When the World Turned Upside Down

Chapter VIII

The Awakening
Colin woke to sun streaming through a nearby window. For the first time in what felt like years, his head was clear. There were a few seconds of confusion, then of joy that the one thing he knew for sure was that he was no longer at the front. He was in a warm bed, with clean white sheets, and the room smelled clinical, without the stench of death. He felt clean and warm, a smile captured his lips, but only for  a moment. Then came the pain, like a brick. His head throbbed and his back felt like it was being wrenched in two. He groaned loudly, startling his father, who had spent the night in a chair next to his bed, awake. A second wave of pain hit, worse even than the first. Tears stung his eyes and he gasped in pain. In an instant his father was by his side, holding his hand.
"It's alright Colin, you're safe, I promise, you're safe. You're in hospital, but you're home, everything will be alright." Colin squeezed his father's hand trying to catch his breath and say something coherent.
"My back." He managed to choke out. Archie sighed and sat back down in his chair. Stroking Colin's forehead.
"I know, Colin, you were hurt very badly I'm afraid." Colin's grip on his father's hand relaxed a little as he forced himself to think through the fog of pain. He was home, he was injured but he was home. He began to take stock of his body, mentally checking off limbs. Both arms seemed intact, he could see and hear. His breath came normally. He tried to find his legs but could not. How strange, he thought. He was still not fully awake, perhaps his legs were asleep from being in bed for so long. Colin blinked, suppressing a whimper of pain, and stroked his father's hand. His father was here, he was home, that was all that mattered.
Nurse Anderson had heard Colin's cry and came running with his medicine. When she saw him awake she sighed with relief, he was pale, and his face was contorted with pain but his eyes were clear and his cheeks were no longer bright red with fever.
"It's good to see you awake Private Craven." She said, smiling. Colin gave a pained smile in return.
"Don't worry, I have something for the pain, but I don't want to give you too much, because we want to keep you awake for a bit." She lifted Colin slightly, giving him a drink of water, then she took two small white pills and gave them to Colin. When he had swallowed she placed a thermometer into his mouth and studied her pocket watch while taking his pulse, waiting to read his temperature.  He began to relax quite quickly and smiled at his father.
Nurse Anderson looked pleased as she removed the thermometer, "it's over, his fever's broken." Then she spoke softly to Archie, "the doctor needs to examine him as soon as possible. He needs to know at least a little of what is going on so the news isn't too much of a shock. You should be the one to tell him, sir, I'll give you some time alone before I send for Dr. Hawthorne."
Archie and Colin sat in silence for a few moments after Nurse Anderson had left, Archie didn't know how he could bring himself to tell his son how bad his injuries were. But it was Colin who spoke first. He spoke softly, his voice trembling with fear.
"Father, there's something wrong with my legs isn't there? I can't feel them!" Then suddenly images and memories came flashing back. Colin remembered the mangled bodies of men in the field hospital, the limbs blown off by mortar shells. Sometimes back at the front they would find these limbs. Arms and legs stuck in the mud or embedded in trench walls. Sometimes the rotting limbs ended up stuffed into sandbags, making the stench of death almost unbearable along the entire trench line. 'Oh God' he thought. Were his own limbs stuck rotting in the mud somewhere near Ypres? Suddenly nauseous, Colin clutched at the blankets, trying to stop himself from being sick. It was too late though, he was already gagging, but his father grabbed the bowl at his bedside in time and held Colin up as he retched. When he was done, Archie lay him down again and gave him a drink of water, wiping his lips tenderly. Tears lept to Colin's eyes, he had never seen his father so tender, there could only be one meaning to this tenderness. There a look of desperation in Colin's eyes as he clutched at his father's hand.
"They cut them off didn't they?" Colin's voice shook, he was near tears. Archie shook his head but Colin knew his father wasn't really telling he was wrong. There was something desperately wrong with him, something vital broken, he just didn't yet know what it was.
"Your legs were hurt very badly, but they didn't have to amputate. But, there was a problem with  your back you see... it was hit and was, damage, inside, your spine was broken." The look in Colin's eyes told his father that he knew exactly what this meant but Colin still had to ask. He had to know for sure, even if everything his mind and body were telling him said it was true.
"I can't use them anymore can I? That's why my back hurts so badly but my legs don't hurt at all. They're paralyzed, aren't they?! I'm a cripple!" Archie couldn't say anything, he just nodded silently. Colin was too weak to panic, he just lay still as tears ran down his cheeks and he turned his head away. After a few moments Colin turned back to his father.
"Father, please, just tell me, this is permanent isn't it? I'm right, I know I'm right, there's nothing they can do for this." His father's hands twisted. He couldn't do this to his son, he just couldn't. He lay his hand over Colin's.
"They haven't even examined you yet, nothing is certain. And you've only just awakened, nothing will have settled down yet. You can worry about permanence once we know more, now you just rest, your doctor will be here shortly."
Dr. Hawthorne came in several minutes later. The neurological assessment was a grim affair. First the doctor removed the blanket from Colin's lower half and removed the heavy wooden splints which held the bones of his legs in place. Although Colin clearly didn't feel anything as Dr. Hawthorne removed the splints and bandages he still had to complete his assessment to map the full extent of Colin's injuries. Colin remained silent, his expression growing darker each time Dr. Hawthorne probed his legs, asking what he felt, and he felt nothing. Dr. Hawthorne used a small rubber mallet to attempt to make Colin's legs jerk, but the reflexes were completely absent, his legs lay limp and lifeless. Then he and Nurse Anderson turned Colin onto his side, lifting his shirt to examine the injury to his back. The muscles of Colin's back were taught with pain which accentuated the deep scratches and large purple bruises which marred his pale flesh. There was an enormous angry bruise across the small of his back, Archie winced as the doctor pressed his fingers hard into the lower part of the painful looking bruise. But Colin didn't flinch. The doctor tutted and shook his head. He prodded slightly higher, examining the area closely as though feeling for damage beneath the skin. He moved his hands higher, near Colin's waist, touching more softly, and Colin winced in pain, biting his lip, he nodded, affirming that he could indeed feel the doctors hands. Colin breathed heavily as the doctor examined his upper back and changed his dressings. He seemed exhausted by the time they turned him back onto his back, re-dressed his leg wounds and covered him with a sheet.
Colin sighed, settling back into his pillows. His face was dark, and held an expression which Archie hadn't seen since before the garden.
He spoke sharply "Well, you might as well tell me." Dr. Hawthorne rubbed his temples. "It isn't good I'm afraid. You have minimal sensation and no muscular reflexes below the waist, and unfortunately, in my opinion, that isn't going to change, at least not drastically. The best hope I can give you is that over the next year or so your spinal nerves will recover from the shock of the injury and as the swelling goes down you may regain partial sensation. Unfortunately, with the extent of your other injuries, I don't think walking will be a possibility, even if you regained full sensation. Which, is almost unheard of in an injury as severe as yours. I'm very sorry." Colin barely reacted. His face hardened even further. "Luckily, there is no break in your spine, but rather a dislocation and crushing of the bones, which means you will not need surgery, and will probably begin to recover your health fairly quickly. You will probably have some difficulties with personal care which we will attempt to remedy, you still have the use of your arms so you will regain independence if you work at it. It is very important to make sure that you do not develop pressure sores. In these areas you should do fairly well if you are diligent with your care, especially since you do seem to have some sensation in your abdomen. We will work with you to help you gain as much independence you can."
Colin's face was impassive. The young rajah looked hard at Dr. Hawthorne and said darkly.
"But not walking, never walking. By 'independence' you mean I could maybe push my own wheelchair or care for myself without complete dependence on a nurse. That's not living, that's barely surviving, I should know." Colin was shaking violently, his eyes looking daggers at the doctor. Archie crouched next to his son, holding his hand. Colin looked helplessly at his father.
"You must try and stay calm Colin, you know that's not true, you will have a life, a good life, I know you will. I promise." Colin was still shaking and there were tears in his eyes as he whispered.
"Father, please don't make promises you've no idea how to keep." Archie hugged his son close, for the first time he was the strong one.
"I do know Colin, I'm not going to let you disappear again. This time you're going to live, and whatever that life looks like, I'm going to make sure you're happy. And that you're cared for. Do you really think for a second that Mary would let me do any less?" Colin gave a watery smile.  Thinking of the fiery child who had pushed him out of his illness.
"I know. I just... Why did it have to be this? Of everything that could have happened over there, why did it have to be this?" Archibald shook his head, he had no answer for his son. They sat in silence for many minutes, and when Archibald looked back at his son, the young man had fallen into a restless sleep.

Sunday morning it was Rutka who brought Mary her breakfast. Mary was sitting in her dressing gown brushing her hair when Rutka came in. She turned and smiled at the girl. There was something about her which intrigued Mary. She wanted this girl as a friend, not merely as a maid.
"Good morning, it's Rutka isn't it?" Mary said cheerfully.
"Yes miss Mary, and I feel I should apologize, I shouldn't have left with you still so upset." Mary stood and took the tray from the bewildered girls hands.
"Think nothing of it, you seemed quite urgent, I understand." Rutka smiled slightly, unsure how much Mary had understood of her reasons for leaving.
"You seem much more cheerful this morning Miss. Is your cousin feeling any better?" A cloud crossed Mary's face.
"Well, he was beginning to come around last night, so that's a blessing. Supposedly. He hasn't been truly awake yet, and with his fever, even when he's awake, he's not really there, he's just...drifting. And when he does wake, I fear he will only wake to pain." Rutka took the brush from Mary and began to style Mary's hair into a smart twist at the nape of her neck.
"He is still very sick?" Rutka asked, true concern in her face. Mary nodded, her brow furrowed.
"Yes, he is. But it's more than that. When he wakes, really wakes, we will have to tell him about his legs. He will be so angry, and unbearably sad. And he's still so weak I'm afraid he will just waste away. I hardly know what I can say to him." Rutka placed a comforting hand on Mary's shoulder.
"For now, you just be there for him. Everything else will come in time, but now, all he needs is love and care. He needs to know that someone is there for him, that his world is not completely upside down."
Mary closed her eyes and sighed. "I suppose,"
Just then the telephone in the flat's front room rang, startling both Mary and Rutka, neither of whom were used to the sound. Mary's face went white and she dashed to the front room. She lifted the earpiece and spoke shakily, sure it was her uncle.
"Is he alright Uncle Archie?" Archibald's voice sounded tight.
"He's awake, the doctor just finished examining him."
She breathed heavily trying to calm herself.
"What did he say?" Archibald was silent for a moment then he spoke, his voice breaking.
"Its permanent, there's nothing they can do. We just have to wait and see how much he will recover. They will probably keep him here for a few months then send him home to convalesce."
Mary's breath caught in her throat, she pushed the emotion down and said softly
"I'm on my way, Uncle Archie."
She put the phone down, her hands shaking. Rutka stood and took her hands, squeezing them and giving a small smile. Silently, without even being asked, Rutka retrieved Mary's hat and duster. She gave Mary's hand one last squeeze as she left, looking into her eyes and imparting some of her great strength through her soft touch.
"You will be strong for them. I know you will, now go to them."