God & Sinner

3. A Place for Lovers too

The bells sounded, effectively ending the service. That was the one thing I liked about this church; that it still had that nostalgic touch. Though, that was about the only thing I liked about it. It was hard to keep going there, to hear the things they said and to begin my journey towards change. Change was never easy, I knew that, but what I didn't know was that it would be this damn hard. I still felt a little fire of rebellion when the preacher spoke of my sin, and I still dreamed of things that would only lead me straight back to hell—dreams of forbidden love and insensate lust. Yet I didn't let any of that stop me as I continued in my new life because I didn't want to be burned to ash.

It had gotten a little easier, if that was possible. With all that was in me I did my best to heed Benjamin's warning, to play the part I'd been given and not let them suspect. I was a husband to Luke Dalton's wife, a father to his son and daughter, and I did my best to fill the shoes that he'd left behind. I'd even worked overtime, changing his life as I'd changed mine, and though he'd never been a church man before, he was now. I was. All these things were not of him—not any longer—now they were of me. I was the husband and the father, and even though it still made me sick if I stood still long enough to really think about it, I made sure to keep busy so that I wouldn't have the chance.

Benjamin still watched me, but we tried our best to avoid one another. Well, I tried to avoid him. He was as passive as he'd always been, and I was certain that had I not approached him that day in the graveyard then he simply would have neglected to make contact. Yet I saw him sometimes, on the other side of the street, sitting in the back pew, but I was afraid to engage him again. So I kept to myself, and I knew that as long as I followed the rules then he would leave me be. And I'd done well, I thought, beginning church and pretending to be the man I'd been returned as.

My bus came to a halt in front of my stop, and I followed the rest of the passengers onto it. Despite having a garage filled with various vehicles, I refused to drive any of them. Honestly, I'd done enough damage when it came to driving, and I was in no hurry to get back behind the wheel. Besides, it was really the same old thing that got to me. Maybe I had to play his role within his family, but there were still some things I could refuse to assimilate too, some things over which I still had a say. It didn't raise any red flags, Kayla just thought I was traumatized from the accident, and I let her hold onto that belief because it allowed me a little distance from fully assuming Luke Dalton's identity.

I found my seat quickly and slipped into it, trying hard to ignore the eyes that I could feel watching me. As if he'd read my mind, I'd spotted Benjamin at the back of the bus peering at me with his sullen umber stare before I sat. From where I was, face forward and away from him, I could feel that he still observed me. For the longest time I was able to ignore it, but there was something about the hairs on my neck that it raised which made it impossible after a while, and I turned my head slightly to glimpse him from my peripheral. My deduction was confirmed when our eyes met, and after an unblinking second he looked beside him, to the women he was seated next to.

In response I too looked—though I'd learned from experience that she, like all the others, was unable to see my guide. She also watched me, and I tried to understand the strange expression that went across her face. She looked excited, but sad. Anxious and angry. It made me uncomfortable and I didn't like it, so I turned around and faced forward again, making the rest of the trip in silence. When the bus stopped and it was time for me to get off, I was aware that she got up too, rushing as if she might catch me. Fortunately there were other passengers who blocked her, and I didn't bother glancing back or trying to figure it out as I hurried home.