The Tears I Denied

Chapter 2

It’s 7 am and I really don’t feel like getting up.  I haven’t even reached the bathroom when my mobile phone started ringing, and I absolutely know that it’s Krein on the other line. I chose not to answer the phone and continue heading to the bathroom.

While taking a shower, a lot of things were circling my mind like, “Is this real?”; “Can I live up to their expectation?”; “Am I ready?” sort of things. Yes, I over think and I do it a lot and I always end up upsetting myself – that’s when I cut my thoughts off.

A few minutes in the shower and a few minutes of fixing myself, I headed out. I may not be that typical model-like writer who wows all the people around her; though I am also not that nerdy bespectacled writer who stays in her room all day avoiding contact with the outside world. I prefer classifying myself as someone in between. I believe I look good – I have dark brown shoulder length wavy hair, brown eyed and standing five feet six inches high and fair skinned. I can leave my place without any foundation on, but never without red lipstick and I’m okay with two-inch high shoes. I work as a linguistics professor at a university and today I am skipping work to go to the publisher’s office.

I arrive at 8:30 am and as I approach the company president’s room, I can feel my heart’s vigorous thumping. I am usually confident but I swear I’m really nervous now. A few steps before I reach the door, my phone began ringing, it’s Krein again. This time, I took the call.

“Yes, Krein? “ I answered.

“Karmilla Dominique! Where are you? I and the president have been waiting for you for like, twenty minutes now.” Krein said. I can’t actually tell if he’s joking or being sarcastic.

“Hell I’m quite too early for a 9 am call time, Krein! And for your information, I’m a few steps away from that room so I’ll get even with you after this meeting.” I answered back irritated.

Putting my irritation aside, I knocked and opened the door of the company president’s office. It was a spacious room with lavender walls. I found her sitting on her chair behind a table with Krein seated in front of that table. The head editor is a lady, who looked to be around the age of 35 to 40 years old, was flashing a smile at me while Krein was looking at me with a worried face.

Now I am confused. I continued to walk over to them. I smiled at the head editor and held out my hand to her.

“Good morning, Ma’am. I’m Karmilla Dominique Strand, and it’s my pleasure to meet you.” I said.

Taking my hand she said, “Well, good morning to you too, Ms. Strand. I am Annabelle Willis, I am an editor-in-chief and the president of this publishing company. It is nice to finally meet you. Have a seat. “I have a feeling that she is a nice person.

“Thank you, Ma’am. I hope I did not keep you waiting.” I said as I sat on the chair opposite Krein’s.

“Not at all, we are still on schedule, Ms. Strand. Your manager Mr. Walter arrived just a few minutes before you.” She said.

I flashed Krein an annoyed look before I faced Ms. Annabelle again, and she began to speak.

“Ms. Strand, I am so pleased to tell you that we are going to publish your book Secret Tears. I know it has been with us for quite a time now, but I hope you do understand that we have a lot going on in here. I have personally read it and I am moved and entertained at the same time. “She explained.

I was at a loss for words. I am so happy at the moment that I feel like crying.  All the doubts and hardships boiled down to this glorious moment.

“You don’t know how blessed you made me feel by that, Ms. Annabelle. Thank you so much.” I responded.

“I have always believed Karmilla will make it. She’s really amazing. “ Krein butted in.

“Well, sometimes, it really takes a long time, but it’ll always come. “ Ms. Annabelle added.

The meeting continued for another hour, we discussed the whole process and the agreements and everything. They told me the expected date of launch and I just can’t contain my excitement. When the meeting’s over, Krein and I stopped for pizza. Krein’s been quiet since the meeting ended. I felt it was awkward so I started a conversation.

“Pizza! Finally, after a week of deprivation I’ll taste heaven once more!” I exclaimed facing him.

“Yeah right, one week without pizza is deprivation to you? Oh God.” Finally he answered back, sarcastically though.

“What’s the matter with you really, Krein? Jeez, I got paranoid thinking of the various reasons for you not talking to me! “I said, relieved that he’s back.

“I’m just...just not in the mood to talk right now. “He answered. He kept on looking outside the window.

“What is it now, Krein? Aren’t you happy for me?” I asked.

“I am, Karmilla. I am happy for you; perhaps I’m happier than you are right now. It’s just that...I-I don’t know.” Krein answered.

“Stop being a girl now, Krein. You’re never like that.” I said.

“Tell me, Karmilla, are you really okay with that book of yours getting published to the whole nation and maybe to the whole world?” he asked, he looks more agitated this time.

I am caught off guard as I stared at him, puzzled. Why is he asking me this thing now?

“Y-you mean am I okay with the nation or the world knowing that story? Of course I’m okay with that. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have written that in the first place.” I answered. Now, I’m also agitated.

“But that story is about your pain, Karmilla.” he insisted.

“You know Krein, I understand what you’re trying to say. It is about my pain and how I struggled to conquer it. I want it to be an inspiration to people. That is why I write. And besides...” I paused and looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“What?” he asked puzzled.

I grabbed him by the collar and said, “Besides, I never mentioned there that it is my real life story, you idiot! Why would I do that? And mind you, I added grace to the story! So stop this drama, okay?!”

The look in Krein’s face was very funny!

“I-I’m sorry, I almost forgot about that. I just got carried away and... I cared too much. Sorry.” he said apologetically.

Looking at him and judging the tone of his voice, I felt guilty for making fun of his concern. Krein has always been a good friend to me ever since we graduated from college back in our homeland. We finished different degrees but we had common hobbies and that brought us closer. He’s good at criticizing people and everything, especially at criticizing me and my works. He likes making fun of me and calls me fat.  He’s never been the protective type, but recently, he’s changed and I wonder why.