When the World Turned Upside Down

Chapter XIV

AN- Sorry for the long delay, I've been a bit writer's blocky and I had to take a two month break because I had an amazing Yiddish class and internship which took all of my time. Hopefully I'll be able to get in another chapter or two before school starts and I'm in thesis mode!

Colin's first sojourn in a wheelchair came nearly six weeks after his initial journey to the hospital grounds. After this first journey from his bed he thought that perhaps his health would return swiftly, but he was wrong. His strength was very slow to return and even when they did deem him healed enough to sit up, he was still extremely weak.
It was about nine in the morning, just after breakfast, when Nurse Gold, Mary, and Dr. Hawthorne entered with the chair. It was smaller than the wheeled carriage he had had as a child, but still seemed somewhat large and cumbersome. It's high wicker back was reclined slightly, the foot rests were extended, and the whole thing was covered in pillows.
"Private Craven, we're going to try to get you sitting in your chair today." Colin gave a weak half smile, his lips pursed.
"Now don't look at me like that Private, this is your first step towards going home, soon you'll start to see that this chair will be your freedom." Colin nodded, still not looking forward to the pain of being moved. Mostly he wasn't looking forward to having to accept that the wheelchair- his wheelchair- would have to become part of him. It made it all seem more permanent somehow.
"How am I supposed to sit in that thing Doctor? I can't even sit up in bed, I've tried and I'm not strong enough. Besides my back still aches most of the time." Colin looked up at his doctor, half in trepidation and half in real pain.
"We are going to start by sitting you up in bed. These beds can be adjusted to help patients with limited trunk control sit up. Now, you are lucky, you have full use of your upper abdominals and you've regained some sensation and control in your lower abdominals and hips, below your level of injury. It's very weak now, as are your back and shoulders, but it's definitely coming back, which is frankly more than I expected in your case." Colin cut him off, there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
"If it's beginning to come back more than you expected, does that mean I may be able to walk again?" Dr. Hawthorne shook his head.
"That would be highly unlikely. Despite this improvement, your diagnosis has not changed in my opinion. What it may help with is in allowing you to eventually walk short distances with the support of crutches and braces once you rebuild your strength. The sensation in your lower abdomen may with time begin to help you relearn to control your bladder and bowels but there is no way to tell for sure." Colin's face fell, reddening slightly at Dr. Hawthorne's mention of these intimate details, but Dr. Hawthorne just kept talking.
"We will sit you up slowly in bed and let you sit for about an hour, I'll warn you this can make you quite dizzy. When you've become accustomed to sitting upright, we'll transfer you to the chair. We won't have you sit for more than a half hour at first because you are not yet strong enough to do weight shifts so there is an increased threat of bed sores. You will also have support in the chair so that you do not strain yourself too much. I won't lie to you, it will probably be painful at first because your back isn't completely healed. But you are healed enough that it is very important to start moving about and exercising as much as possible. One of your nurses will begin doing some simple stretches tonight and tomorrow you will start some light exercise in the physio room." Colin looked somewhat incredulous, but a look from Mary told him not to argue. Truly, there was part of him which was excited to get up and about, he just didn't know if he could handle the pain, or the humiliation, of having to go about in a chair. As a child, he had hated how people stared at him so, that he had all but locked himself away to avoid ever having to see anyone. He curled his lip in disgust at the memory of the women at the seaside who would pinch his cheek and call him 'poor child' as though he couldn't understand what they were saying to him.
Nurse Gold moved to the foot of his bed and began to turn a large metal crank which moved the head of Colin's bed slowly up to a forty five degree angle. As he moved, Colin felt the color drain from his face. His head was spinning and buzzing with the shock of his new position and his stomach felt as though he were in a very rocky boat. Noticing his green tinged face, Mary placed a bowl in his lap just in time for him to vomit. She and Nurse Gold caught hold of each of his arms as his weak muscles threatened to make him fall forward as he retched. When he was done, Mary cleared away the bowl and Nurse Gold began to prop up his upper body with pillows. Colin's eyes were screwed shut, tears poured down his cheeks and his lips were in a thin, hard line. As Mary cleared away the bowl, she patted him on the shoulder, then noticed the smell, and the wet stain which had spread across the bed. The pressure of vomiting had caused his bladder to empty itself involuntarily. When the wetness hit his fingers, a look of horror and disgust passed over Colin's face, Mary kissed his forehead softly.
"It's perfectly alright Colin, it's nothing to be ashamed of." Colin couldn't bring himself to look at her, he had fallen deep into the pit of self loathing and it would take him some time to get out again. He felt Nurse Gold lower the bed slightly and the movement caused another wave of nausea. He kept his eyes tight shut as Nurse Gold cleaned him and changed his sheets. He hated this aspect of his injury most. He hated that it posed a constant threat of infection, that it could easily shorten his life by years or even decades, but more he hated how out of control it made him feel, how helpless and full of self disgust, as he had to lay in his own filth before a nurse would come clean him.
Rather than giving up on the whole thing as Colin wished they would, Dr. Hawthorne insisted on trying again. Propped up on his pillows Colin was soon almost upright in bed once again. He was miserable and angry, and now to add to it he was in pain.
"Are you really going to make me do this again? I'm exhausted." He pled, looking angrily from Mary to Dr. Hawthorne and back.
"I know, but this is important Private. You have been in bed for months, you have to get your blood moving or you will develop bed sores and over time you could even have blood clots." Dr. Hawthorne warned then Mary piped up,
"Besides Colin, if you don't have to be in bed wouldn't you rather be up and about? Soon you'll be strong enough to push your chair and then you can do almost everything you did before, you'll be independent." Colin scoffed.
"I can't turn over in bed, do you really expect that everything will get back to normal so easily. How can I ever be independent, you know that will never happen." Dr. Hawthorne interjected.
"That is not entirely true Private, yes, it may look different but there is every chance you will be able to do most things yourself eventually. There is every likelihood you'll be able to dress yourself, you may be able to bathe yourself, take care of most of your personal needs. You may with time learn to get into and out of your chair, although this will depend quite a bit on your upper body strength. You may continue to need help with transfers for some time though. But you will not have to live your life as an invalid unless you let yourself waste away. That is your decision alone." Colin ignored this, but a seed of hope was kindled in him. Perhaps he wouldn't be so very, confined, as he had been once. After about fifteen minutes they decided to move him to the chair, slowly and carefully. It wasn't as bad as he thought, though after a few minutes his back was screaming in protest and the nausea had returned with avengence. Mary saw the pain in his face and knelt beside him. She rubbed his back softly,
"You're doing wonderfully Colin, but you can lie down if the pain is more than you can bare." Colin nodded,
"I can take it for another minute," a stab of pain hit him and he squeezed his eyes shut, breathing in sharply.
"Hurts like hell." He murmured, Mary nodded,
"I know, Colin, I know." She said rubbing his hand between hers, he gripped it tightly, forcing himself through the pain. After what felt like hours but was actually only a few minutes, Dr. Hawthorne indicated to the nurse to help Colin back into bed. He sighed with relief, as Mary tucked the blanket around him his back was aching, although the dizziness had subsided somewhat. Colin's eyes were screwed up in pain, and Mary's heart ached for him.
"How will I do this everyday?" he murmured, and Mary saw tears in his eyes.
"My back feels like it was broken all over again." He spoke through clenched teeth, and Mary could see each line of pain in his pale, sweaty face. Mary turned, taking a cloth from the table beside his bed and pouring a bit of water on it from the jug. Gently she washed the sweat from his face, he managed a tight lipped smile.
"I'll go organize some hot water bottles, that might help a bit, to relax your muscles." Colin nodded in thanks, they had found that heat helped relieve some of his pain and allowed even his paralyzed muscles to relax. Mary stood, straightening her skirts and turned to make up the hot water bottles.
Mary returned presently with three bottles, wrapped tightly in towels in order to make sure that they would not burn him where he could not feel. Silently, Mary helped Colin turn onto his side, propping up one of his knees with a pillow. She placed the warm bundles around Colin's body. She gave him two small tablets to help with his pain, and soon his face was relaxed, his eyes half closed. When he was comfortable, she sat beside him again and took a book from the bedside table, this time a thin copy of Just So Stories. They had both loved the stories when they were children, the exotic scenes had reminded Mary of India.
"Would you like me to read from this?" Colin nodded, he liked hearing the stories as he fell asleep, particularly when he was exhausted, or medicated. He hated how the medicine dulled his senses, but the childish stories made it a little more bearable. Soon Colin found himself drifting off to the soft sound of Mary's voice. Colin sighed with relief as he began to fall asleep. There was little relief to be had from his pain, outside the sweet relief of sleep, which mercifully soon claimed him.
When Colin awakened the next morning he was pleased to find that, though the ache in his back was still there, still worse than what had become his 'normal', it was at a level he could bare, and unlike the night before, it did not consume his whole body. He sighed, looking at the ceiling, trying to push away the sadness which often struck him in the mornings. There were always several moments as Colin woke up that he didn't register the numbness of his lower body. He would try to savour those moments, but like a dream they always slipped away, generally leaving him angry and resigned to another day fighting with his body for the life he wanted.
He had awakened late, and the nurses were already doing morning checks on the other patients, who had already been given their breakfasts. Nurse Gold made her way over to his bed, pushing her tray of supplies.
"Finally up are we? Do you mind us doing checks before you've eaten, it's best to keep on a schedule with these things." Colin knew what she meant, and grimaced at the thought of it. He hated the fact that several times a day, a nurse would 'empty him out' with surgical cleanliness and precision for the rest of his life. Every other morning they would help him with his other bodily functions as well, an even worse affair, particularly since he had begun to feel bloating and pain in his abdomen before it was time to do it. It was humiliating, and as this was one of the mornings when the unpleasant task must be done, he sat it out in sullen silence. Today though, he was surprised to notice new sensations as the procedure was done, dull, but there, and he was finally able to use his own strength to help finish the horrible procedure a little sooner than normal. Nurse Gold looked pleased, and patted his shoulder.
"You're gaining back some control, that's good, maybe we won't need to do this much longer." Colin looked pleadingly at her.
"You really think so?" She nodded.
"It's possible, we've had a few patients with incomplete injuries learn to control it using only their morning coffee!" She laughed slightly, "One fellow in particular always found it quite funny, laughed about it every morning." Colin didn't find this very funny but gave her a small smile. She saw his discomfort and changed the subject.
"Let's just finish your checks, and then I'll bring you some breakfast. You'll need your strength for your exercises today. Is there anything you'd like? I might be able to convince the kitchen to give you a few fresh scones," Colin nodded,
"I wouldn't mind a scone, and bit of tea." Nurse Gold patted his knee, seeing how apprehensive Colin seemed.
״I'll have her add a nice bit of egg and bacon, you deserve a bit of a treat" he smiled at her kindness but he was still unsure what to expect from the exercise room, he was afraid of what new pain would come to him, and was equally afraid he would fail at even the simplest tasks.
When she came back with his breakfast tray, instead of setting it on his bedside table and slowly feeding him bites of food, she pushed his tray in on a tray table which could fit over the bed.
"Here you go, now I was thinking you might like to try with the bed elevated like we did yesterday. There's nothing wrong with your arms, so I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to do this yourself." Colin immediately brightened, he didn't care about the lingering pain in his back so long as he could regain this one shred of independence.
"I'll take that grin as a yes." Said Nurse Gold, smiling brightly back at him. Colin nodded, and she slowly began turning the crank on the bedstead to lift his head and shoulders.
It was only about an hour later that two male orderlies in crisp army uniforms came to wheel Colin's bed down to the physiotherapy hall. When he was wheeled in he immediately realized he was among the worst off. There were no other patients from the spinal unit and most of the patients in the hall were learning to walk again on artificial legs or throwing balls to each other with artificial arms. All eyes turned to Colin, as he was the only patient to be brought in on a bed, but among the only patients with all four limbs intact. He recognized two of the men, Lieutenant Daniel Bloom, the man he had met during the air raid, and to his surprise and pleasure, Dickon, who was lifting a large weight with his good arm.
Dickon made his way over to Colin's bed, along with a man in an army uniform and doctor's white coat. A young nurse made her way over as well. She looked oddly familiar somehow, though Colin couldn't quite place her.
"Dickon!" Colin smiled, "what are you doing here?" Dickon chuckled slightly,
"I helped you walk last time, I figured tha might get better quicker with a friendly face around now. Your father convinced General Crawford to let me help you after I did my own exercises." Dickon said, extending his bad arm. Colin smiled, his eyes thanking Dickon in a way he couldn't vocalize. The doctor cut in then, he was a middle aged man with thick graying hair that didn't seem to want to remain tidy. He wore small round glasses and a thick moustache.
"Good morning Private. I'm General Crawford, Dr. Crawford to you, anyway, how are we this morning?" The man was overly jovial in a way which would have been quite irritating if he hadn't seemed so earnest. Colin gave a half smile,
"Not bad sir, just a touch of paralysis." The man smiled jovially
"Nothing to worry about then, I'll see you're discharged immediately." This time Colin gave a real smile, he quite liked the man. Dr. Crawford removed the sheet from Colin's legs,
"Will you remove the splints please Nurse Crawley, his x-rays show the legs are almost healed so I would like to start some passive exercises, and massage, then move on to arm exercises, hydrotherapy, and possibly electrotherapy to stimulate the paralyzed muscles." The nurse nodded, jotting down several notes on Colin's chart.
As soon as Dr. Crawford said her name Colin recognized her, though they hadn't seen each other for some five years.
"Lady Sybil Crawley! Haven't you recognised me? How long has it been? Five years?" Sybil nodded. "Of course I recognised you Master Colin. It is good to see you again, though I wish it were under better circumstances." Colin smile faded somewhat, but he tried to remain cheerful, he nodded slowly.
"Yes, may I ask how you got here? Forgive me, but I can't see your father being very amenable to you being all alone in London, and working in a hospital no less." A familiar defiant look came over Sybil's face.
"It wasn't his first choice, but I convinced him to allow it. It wasn't so hard to convince him after Dr. Crawford helped Matthew recover from his injury." Colin looked quizzically at her, and she explained.
"Mary's husband, Matthew, had an injury somewhat like yours, Dr. Crawford helped him." A glimmer of hope flickered in Colin's eyes.
"Did he recover? I mean, can he...walk?" Sybil looked somewhat unsure, looking for guidance from Dr. Crawford. The old man nodded slightly.
"He can, with assistance, but he only had bruising of his spine, the cord wasn't badly damaged." Colin nodded, but there was a hardness in his eyes, he wasn't giving up this new hope. Dr. Crawford adjusted his spectacles, interjecting as politely as possible.
"Alright, now Private, this may be painful, let me or the nurse know if anything is too much." Colin nodded, looking at Dickon who sat beside his bed, he squeezed his friend's hand.
"You can go back to your exercises, I'll be alright." Dickon nodded, returning to his station, but keeping an eye on Colin rather than on the conversation of the men working their injured limbs around him.
Sybil lifted the sheet from Colin's legs, then worked his trousers off, he gave her a grateful smile as she hid the catheter beneath the sheet and tucked the white fabric around his drawers for modesty. He didn't need everyone in the hospital know how badly he was affected, the whole room getting a glimpse of his atrophied legs was bad enough.
"Alright Private, where is the lowest point you can feel? Even a little, don't discount sensations that feel different than before your injury, some may be phantom pains, but even these can sometimes be useful indicators of what is going on with the body below the level of injury." Colin thought for a moment, closing his eyes to try and pinpoint each feeling.
"It's all right Private, take your time." Colin's fingers palpated his own stomach, pressing down and hoping for sensation. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
"About here," he indicated his lower abdomen just below his hip bone,
"But it's patchy, I can't feel my hip, but I can feel here, right next to it, at least a little. Its higher on my back, I can't feel my lower back at all." Dr. Crawford nodded,
"Alright, I'm going to start with massage, honestly, it's unlikely you'll feel much of it, but do tell me if there is any pain. The muscles stiffen and spasm quite easily in cases like yours, particularly since your leg has been splinted, I try to avoid splinting in cases of paralysis as it speeds up the process of atrophy and cause the limbs to stiffen, but in your case I'm afraid it couldn't be avoided. We'll start slowly, just massage and gentle stretches today. The main thing we'll want to accomplish before you're discharged is having you sit up at least somewhat independently and be able to lift and move your own body weight." A look of disgust passed over Colin's face, to have to learn these simple things all over again was chipping away daily at his own sense of himself, his manhood, his place in the world. Dr. Crawford had begun to rub and stretch Colin's legs, but looked up at him sideways,
"Any pain Private?" Colin sighed.
"None of the kind you can fix sir. Like you said, can't exactly feel what you're doing." Dr. Crawford only nodded, he had seen many boys like Colin before, and Colin would not be the last spinal case he treated during this long war. Besides the spinal cases, he had seen every type of injury imaginable, some unimaginable. They were happy and young and gallant, and so so broken.
"I'm going to fit a sling around your leg now, it will help me stretch the leg without compromising the healing process. You sustained a nasty break Private, frankly I'm surprised you've still got this leg." Colin nodded, in spite of his paralysis, he was grateful to have both limbs at least visually intact.
The stretching was an odd experience, it was somewhat painful, as he could feel the stretches pulling on the muscles of his upper body, but when it was over, Colin's body felt oddly relaxed. His body had been still so long that even these simple exercises felt enormously freeing.
After the therapy, Sybil brought warm towels and helped Colin turn onto his stomach, she placed the cloths on his back and shoulders. Colin gave a contented sigh, the warm heat made his sore muscles finally relax a little, as he lay there, some of tension he had been carrying since he first left for the front finally began to abate.
"Soon you'll be lifting weights with the other men and then you'll really be glad for this." Colin smiled, not quite believing her.
"Thank you Sybil, I haven't felt this contented since, well, I don't know when." He sighed slowly again, "I hardly even feel the pain anymore." Sybil smiled softly, shifting his pillows to make him more comfortable.
"Good, Private, I'm glad I could help." Colin turned towards her as much as he could, looking quite serious.
"No, really, you and Mary both, I never would have imagined either of you as nurses, it didn't even cross my mind. And you have done so much for me without even asking for a thank you. I think today I may catch a few hours sleep without pain. I can't tell you what that means." He knew he was babbling but he didn't care, Sybil didn't seem to mind, she smiled and stroked his hand.
"I am glad to be able to do something useful Colin, as I'm sure Mary is, now, let's get you that good rest then, I'll have an orderly take you back to the ward." The orderly soon arrived and after commenting that Colin looked 'plum tuckered out' he wheeled him back to the spinal unit.
It was his father, not Mary who greeted him upon his arrival in the ward. As his bed was wheeled into position, his father set his book down and helped position his son's bed against the wall.
"How was it? Are you in much pain?." Colin pushed himself up slightly to settle more comfortably on his pillows, instinctively, Archibald put his hand behind Colin's back to help. Colin smiled, laughing slightly as his father helped him lie comfortably.
"Not too bad, really, they didn't do much because my leg is still bad. Just moved me around a little. It hurt at first but the stretches almost felt good after a time. Made me rather tired though." Archibald stood,
"I'll leave you to sleep then." he slowly turned to go, but Colin grabbed his hand.
"Would you stay please, Father?" With his hand still in his son's, Archie slowly sat down again. They sat quietly for several minutes, as Colin tried to sleep. Colin sighed, rubbing his face with both hands.
"Damn, I thought I would be tired enough I could sleep, like when I was small and you would read to me. I would pretend to be asleep and I would hope that I would fall asleep while you were still there, but I never did. Sometimes I couldn't sleep for the entire night. Then the next morning I would be so tired Mrs. Medlock would send for the doctor." Softly reaching out, Archie rubbed his son's cheek, smiling at the soft stubble there, his hand found the thick shock of black hair that fell across his forehead, so like when he was young.
"I remember. I think I hoped you would wake, but I was so afraid I could never admit it to myself. Perhaps if I had..." Colin nodded,
"You were afraid, we both were." Archie turned his head away slightly, still embarrassed by the way he had treated his son throughout his young years. It took him a moment to compose himself, so Colin decided to change the subject.
"I think I could eat something, besides if I go to sleep before supper the nurses will be waking me up all night trying to get me to eat." Archibald nodded, a smile finally gracing his lips, he clasped Colin's hand as he stood.
"I'll only be a moment, would you like to sit up a little." Colin nodded and his father raised the head of his bed slightly. As his father left to ask the nurses to bring up a tray, Colin nestled deeper into his pillows. His back was aching again and he was indeed becoming rather tired. He forced himself to remain awake through his meal of roast potatoes and chicken in something which nearly resembled a bread sauce. He hadn't expected his father to stay. Since his fever broke Archibald had spent most nights at the flat, but that night he fell asleep with his father's hand in his and his father was there to help the nurses turn him during the night and the next morning he awoke with a smile, seeing his father. He reached out his hand towards his father, squeezing his hand. The old man slowly opened his eyes, smiling slightly at Colin.
"I love you, Father, we'll get through this. I might not always say it, but you hold me to what I'm saying now. We'll get through this together." The man leaned forward kissing his son's forehead gently.
"You are your mother's boy, you truly are." Colin smiled up at his father, comfortable and still somewhat bleary eyed with sleep. His grey eyes were indeed, the mirror image of his mother's.
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