Dignity and Depravity

Chapter XIX

Pregnant. 

The word continued to rattle around in Amelia's head for the last few weeks as she attempted to make sense of it all.  With child!  A little embryo was forming into the shape of a person and the incredible miracle of life was blooming inside her.  However, the miracle was eclipsed momentarily by a deep sense of fear and a paralyzing vulnerability that Amelia could not shake.  As pleased as she was by the prospect of procuring an heir for Eagleton Manor, Amelia was also petrified at the process.

Childbirth presented the risk of death at any moment.  Amelia had known several women in the village who had succumbed to death during or immediately post confinement.  Even Mrs. Moore had not been immune.  During her mother's rearing years, Amelia had witnessed both misery and felicity. The were the hours of continually toil waiting for the new life to cast itself from it's cozy womb into the world. One stillborn child has been born and brother who only lived for a matter of hours before his life ebbed away peacefully in Mrs. Moore's arms. Despite these sorrows, Amelia had also welcomed many other brothers and sisters, each time delighting in the joyous union of mother and infant.

Amelia longed to be comforted by that scene. With purpose, she revisited her memories from those moments reaching through the ephemeral visions to distill the emotions of her childhood. The immense and delightful peace that drifted in like angel's dust, pouring blessings and happiness into the lives of anyone lucky enough to witness a new life takings its first breath. Amelia imagined the scene with immense detail, trying to let the tranquility seep into her bones. However, her emotions seemed to be inverse functional. The harder Amelia toiled to remember the happier times, the more distant they became. Frustration expounded her discomfiture, and Amelia remained unsettled in her heart.

Contrarily, John had been so tremendously elated by Dr. Thurston's communiqué that he seemed to be floating on air. When her first hear the news, John would have immediately left the room an made a formal announcement to the guests at the ball had Amelia not adamantly protested.  The physician estimated that she was no more than a few weeks along. Uncertainty aside, Amelia felt intensely protective of her new child and wanted to keep her accouchement private for a little while longer. Once she began to show, those efforts would be futile. Finally, John acquiesced to his wife's request.

Instead, John had pulled Dr. Thurston out of the room and offered Amelia the comfort of having her mother and sister called.  Thankful, Amelia agreed.  Once Lottie and Mrs. Moore appeared, Amelia had tearfully confessed the doctor's conclusion.  The women provided hearty congratulations, especially to the overjoyed father-to-be who was standing in the corner of the room and prancing about like a proud peacock wearing on Amelia's delicate nerves. Plume yourself elsewhere, Amelia had meanly thought when she first spied his dance. Do you not see the ramifications of this news? How change is afoot? Yet, her heart softened immediately. No, Amelia chided herself, it is all plummy. I cannot begrudge his excitement and devotion that is not more than a pea in the pod.

Unfortunately, those forgiving thoughts were soon eclipsed by an insidious uncertainty that  crept into Amelia's consciousness and taken root: that what small element of her personality that was still her own, would soon be eclipsed by the role of mother and nurturer. Amelia's noble and dutiful streak was pleased at this perspective, but her independent and progressive side was nagging at her. Visions of feeding the body and mind of a child that was her own, holding it next to her breast and continuing to foster its existence were present. However, they often faded into others imagining her ever swollen body expelling little after little of pups like a prized breeding bitch who was devoted to its Master. And what of the dream?  What did the sprightly child in her vision mean?  Amelia felt certain that there was a distinct but covert, elusive message hidden there that tugged at the edges of her consciousness as when she was trying to sleep.