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Blurb:
Calum ap Brochan has grown up hearing whispers of tales once widely spoken about the Sea-people who ruled the Sea and governed the fate of the island that has always been his home. Yet the people that he has grown up with mysteriously disappeared before he came of age. Now few others remain beside himself. A feeling of doom is growing. The island is cursed. But why?
Title: I really like your title. It's intriguing, but it sheds enough light on the story. It's definitely something I'd check out on the title alone.
Cover: I think your cover is beautiful. The colors and the images really play well together. The moonbeams illuminating the sea and the shadow of the mermaid offer a mystical quality and immediately drew me in. The only thing I would consider changing would be the color of the title. Everything is blue and silver and the title sort of blends in with the background. Bringing the title to the foreground with a more dominant color and maybe central positioning would help focus the reader's gaze to a central focal point. Other than that, I really love your cover and I'd check out your story based on your cover alone.
Blurb: There are some tense issues and very small grammatical mistakes, but nothing big. Overall, your blurb does set the stage for the story. However, it feels a bit stiff. I'd flesh it out. Tell us about the island. What is said about the Sea-people? Tell us about Calum. How is he reacting to people disappearing? How long ago/recent have the disappearances been? What draws him into this mystery and what's at stake for him?
Characters: Donal is set up really well. We see what motivates him, how he thinks, what he feels. I am curious as to how is Donal related to the Calum's family. There's no mention of how the characters are related or the importance that Donal served to the community. Overall, you're good at establishing characters. Their actions and dialogue really do convey a lot about them, I find it easy to slip right into the story with them. Breaking it down by characters, Cameron and the father need more fleshing out, something distinctive that grounds them and makes them realistic and not just plot devices or figures in the background. I feel like Cameron needs more distinguishing features, everything he says and does could be said and done by Liam. We only get a small glimpse of the father and his interaction with Calum seemed a bit over the top and rushed all at the same time. For such an imposing character, and one that seems to be the lead decision maker, I feel like he needs a more fleshing out. There are also some inconsistencies regarding the amount of time since Calum last saw and spoke to his dad.
The interactions between Liam and his family and Calum are the most realistic. Liam and Calum most fleshed out, they play off of each other well but there are enough differences and conflicts to keep their relationship interesting. Iníswyn is also a good character, her interaction with Calum was interesting and I'd like to see more between them and read more about her.
Show more of Calum. He's a very solid character, but, thus far, it's a lot of Calum did X and Calum did Y. We don't get much introspection. For example, I feel like Calum wouldn't react so calmly to the realization that the Sea-people are real. A foundation of his belief was just broken, that warrants some reflection. Even if he does come to the conclusion that he accepts it, we need to see that transition and understand how he got there. It doesn't seem smart nor realistic (two traits that I would attribute to Calum, he seems very pragmatic) that Calum would go fishing late in the evening, when a storm is on the horizon, in an old Curragh when he can't even swim. I get that he's stubborn, but going out in circumstances like that need more than stubbornness to make me believe that he'd actually do it. Following along the lines of Calum seeming pragmatic, it's kind of hard to believe that Calum wouldn't notice people disappearing, especially people he was related to. On such a small island, people disappearing would seem like something that everyone would notice and give thought to.
That being said, I do think your characters are strong. You establish motives, habits, and needs very well and it helps ground the characters and lends an understanding of them to the reader.
Plot: Your plot is clear and easily identifiable. I'm not left wondering in which direction you'll be going. Each chapter has a purpose and I like the pacing that you've set. There are a lot of questions that I have that I hope you explain as the story goes on. One of the main ones is the history behind Calum's family and the other occupants of the island. How and why is his family on the island? What first brought them there? Were they the only family to go to the island, or was there once a larger settlement? And, of course, what happened between the Islanders and the Sea-people?
One small thing that I noticed: If it storms so much on the island, why is the ground always described as dry and crumbling and the crops failing?
Overall: You have some grammatical mistakes throughout the story, but nothing major. Your scenic descriptions are quite lovely, they're very vivid and really bring the story to life. It would, however, be nice to have more sensory descriptions from the characters and more reflection from Calum. Since you're aiming for an older time period the speech, and sometimes the descriptions of the story itself, can feel a bit stilted and it'll jar me from the story every once in awhile. However, each chapter ended well. I was eager to move on to the next chapter. You line up the mysteries of the island and the Sea-people well. For the most part, I fell easily into your writing. We find everything out with Calum and that makes the mystery and intrigue of the story all the more exciting. Your writing is a bit Tolkien-esque, so it was a definitely a joy to read!
P.S. If you're looking for a map-making website, check out Inkarnate! It's fantastic and it really lets you manipulate and make your world as you see it.
Congratulations on your win and we hope to see you in upcoming contests!
