where do i begin?
how am i supposed to explain to someone emotions i dont even understand myself
how can i explain i would rather act okay then to open up to someone
reading from the script depression wrote for me. I put on an act, a five star performance that you all paid to see. you watch as i go from the happy girl i was, to one yearning to see the lines of red on her body once again. weeks of rehearsals as it takes me through the proper way to smile like i used to, to perfect my act of happiness i used to achieve so easily.
nights of studying, analyzing, and watching my friends, family, strangers, and the old me and how they show happiness. i would practice smiling, laughing, acting like a normal person while it's shadow would loom behind me ready to tighten its grip around my throat at the slightest slip up. the dress rehearsals before i walked into my therapy appointment, it was now or never. it was hard not to achieve perfection when you have a hand around your throat and a blade above your wrist. the scariest part of it all, is secretly you wanted it to tighten its grip, to push the blade down. it never occurred to you that it created your thoughts too
how can you understand what its like to have your only source of happiness come from a silver rectangle
hearing the soft whispers of encouragement. happiness was all i ever wanted since it poisoned me, i would do anything to have my happiness back; no matter the cost. it's like a drug, happiness; once you start and you get that first taste of what you used to be like, it's so hard to stop. it raged inside of its cell, dying to come out, all it wanted was freedom and i had the key to let it out. this depression i had trapped inside of me, stealing my thoughts, actions, words, my life.******************* the only way to free it from my life was to use that small piece of metal and use it against my skin. what i thought was my happiness told me the words i needed to set it free. it used the words like a spell as the final push needed to rid my life of this unbearable identity. i carved these words full of hatred and disgust into my body in attempt to scare it away but when all along it was wearing its devious smile behind the smile of happiness it taught me.
the pain never scared me away, i was never worried about the blood, or what would happen to me afterwards or if anyone found it. the only thing that mattered was that i tried to let it out. and everytime i was so close to letting it out, the final twist of the key, and every time i fell short and i would promise my happiness that stood beside me holding a tray of blades to choose from, that next time i would do better, i would push deeper, i would do more. whatever it would take to let happiness back into my life. **********************
how could i possibly ever make you understand the way the depression works it way through the inside out
polluting my insides, slithering its way around my body, coiling around my neck.
slowly but surely it does it jobs. creeping upon me from behind putting its hands on my neck and pulling me deep into the shadows where its impossible to get out sane, let alone alive.
this is where i end.
