A Series Of Letters {Adopted by Palaye Royale}

Chapter Fourteen

"Sh, sh; it's alright, Remmi. We're here." I feel a bone crack in my hand, but don't say anything. He's terrified. It's not even that late, the sun has just set, but Remington is squeezing my hand as if he's trying to break it. I don't even care. A shake passes through his body like a wave, and I squeeze his hand to try and ground him. Remington fakes a shaky smile at me. 

People are closing in on him, I know. I can see our destination just down the road, but for Remington it might as well be through the pits of hell. He clenches his jaw, then releases due to the pain it closes. Hamburger Mary's is just at the corner.

"We're almost there," I reassure him. Remington's tense as can be. "Just keep breathin'"

Remington hasn't been out since the incident. And now, I can see why. He's so nervous. Every time a person gets to close or walks in front of us he flinches or jumps away. The glue currently holding his jaw skin together is covered by a thin layer of gauze. The rest of his body is still covered in miscellaneous bandages and wraps. I feel awful. I wish this would have never happened to him. He didn't deserve that. My poor Remmi. 

We finally make it to Hamburger Mary's. I pull Remington in as soon as I can, and see him visibly relax in the environment. Brightly lit up in blue, Hamburger Mary's brings a sense of familiarity. Music floods the environment, currently playing Supermodel by Rupaul. We're seated shortly, a table back from the stage. I smile. Drag is one of my favorite things in the whole world, and with my favorite local queen taking the stage in just a few minutes, I'm ready.

Remington is finally smiling, looking around and taking in the environment. He whispers a few things to Sebastian, who just smiles and nods. He looks so happy, and I love it. He deserves to be happy, all the boys do, with everything they do for me.

Emerson will be home in just over a week; nine days. I can't wait. My insides are practically buzzing. I miss him so much. It's weird. I used to talk to him, be around him every day, and now I'm not. I know it's for his own good, but I miss him so much. I've sent a few letters, even though he can't send anything back. I hope he's feeling better, I don't like him being sad. I love him. 

A waiter comes over, placing napkins in front of the three of us. I sigh. One's missing. I push the thought of the absentee to the back of my mind. Remington's hand lands just above my knee, and I smile over at him. I give my drink order, a simple ice water, before pulling out my phone. It's nine o'clock, the show starts in thirty minutes. Sebastian and Remington are engaged in a conversation, but I'm more than happy sitting in contentment. I text Caden and play a few games. I carefully avoid social media. There are many fans who are outpouring with love and support, but there are a handful who hate me to no end. And their voices are louder than the ones of positivity.

I order my usual and the boys whatever they want when the waiter comes back. Fifteen minutes till showtime. A cramping pain rips through my stomach, and I nudge Sebastian, who's seated to the left of me. "Can I have some pain meds?" I mutter. He nods, putting a hand on my shoulder and digging the white bottle out of his discarded coat jacket. He gives me three pills and I take them with my water. 

I rest my head against Remington's shoulder, shutting my eyes. I try to breathe, remembering I'm completely safe where I am. I'm happy; or I should be. Remmi snakes his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. "You okay?" He whispers as he kisses my cheek. I sigh, and nod. He goes to speak, when the lights dim and a smile rips across my face. I see Remington staring at me out of the corner of my eye, his features mirroring mine. 

The first queen struts on stage, all done up with the hair and the makeup and the beauty. A corset is around their chest, over the blue sparkly jumpsuit. They lip sync along to "Supermodel" by Rupaul, dancing all over the stage. Lights dance around the room, and I feel everything drift away. In this moment, I feel nothing but utter happiness. 

By the time the night is over, I have a permanent smile and a full stomach. Sebastian is carrying me, on account of the fact that I'm exhausted. Normally, it'd probably be Remington, but he's still recovering so I just reached for Seb. The person at the bar called us an Uber, since it's even later and Remington had an anxiety attack. I'd rather be safe than sorry at this point. It's Remmi, and I love him. I want him to feel safe and okay. 

I nuzzle against Seb, as if I'm afraid to lose him. Because truly, I am. To be honest, I'm terrified that one day I just...won't have them. I'm worried that my life will go back to what it was; and I really fucking don't want that. I've gotten so used to being normal, being happy. I'd never known this feeling until I was with them. Every day, every night was hell on Earth. I feel myself gasp, and then Sebastian's pulling my hand away from my arm. 

"I did it again," I sigh in frustration. Every single time, without me even realizing, my fingers find the layers-deep cigar burn in the center of my wrist. It's a few years old, but I still hate it, nonetheless. I hate all my scars, they make me ugly. And....they're everywhere. Every inch of my body has at least one scar on it. Either they're burns or cuts, or other forms of abuse. I have a few on my knees from just kid things; falling off a bike, tripping over a rock, running and face-planting into the ground. That was before everything went bad. When I turned seven, it all started going bad. I dunno what happened, but something changed inside Mom as soon as I started going my own way. Once I began voicing my own opinions and going a different path than the one she wanted me to go on, she could do nothing but hit and hit and burn and burn and just...torture me. I'm so grateful for the boys. Finally, after eight years, they saved me.

"Sh, sh, breathe." Seb tightens his hold on me. I didn't even notice, but a tremble is racking my body. My breathing is uneven, and I'm clinging to Sebastian with a strength I didn't even know I had. Tears fill my eyes, but I squeeze them shut. Don't break. Don't cry.

"Hey, relax." I hear Remington's voice and feel his hand come down on my trembling shoulder. "It's okay. Remember? You're safe; it's just us." When he says that, Sebastian squeezes my torso. I sniffle, a few lone tears falling. "Breathe, bub. It's alright...In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Nice and easy, love. The harder you try the easier it'll be to breathe. Just focus on us; just us. It's getting easier, sweetie, good job." 

He's right. It is getting easier. Feeling is coming back to my face and hands. My brain and my lungs are working in harmony once again. My breathing is coming back to normal, albeit slowly. "There you go," Sebastian praises after a few more minutes. "Good job...."

The Uber finally pulls up to the curb. Seb sets me on the ground, and Remington takes my hand. Together, with the starry sky above us, the three of us walk down the driveway.