remember attack a staff member, trying to get their keys. I remember getting tackled and when they tried to give me a shot I took it from them and shot a staff member in the leg with it. I remember going through electro shock therapy. I remember being strapped down to this board and everyone on the unit was staring at me, even...

Tyler and Josh!  They're patients here. They're my friends. I see Tyler and Josh waving for me to join them. I walk towards them. "Long time no see!" Josh jumps up and high fives my. Tyler stays sitting down and gives me an evil grin, "Done pretending to be the famous Dallon Weekes from The Brobecks and saving Brendon I see," Tyler says.

"No," I say looking at the ground with tears starting to form in my eyes. "Hey you never know maybe this could all be a dream and you really are the all mighty and powerful Dallon Weekes," Josh giggles. Tyler punches Josh in the arm and says, "Don't confuse him more then he already is." They laugh. But, I don't find this funny. No wonder I made my friends so evil in my mind.

Melanie walks out of her room saying, "Geez guys I haven't heard you laugh that loud since Ryan was-," she cuts herself off when she sees me, "-here. Ryan! When did they let you out of your cage?" "Um," I don't know what to say. "He just got out here," Josh says trying to quiet his laughter.

"Well as long as you promise not to throw a chair at me again then I think we'll be ok," Melanie tells me. "I threw a chair at you?" I ask. "Yup you called me your dad and told me that you would never sit in the chair. Then you picked it up and threw it at me," she says. "I'm so sorry Mel I didn't mean to," I apologise. "It's okay, just promise not to do it again," she says. I promise her that I won't do it again even though I know for a fact I might do it again, because I guess I really can't control myself.