Stars in the sky, stars on the ground. I hate to admit it, but it's so beautiful.
***
It's because I love you, okay?
Because I love you.
I love you.
I replay those words in my head until they seem to be coming straight from his mouth right now, at this moment. I recall the quivering in his voice when he said okay and the way his hand tightened on my wrist as he spoke. It was these little things that changed my mind about letting him go.
I turn over into my side on the couch downstairs, glancing at the TV that is playing What Not To Wear. I groan, rubbing my eyes and checking the time. 12:18 a.m. Jesus, I have to sleep. My body needs it. I still haven't recovered from last night, and ever so often I'll get a cramping pain in my stomach or a throb between my legs. I grimace in disgust. Had I not fallen asleep in that damn house. Had I not even let Hayden drag me to that party things would be so different right now. Add this to yet another thing I have to hide from my parents.
I hug my knees to my chest as I lie here restlessly. I find myself thinking back to my younger years, when I was being abused. I got lucky then. I was lucky those people didn't do more to me than they could've. But it would have been easier though had they just raped me and gotten over with it. I wouldn't have had to hide it if it happened when I was older - like now.
I can still feel Jackson's hands pawing me out of my sleep. They were rough and calloused, but without the comfort and gentleness that Mac's hands always possess. I was still delirious when I heard his twisted whispers, crinkling of something plastic, and the unzipping of his jeans as his shadow loomed over me, almost taunting. I was too late when I had realized what was happening. Jackson's lower half was completely bare in front of me and he had begun to pull up the hem of my dress. Slowly. Taunting. I was in shock and disgust and fear. I opened my mouth to scream, but his hand smothered the noise back to where it came from, shushing me into silence. Where was Mac? I needed him. I needed someone, something even.
Jackson cooed horrid things into my ear, things that only wicked people would think of. Then he pushed my dress up all the way to my stomach and what happened was that of nightmares.
This time I was able to scream, but I was paralyzed. There was no way to get me out of this. I wanted to kick out at him, to swing at him with all might, but I couldn't move. I felt my body involuntarily contract in something I can only explain as pleasure, even though I felt as if I was slipping in and out of death. This was not how it was supposed to be. I was not supposed to be reacting this way.
His thrusts into me were violent and left me in more excruciating pain every time. My body was fatigued and every limb throbbed in complaint. This was happening to me. I let tears stream from my eyes and I could hear myself moaning in pain. Just another cruel assurance that I was living.
It felt like hours before he finally stopped, and it was only after I heard Mac's familiar voice when I finally slipped.
Hearing his voice, that voice that was telling me how he thought about me only hours ago, was my reminder last night that I was going to be okay. That he was going to be there for me, even though he was too late. Later he would tell me the story of how he climbed the roof to get to the open window and how he beat the living shit out of Jackson because it meant avenging me.
I pick up my cell phone, dialing in Caitlyn's number and calling. She picks up after two rings, "Don't tell me Mac has something to do with this."
"Okay then I'll tell you to that I need tomorrow to be an 'us' day," I simply state into my phone.
"Bad day?" She asks me.
"One of the weirdest. I'll talk to you guys about it tomorrow," I answer.
"Okay," She agrees. "I'll let the girls know."
"Thanks, Cait."
"Oh and hey, before you hang up," She cuts in. "How are you feeling?"
I chew on my lip, my attention veering back to the throbs in my stomach. "Better."
"Liar."
"Honestly, I'm doing just fine," I try.
"Uh huh, look you don't have to talk to me about it, I just want a simple answer so I can know what's going on."
I sigh.
"I'm doing better. It's just hard to wrap my head around the facts," I admit. "I feel like I'm on my period and I'm sore and I just want to kill something."
Caitlyn giggles over the phone and I grin against my will. That's okay, she doesn't have to know.
"Cole, I love you. Now go to sleep." She says. I smile.
"Love you too. Night, Cait."
I hear the line go dead. I put my phone on the end table behind me. I curl up on the couch, pulling a thin blanket over my body and I try looking past the memories that I can see playing like a repeating cassette tape behind my eyelids.
***
Author's Note
Sorry for the short chapter. I haven't gotten much time to write nowadays. Thanks for checking in for Chapter 26! Love you all <3
