I'll Be Fine

Remembering Austin

I know virtually nothing about that hot bartender, other than A. He's not old enough to drink. B. He's charming as all hell. C. He seems to be a bit...overbearing. So Imma have to say no thanks.

J.R. Is literally part of a gang that's been stalking me and pretty much knows me better than I know myself. He seems annoying and stubborn, much like myself, and his gang claims they want to help. Sounds sketchy. He's got that adorable accent, though...

Don't even get me started on Gotham. If he wants to be all sweet and caring and helpful one second and then all cryptic and rude the next, I won't even bother until he gets his sh*t together...and who the hell names their kid Gotham? Seriously? How dorky.

I sink down onto my bed with a sigh. The pictures Gotham found of Austin...I don't know how he managed to get ahold of them. After he died, Austin's parents took every single picture of him down. Plus, he was never in school pictures. I only had one picture of him, one we took on my phone years ago. It's old and the quality is horrible, but up 'till now it was all I had left. Austin wasn't one of those guys that leaves a hoodie or something for people to hold onto after he's gone. In fact, he was quite the opposite. He always talked about how he didn't want to be remembered after he died. I don't know if his parents meant to fulfill his last wish, or if the pics were just too hard to look at on social media, but either way, it was like he'd just dropped off the face of the planet. No pictures, records on social media, and somehow the school's files "mysteriously" vanished. It was like he was a ghost, here one second and gone the next.

I still sometimes hear his voice. It's very weird, and very mental. Not to mention very...random. It happened first a year ago, when I was getting Starbucks. I heard his voice beside me and didn't think about it at first. I swear I heard him say, "Get me a Latte Macchiato." And so I ordered mine and then what used to be his drink. But by the time I got the drinks, I turned to give him one. Before I realized. I'd even started to say "Here-" and hand it to him before it hit me. That was the first time in a long while that I'd cried myself to sleep, but here lately it seems to happen more and more frequently. Stupid tear valves, suddenly opening themselves after years of isolation...

After that, it happened more and more frequently. Almost like book 2 Bella from Twilight, except I can't actually SEE Austin when it happens...bummer, I know. After Starbucks, it happened at the local supermarket. "Get me a pack of Ramen." Yeah, he used to LIVE off Ramen. Except he'd always add shredded carrots, corn, peas, anything of that sort. It always bothered his family. "Eat some chicken!" They'd always say. "Or salmon, or mango, or steak!" "Anything except those dreaded Ramen Noodles.." He'd always shoot back, "These noodles were there for me when no one else was." His home life always was...interesting. But that's a story for another day.

Starbucks, supermarket, I know you're thinking, "What next?" Right? Trust me, I was asking myself the same question. It turns out, the next place he struck was the place I expected least: the public library. I should explain a little more: Austin was a die-hard slacker. He'd never be caught dead at the library, unless there was an extra credit assignment at the library. He was always in dire need of extra credit. (The only extra curricular activity he did, or enjoyed at the very least, was being the school's sole member of the Maniac Attack, aka the school newspaper. Don't ask me who came up with the name.) Now, the boy actually was intelligent as all hell. He just profusely swore up and down that he'd never waste a brain cell at school. His logic behind it was kind of genius: teachers are unpaid all over the US, and most of our teachers are slackers as well. Depressing? Yes. Unless you're Austin. He argued that since they're always depressed and moping about this and that, our education very possibly was biased against the education system itself. Furthermore, many facts we learned in class could be easily disproven. Why rack your brains and spend days on an assignment if what you're learning in said subject isn't even accurate? I dunno, it sounded amazing when Austin said it. Then again, he always had a way of twisting his words to make them more appealing. Aaaaaaanyways, yeah. Where was I? Right, the library. So, one day I was at the library looking for a book on the American Civil War, specifically looking for information on Sherman's March To The Sea. Not for school or anything. I'm just fascinated with history. On this particular day, though, I couldn't find the book I was looking for, when I heard his voice. "Next section to the right." Sure enough, I'd shuffled right to find the exact book I was looking for. Impossible, and yet still very real. Or, in other words, trippy.

His voice was so real. Clear as day, low and dreamy. He had a sexy voice, I won't lie. And it was just there with me. Comforting, and yet frightening all the same. There one second, gone the next. Like it had never even happened. Like I was going crazy.

No one else ever heard what I was hearing. The look the Starbucks lady gave me proved that much. Austin. Even his name screamed charming. Which he was. He could've had any girl he wanted. Why he chose Avery, I'll never know. Avery, the heartless little bitch that broke his heart in two, gave it back to him, dissed him in front of the entire school (and if there was one thing Austin valued, it was his reputation), and left him sobbing. LITERALLY SOBBING.

The next morning, she wasn't in school. I made sure of that. I told the police (whom I convinced to open the case back up) exactly who and what to search for. Avery was imprisoned for leading a fellow human being to suicide. It was like she just dropped off the face of the earth. Avery was the school's golden girl. Her mother was a part of every single school club, and even helped out the Band teacher when it came to trips or fundraisers. Her mom was the living glue that held our school together. You'd expect her spawn to be sweet, charitable, honest, helpful...nah. Not Avery Avery. Avery only gave when she knew there were cameras involved, as proof. Avery Avery  slept with all kinds of guys, once slapped a girl for having breast implants, which was apparently "a disgrace to the entire community," had more Insta followers than Zendaya, was a die hard dieter and mocked anyone who wasn't, need I go on? Because it can all be summed up into a mere few words: She was a BITCH.

I adjust my position on my bed, suddenly uncomfortable. It always makes me feel sick, thinking about him...

I fell into an uneasy sleep, full of nightmares and taunting voices. You could've been there. You could've done something.

It's very unnerving, because a part of me still believes the voices. After all the therapy, condoling reminders from everyone I know, soft voices of various counselors, I still partly think it was my fault.

So you can imagine my surprise when hours later, my phone went off. A new text. But it wasn't the message that made my breath catch in my throat.

The message still haunts me, hours after. It'll surely become a recurring nightmare of mine. One that will forever sear into the deepest, darkest part of my soul. It would seem innocent enough to anyone else. But a part of my head still remembers Austin's call before he...did the deed. The hidden message he left me. He'd said he'd always love me, and that he'd find a way to be there for me, always. Back then, I was scared and didn't know what he meant.

New Message. From: Austin

It sends shivers down my spine.

Do I open it?

What if it's just a huge joke?

Yeah, that's it, it must be a big joke. A cruel joke, but a joke nonetheless.

Don't get excited. It's someone's cruel idea of pleasure.

Don't open it. No, don't you-

I SAID DON'T OPEN IT-

I feel my finger slide up to my phone, tapping on the new message shakily.

I take a deep breath. If this says what I think it says...

If he's not really dead...