I'll Be Fine

I Need To Wake Up...

🌹 UPDATED. PLEASE RE-READ🌹

"Yo, kid, get up." I hear, jolting awake from the back of the cab. The night's memories come rushing through my head, leaving me with a pounding headache. I stretch and I hear more than a few pops. My limbs are as stiff as a board from the long ride in an uncomfortable position.

I get out of the cab, looking around to see where I am. About 10 minutes away from home if I run. Maybe 20 if I walk. I close the door behind me slowly. The cab driver must think I'm uneasy, or possibly upset at not being taken all the way home. He couldn't be more wrong, but even so he scratches the top of his head and mutters, "This is as far as I can take you." I nod, backing away from the cab and starting my run home. I throw a "thank you!" over my shoulder, not looking back. Never looking back. Looking back only leads to longing and heartbreak.

During the walk home, I have a lot of time to think. I finally give up on thinking; too many aimless thoughts swirling around in my brain. Before I knew it, I couldn't think straight. I feel so dizzy...I take a seat on the sidewalk, resting my brain for a few minutes. Once I clear my head enough to walk without falling, I stand up slowly, testing my legs. And then I begin walking again.

Step, step, step. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere for a while, but the sidewalk I sat on shrinking in the distance says otherwise.

Eventually I reach my house. No lights are on and I dig my key out of my pocket. Unlocking and opening the door, the place feels more lonely than I'd ever thought possible. Loneliness is not a subtle feeling, it turns out...

I switch on the kitchen and hallway lights, the living room TV, open the window to my mom's study. I switch on her floor lamp and look at the room she spent so much time in. It's sparsely decorated, with plain white walls. The only decoration is the potted plant on the desk. Other than that, the room feels isolated despite the window being open. All along the walls are fling cabinets of various shapes and sizes. Not to mention the overflowing papers everywhere. Inching out of the cabinets, strewn all over her desk, piled on some areas of the floor. The entire office is a mess. Her desk is covered in junk. The cabinets are covered in papers, pens, binders. Anything you'd expect to find in a household office could be found in my mother's workroom. Somewhere around here, anyways.

I take a deep breath and exit the room, willing myself not to cry. I walk into my room, curling into a ball on my bed. The softness of my blanket beckons me to sleep. I answer the call, drifting off into a fitful, nightmare-filled sleep.

I'm only asleep for an hour or so before I wake up, screaming and gasping for breath. My sheets have become entangled around my legs, my fluffy blanket completely thrown to the floor.

My phone's clock confirms the time is 10 'til midnight. I untangle my legs from my sheets, slipping my feet into some old sneakers and pulling my hair back into a messy bun before leaving the house. I can't handle the deafening silence.

I jog a few blocks before stumbling into the only gym in town that's still open. A neon sign out front boasts that the establishment is open 24/7. Just what I needed. Freaky Fitness.

I head into the workout room after signing in. Mom had a membership here so I use her name. It hurts but I force myself to do it. Maybe I can match that pain with the burning sensation I associate with running. I head over to a treadmill, starting off at a high speed and gradually making it go faster. Faster. Faster still. On and on until I'm struggling to breathe.

I stop trying to keep my thoughts focused. I simply give up. It's pointless, and besides, it doesn't work. My thoughts are much too muddled and disoriented.