The Days Of Kelsea's

(41) Saturday 20th October 10.34 p.m. My room

(41) Saturday 20th October, 10.34 p.m., My room

After being out all night last night, I slept in this morning.

I laid half asleep in bed for a while with the dull grey sunlight poking through the curtains and I planned on getting up late.

Eventually Kale texted me, which woke me up fully. The message was simple;

Let's hang out today. Just me and you.

Half an hour later he was driving me down those country lanes around the back of the neighbourhood. I hadn't spoken to Lucy or mum before I left as they were still asleep and Lucy was kind of on my mind; I was worried about the whole bullying business. I was wondering so much about if Christianna had told Kale anything about it, and if so, how much?

"What're you thinkin' about, Kels?" As soon as he glanced at me, Kale knew that something was up.

I sighed heavily and it felt as though the weight of the entire universe was on my back. "It's Lucy. I overheard her and Christianna talking and it sounds like Lucy's getting bullied or something. Yesterday morning . . . I tried to ask but . . . I guess I asked in the wrong way and she got angry."

He kept driving, slow and steady and sure. I watched him helplessly, waiting for him to speak. He looked as he did moments ago before he asked me anything, cool and collected, and concentrating on the road. He looked as if I hadn't spoken.

Then suddenly he took in a deep, deep breath - so deep you could hear it. And he muttered softly, "That's a hard one."

I bowed my head, disappointed. The worst feeling in the world. Neither of us spoke for a long time - beside me I felt Kale floundering for words even though he didn't move, and inside me I felt my heart sink like a broken ship.

Eventually to break the awfully awkward silence (and usually silence is never awkward between us) I asked, "Where are we going?"

"I thought we could have another picnic on the old field like last time. Remember?" He glanced over at me with hope gleaming green in his eyes and I couldn't help but smile as he whispered cheekily, "I've got blue lemonade."

I laughed and then he rested his hand on my knee as he pulled to the side of the deserted road. It was no summer day like the first time he brought me here but it was still just as beautiful, however in a different way.

Today, the auburn colours of October made the place smoulder and burn - leaves were littered on the floor and only a few now clung to the skinny arms of trees; they were soon to fall down. Winter is on it's way but the lead-up is magical.

Instead of summer clothes I had a thick scarf on and he had a quilted coat; we sat down in a pile of leaves with our arms snaked around eachother as if we were branches too, and Kale laid out some fruit and pastries and blue lemonade in front of us.

"Remember when we first came here?" I looked up at him and grinned and leaned into his hand as he touched my face with it.

He nodded and laughed loudly, looking like a little lion. "And remember when we walked up to that little stream and went swimming?"

I let the images flood back into my brain. "Yes! You scared me to death, Kale, stripping down without any warning . . ."

"As if you didn't like that! Don't deny it." He grinned and then leaned down to tease my neck with his lips. I was gonner. I already have been for ages.

It was cold, but Kale's presence warmed me up from the inside. It was perfect. Everything was.

We sat in silence for a while (no longer awkwardly) and all I could suddenly hear in my head, over and over, was what Kale had said last night - "I love you", again and again. Precious and warm and low.

I wanted him to say it again; I wanted to say it to him again.

"Autumn's my favourite month," Kale mumbled, and I watched his marine eyes, which made me think of summer, as they darted about the place.

"It's beautiful."

"Yeah. Which is funny, 'cause everything's dying, or fading." His eyes rested back on mine. "It sort of gives me hope about death, y'know?" He laughed. "That sounds so mental, but when I think of autumn I don't feel so scared of dying."

I smiled and pushed a few strand of his wheat-coloured hair off his forehead. "It's not mental at all." I paused, then said, "Everything comes back, as well. There's winter for a bit of a while, and it's depressing. But spring soon comes around."

Kale grinned down at me then took me by complete surprise by leaning down to kiss me, his firm hands framing my face. My lips grasped at his and I wrapped my arms around his neck, as his tongue teased my bottom lips and . . .

Okay I'll stop. Way too much information.

Anyway, we gave it a bit of the old lips, we lay back against the grass with our hands wrapped around eachother, and Kale whispered up into the clouds, "Sometimes I wonder about reincarnation, y'know? It sounds kind of nice. Like, you die, and it could be beautiful. Everyone misses you, and that's the winter, but then it's spring and you're born again. Things get even better and you live through summer. And the cycle goes on."

You can never go anywhere with Kale without having these deep, meaningful, philosophical conversations. I love it. Other boys in this town and at school would rather talk about sports or sex or show off to their girlfriends. Not Kale.

And it's funny how I used to think he was just like them, or even worse.

"I don't think anything will ever fully get my belief. I'll never be convinced," I began to say.

"But it's nice to believe in something. Or . . . Imagine stuff," Kale replied, turning his head to me.

"Exactly."

"Kelsea, you're perfect, you know that?" Kale gave me one of his free grins and I may have died right there and then as he kissed me again, on that cold grassy field under the October sky.

I don't know how long we stayed there, but we had to get back after only a short few hours because the sun is going down bloody soon these days. I don't remember much of today but at the same time I remember everything - the sharp colour of Kale's gold hair against the fresh grey skies, the stretch of his boyish smile, the smooth, dewy grass beneath my hands and the burst of blue bubbles on my tongue. If I could live in one day, it would be then.

At home, things were quite reserved. Lucy hid like an owl in her room, and mum and I sat silently with cottage pie in front of us at dinner time with nothing to talk about. It's gone past that stage of mum being excitable and raw to a new stage of awkwardness and silence, but not hostility.

I'm thinking that I'll wait another day or two to confront Lucy again. Definitely in a nicer way. I mean, how stupid was I, coming at her like that?

I feel like there is nothing that I can do fucking right.

Kelsea x