Recovery » nh.

23. Razor, wrists and deep cuts.

Caitlyn's POV.

We're now back in London, two weeks passed full of uneventful days except yesterday. Yesterday, Niall found out that I had a twitter so he keep on metioning me like a proud boyfriend and there you go, fans go wild and they started to shoot me with fucking hates. Well, some of them ship us, but out of ten? They're only three.

"I told you, they're going to accept and love us." Niall told me yesterday night, thankfully he didn't notice the rude comments. I'm happy for him though. I'm happy because he really think that the fans ship us even though not. They're only pretending. They pretend that they love me infront of Niall. And it hurts.

Two weeks, all you can see through your timeline was hate and it get worst because they already knew my twitter name and they keep on mentioning me.

"Jump off the cliff with satan."

"You're disgusting! Fuck off because Barbara is better than you."

"You're ugly, fat and nonsense! You should cut, whore."

The last tweet awake me. I remember when I got bullied on High School I always end up cutting myself because I can't take the shits they were throwing at me anymore and I guess that cycle will begin again, maybe it will start again. Or should I say, it was already started.

I began cutting since Monday and now it's Sunday. It's already seven days. Seven days of hurting myself. Seven days of crying at night and wishing everything will be back to normal. Seven days pretending that I'm happy. Seven days faking a smile. Seven days wearing a bunch of bracelete to hide the scars from Niall.

I wipe the tears that flowing through my cheek. I got out of my bunk and directly went to the bathroom. Thank God Niall wasn't here. I'm alone with Harry and Zayn, here in the tourbus. Once I looked at the mirror, my eyes were fluffy, totally bloodshot. I wipe the tears away and open the small cabinet above the mirror and grabbed my new friend, razor.

"And she sat on the floor, cutting her wrists. She didn't know why or what for; she just knew that she had to." I said between my sobs.

You know why people cut? Because it's a distraction. For one moment you don't feel all the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is the razor going into your skin. The blood dripping down your arm. You don't think about how alone you are or how fat you are and ugly you are. You don't think about the way people talk behind your back and the hurtful hate they threw at you. All you think about is blood. And the addicting part? Well, that's when all the pain comes back. When the cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the build up inside you. So you have to do it again, cut a little deeper so the numbness will last a little longer and the pain inside last a delayed longer. And as the pain inside get worse. It's all about control.

I cut myself a deep cut and the blood keep on flowing, well, I wanted this at the first place. The blood keep on escaping from my skin as I pulled and hug my knees on the floor, and felt my world slowly turning around..

Harry's POV.

I was on my phone scrolling through twitter, same as Zayn. I was bored so I decided to tweet some of our fans. While I was typing a tweet, Caitlyn jump off of her bunk and went to bathroom. I can hear her silent sob. What's up with that?

"Zayn, is she crying?" I whispered to Zayn, he simply nodded and handed his phone to me. I scroll his twitter down and damn, hates. She got all of this hates and that's the fucking reason why she's crying.

"Damn." I mumbled and got up from the couch and went to the bathroom door. I was about to knock, I heard she's mumbling something while crying.

"Caitlyn?" I called out while knocking the door repeatedly. I tried to open the doorknob but failed, no answer.