The Days Of Kelsea's

(31) Kelsea - Thursday 14th September, 4.30 p.m., Hospital Waiting Room.

(31) Thursday 14th September, 4.30 p.m., Hospital Waiting Room.

This is going to be quick, but I just have to get this panic out. When I got out of school I found Lucy in the playground and we walked home. School has been fine, normal, perfectly dull - just the way it is supposed to be.  

But . . . Then we got home. Oh gosh I can't handle this. Lucy beside me is as white as a sheet, paler than usual - almost grey - as she clutches her bag with white knuckles and a boy about my age across the room from us is just sitting there with his hands over his face, but I can see little tiny teardrops trailing down his wrists and his shoulders are shaking. A few seats down there is a woman of about twenty five with a baby, and the pair of them look close to tears. 

So, we got home. And my mother was frantically running around with two phones in her hand, one to each ear, and it looked so crazy that Lucy and I were laughing secretly at first. But then she put both phones down and saw us, grabbed her coat and then grabbed my arm in her left hand and Lucy's arm in her right hand. 

"Gram's at the hospital," she said, and her eyes were swimming, and then she pulled us both to the car and we only had time to drop our school bags down at the bottom of the stairs and Lucy was still in her uniform as we got into the back of the car (for like the first time in months) and soon enough we were driving towards the hospital. 

I didn't think mum could ever care so much about anything, but when we got into this waiting room she went into ultimate panic mode, shouting wildly at the receptionists or nurses or whatever they are behind the desk, crying out, "My mother is in Ward Eight, I must see her! Please, I need to see my mother." 

So eventually the poor nurses or receptionists or whatever they are allowed the crazy woman with the red hair through. And mum didn't even say goodbye as she was led through a pair of big double doors, away from us. 

"What do you think is wrong with Gram?" Lucy asked me in a wavering voice a few minutes ago. Of course I don't know so I told her that. And she slowly wrapped her arm around mine and is still like that, her eyes closed as I write. 

I'm just scared. Terrified, even. No one very close to me has ever been ill, and I know that it's very bad to think this, but what will I do if this illness is life-threatening?  

Being here in the hospital has made me realise that one day Gram will die. One day I will too - everyone will, and I'm going to have to deal with people dying and going to their funerals and being sad and not knowing what to do without them. I can't imagine life on this planet without Gram.  

I'm tearing up now as I write about it, but I don't know what I will do if she dies. Even if this illness isn't anything major and she gets out of hospital, one day Gram will die, and I don't want that to happen. 

Sorry, I can't write anymore. Tears are dropping onto the page and I need to stop before Lucy sees. 

- 

(Back in my room now, at home, 6.40 pm) Okay so after a few minutes, mum came out and told us to go in there. She wasn't crying but her cheeks were red and her eyes were wild-looking and as she led us up the stairs to Gram's corridor she had this weird walk on, as if she was waiting for someone to attack. 

As we stood outside Gram's room, Lucy grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight that I think blood circulation to my fingers stopped for a few minutes. I was worried that f Gram has her own room on the ward then things must be serious but I didn't ask anyone about that so I still don't know. 

To be honest, it kind of scared me, seeing Gram sitting up in the bed with dark circles under her eyes and a blue and white papery thin hospital gown on. She was watching the TV from across the room but when we came in cautiously, her blue eyes lit up and her face formed into a weak smile of about a thousand creases. 

"Hello, dears," she managed to get out in a scratchy voice. And I wondered what was wrong with her. 

"Gram," Lucy said shakily. She walked over to her and then grabbed one of her hands, before leaning down to kiss her forehead. 

I slowly went to sit by the bed, and I wanted to blurt out, Are you dying? But it wouldn't have been very nice. Sometimes we have to wait for the things we want to know the most, even if we never get them.  

"Don't look so worried," Gram told us, then smiled and it looked painful. She grabbed my hand, and hers was cold and rough, not like usual.  

"But, you're in hospital." I just stared at her. 

Her eyes widened. "Oh, don't remind me! I'm trying to forget it myself. Lets try and imagine we're back at my house, okay, girls?" 

Lucy just nodded, and I could see she was trying to fight back confused tears. I tried to catch her eye but she only stared at the opposite green wall. 

"Gram, what happened?" I had to ask. 

"You don't need to worry. I'm sure ill be out of here soon," she told me seriously. "And then it won't matter. It was just a little hiccup." 

And that was when my mother said very slowly from the other side of the room, "Mum . . ." 

I'd almost forgotten that she was there. It seemed that Gram had too, because she blinked and looked over at her.  

"Victoria," she said in a frowning tone. And they left it like that. 

Gram made us stay for a while and watch In It To Win It on the Lottery program with her, which she loves because she loves the presenter and always likes to answer the questions and see if she's right. Often Lucy and I play along with her, and that's what we did today as mum sat there and watched. 

But the whole time I just wanted to be back at Gram's house instead of there, pretending that was where we were. I wanted to know two things, why she was in the hospital, and when she'd be out. But I found out the answer to neither, and for the first time I was annoyed with Gram and her optimistic and diverting way of talking. I realised she was manipulating the situation, even if she was being kind. 

Lucy's very sad. She's gone and locked herself in her room which she never does, and I can't help but think its a very teenagery thing to do, which is not like her at all. 

Mum has gone out to some unknown location after she dropped us back home. 

I wish I could get driving lessons, but we just about scrape by and doing something like this would be stupid. Mum's only just started paying the bills and buying a bit of food again and I can start to save up a bit of money for work, but I haven't been shopping in a long while. 

I hate to complain. Especially while Gram is alone tonight in the hospital full of sickly people, and she could be falling apart inside.  

I have to go before I break something. 

Kelsea x