it all starts with something simple
the unintentional eye contact between you and some guy you walked past
out of every other possible thing you could've done, you made eye contact with him.
you were there, at the exact time and place for that moment to even exist.
all the small simple moments people never pay attention are really the most important
they're the start of something beautiful
and
even the most beautiful things can become ugly
fate is funny in that way
how it can bring something so terrible yet beautiful into your life
everything about that moment was accidental, pure luck
but you ran into him, and there's nothing you can do to take it back
time goes on and you forget about the half a second spent making eye contact with a stranger
dealing with a force as strong as fate
it makes it impossible for you to forget even the smallest moments
persistence is shown through fate as you run into him
time and time again
eventually after the sixth or maybe thirteenth time (you don't know, you haven't been keeping count) you finally talk
lastly,
everything that has been planned down to the second to ensure that you guys would talk, has finally begun
and in the moment, he's the most beautiful thing to ever happen to you
oh how wrong you were
in the moments to come
you go through the first date and spend the entire day agonizing over what outfit to wear and desperately depending on the opinions of your friends so you could make a decision
you meet him there and the second you lay eyes on him
you can feel your heartbeat start to rise
the closer you walk toward him the louder and faster it beats
it was as if your heart was in the final moments of a race, the crowd roaring with excitement as the runners push through for the final stretch, running faster than they ever have
surprisingly
your date goes well
days full of laughter and happiness come
you've never had these feelings for such a prolonged period of time
he is the love of my life
I've never felt this about anyone in my entire life
my heart is full with thesle feeling of love and cherishment, I didn't know were possible
in every hug
in the times you tell me you love me in the words encased with hope
in all the late night conversations
in the time you spend telling me everything you love about me
in how you make me feel better about myself
in the times you stayed up to talk to me to make sure I was okay
in how you were the only person to calm me down during my anxiety attacks
in everything you did
it was just so
So
different
and soon it became clear on why you're that way
we became closer, our love stronger
you created a dependent relationship, one where I depended on you
as time went on
you had me stitching my heart on my sleeve
you knew everything there was to know about me
emotionally
physically
you knew it all
I was ready to give you my all, to rip my heart off of my sleeve and stitch it onto yours
i was so focused on you words I didn't notice your actions
it's like I was blindfolded every day and I could only hear those sickly sweet and comforting words you would whisper to me as you would take a small piece of me
day and day again
it continued
you would have me blindfolded as you proclaimed your love and adoration for me
all while you took the last of me
and that one day
everything changed
my blindfold was finally removed and I witnessed the damage you had done
I heard all the words you said to me differently
I couldn't focus on you telling me it was for the best, that I deserved it, that it would get better and that you loved me as you kissed the bruise you left on my cheek
I couldn't ignore how you never let me out of your sight and I need to constantly update you on my whereabouts
I couldn't not pay attention to the overflowing number bottles of liquor in your back seat
I couldn't look away from the pressure you put on me to be the perfect person, the perfect outfits, the perfect appearance, the perfect job, car, walk, cook
the perfect everything
you told me you didn't deserve less than perfect
So I molded myself into the perfect person you left on my nightstand in a magazine
I changed every aspect of myself so I could please you.
I let you throw the bottles, the kicks, the punches
I let you do whatever you wanted to me because I knew that it was my fault
on those days when you helped me realize my mistakes
I would take a razor and cut away the imperfections and make an even newer, and ever been, a more perfect mold
every night I tuck myself into that perfect mold with the dreams of waking up of being the perfect person he wants me to be
days
weeks
months go by
im still not perfect
I have nowhere left to cut, no other imperfections to cut off, yet I'm still not perfect enough for him
it's getting impossible to hide the bruises forming over the fresh red lines that outline the mold of a perfect body
oh I tried so hard
i gave it my all to be that person you needed
i wanted to be perfect for you
and just like the moment when we made eye contact as you walked by
just that fast you were gone
every trace of you disappeared as if you never existed
but as I trace the scars and fading bruises I know you were real
you came and went
all your stuff gone
instead replaced with all the broken pieces of me that got left behind
i guess when it came to what to take with you when you left, your clothes were more important than me
I walk around collecting the pieces you left of me trying to put them all together again
I'm missing pieces
I've looked everywhere for them
buy they're not here
he decided to take a few pieces of me and my heart with him
I'm left alone
flipping through magazine after magazine
trying to find a new mold to fit into with the most important pieces of myself gone
and never to return.
