God & Sinner

5. Surrender

We laughed. Some of us even cried—not me, but some. Actually, it seemed like all parents had a good time at the play our kids had put on. In addition to her many interests, I'd learned that Cassie was also in the drama club. That, of course, meant I was obligated to attend any and all performances she was in, such as this one, and when it was over I was actually really glad that I had. We all gave another rapturous round of applause as the curtain reopened, revealing all the students joined hand in hand on the stage while they took a bow. Maybe Cassie hadn't been my daughter before, but she was now, and I'd been doing my best to act like it.

It'd been a few weeks since my last breakdown, and I'd worked hard to recover from it. Now I was doing alright, or so I liked to think, and I'd thrown myself headfirst into the second life that I'd been given. I was nicer to the kids, more open to my wife, and as a result they seemed to open in return to me. Somehow that seemed to simplify things, as if I had gained another leg to stand on, and even if they didn't know the truth of my situation I had started to feel not so alone. That was not to be underestimated; it was a very powerful tool for me.

They had been part of the strength I was reaching out for. Not all of it, but some. No, I'd also begun to find my peace in God. I would be lying if I said that everything was fine—that I'd found the path to rectifying the who I was with the who I'd become, but I was well on my way. Not having that kind of resolution meant that it was still a little hard at times to not be resentful towards him, but with piety and weariness I was able to catch those thoughts and chain them away before they took form. After that, well, there was only room for the kind of tender love I had been desiring.

I discovered that it wasn't enough for me to just go to church as I had been, and not just because of that little angst fueled fire that sparked to life every time they talked about my sin either. Going to church was only a small fraction of the equation, and I came to the realization that it was mostly just ceremony—going through the motions. A million people could attend church all their lives, and still they would never experience the glory of God. That was what I had been doing before—only what I had believed to be appropriate of my new found faith.

Now I knew better.

Now I understood that God wanted more from me, he wanted more than just simply believing in him. He wanted my love, wanted me to want his, and I'd taken steps towards better getting to know him. Outside of church I began to read, and even though I had a lot of trouble understanding it, it was helping me to become better acquainted with who he was. Prayer was important too. Stubborn, that was what Benjamin had called me. Well I didn't want to be thought of as stubborn, I wanted them to think of me as grateful, willing, ready and able to change my ways in accordance with the rules.

Once I had begun to take my faith seriously, that was when I had started to find the strength I needed. Perhaps it was always there, who could say—or perhaps it'd just been found—but all I cared about was that I now had it. The faithful hear with open hearts, that was the other thing my guide had said to me, and I thought that I might understand that now. For the first time in so long it didn't seem to matter what thoughts tried to enter my mind, because I knew that as long as I kept my eyes pointed forward, on the light, then I would be just fine.

Strangely enough, that even seemed to work with James. I entertained the thought of him now, if only to think about how I hadn't needed to think about him. I'd left him behind in the cemetery that day, quite literally, and as I worked to bolster my faith and acclimate to this change, I considered how I might actually be moving on. Maybe this had been my way of making peace with the things I'd lost, because now there were stretches of days that could go by without so much as a fleeting memory of my past. Of him. So I couldn't undo ten years of love in a month or two, okay, I would accept that, there was power in the fact that I was taking the necessary baby steps.