I kissed my brother, and I liked it

Beautiful

I was a beautiful girl with a terrible past. Life flashed in my eyes for a few seconds.

I saw my mom sitting in her chair, rocking slowly and slowly. Her eyes were not there. They were never there. They always stared into nothingness. Into the nothingness of an undeniable and unchangeable past. I was always intrigued by her. By her weird ways. How she still clung to the little thread of hope that things might change. That dad might come back. But he never did.

A beautiful rose and a beautiful gesture that remained imprinted on her mind forever. After Mia was born, we were in a crisis. Jacob worked hard all day long to be able to feed the rest of us. It was never enough. A few years later mum told us she was in love again. Her mouth said it, but her eyes never did. She was still a blank canvas, devoid of any emotions. I learnt this from her. To never feel. To never acknowledge the pain so it doesn't hurt. To bottle it up and throw it away.

She got married again. We had Lilly. But yet again, the husband ran away. She believed she wasn't good enough any more. That it was just her beauty that attracted others sexually and that her heart never mattered. But this time, she didn't cry. She became a workaholic instead of an alcoholic. She'd work day and night. Studied, got degrees, started a business and made money. She was a woman with talent. A woman with beauty. A woman with capabilities.

Appreciated by many businesses, she got a lot of deals and offers and a lot of labour to put in her work. She used it wisely and became successful. Held meetings with the president and became one of the country's richest and most successful​ people. They thought she had it all. They were jealous of it. But they didn't know she had nothing. A gaping hole in her heart, if anything.

It was her fault, she said, to get married so young. To think she fell in love, and indeed she had, but she had to pay a price for it. I took it from her. I tried to learn from her mistakes and vowed to never make any of my own.

An image of Travis flashes through my eyes and I feel my lips twitch. I was sitting on my bed, crying. I wanted my mother's love more than anything. I wanted to be noticed. To be cared for. And it was driving me insane. I was screaming at nights just like Lilly does. If there was anywhere I was going, I was going down. In a hole I'd dug for myself. And then I saw Travis's arm around my shoulders​. His breath on my neck. His calm voices in my ear. He made it perfect. And I followed. I became my mum.

I thought I'd fallen in love and indeed I had, but I had to pay a price for it. He loved me too. He needed me too. But I guess only for a while. I think the place I had in his heart was a place many could've filled. But it wasn't vice versa. While he partied, I cried. While he swallowed alcohol, I swallowed tablets. While he kissed new lips, I craved the feel and taste of the last ones. I was broken, he built me and broke me down even more when he left.

But I've grown up. I am not taking chances any more. I'm only going to crush on people. Never take love seriously​ because it could never be. One night stands, and never making love. Keep the pain away. Kill the emotions. Kill the heart. Love can never be found unless it finds you. So, I'll wait. Give priority to things that really matter. Until, if a thing like love exists, crosses my way.

I felt something. Someone's lips on mine.

"She isn't waking up."

"Is she dead."

"NO IDIOT!"

"Wake up!"

"C'mon Cath!"

"Hey! Get the fuck off me", I yell at the lifeguard on top of me, giving me a mouth-to-mouth.

"Hey calm down lady. I was just trying to save your life."

"SHE'S AWAKE! WE WIN!"

The referee blows his whistle and someone wearing a Panthers t-shirt lifts me up on his shoulders. Coughing, I place my legs around his neck as people cheer for me. Someone pulls Kylie on their shoulder and we sit side by side. People get off from their seats and start running here and there, cheering for us.