God & Sinner

17. Accountable

The weeks weren't as painful as I had thought they'd be. I'd been so sure that I couldn't be alone, but when it came right down to it I found that I survived just fine. It wasn't living, I'd cop to that, but my heart was still beating and the sun still rose in the sky, so things were alright. It killed me, but I'd listened this time when James told me not to come back, and even though I found myself wondering if he thought about me, I resisted the urge to return there just to see his face. It was a beautiful face, and there were still nights that I dreamed about it, that I replayed the faded old memories again and again in my mind.

Those were most nights.

It still terrified me to think that he would move on and let me go, but now I just tried to tell myself to be okay with that, to accept it as an inevitable end to the romantic and tumultuous story I'd shared with him. If I'd learned anything from the time I'd spent in this new life, it was that things did not have a tendency to accommodate me. No, they spun out of control and broke apart in spiraling fits of fire, and I knew that if I didn't learn to deal with it then I would be swept away as ash in its wake. I didn't want that, even if it meant I would be alone when the fire finally died down.

Honestly it was kind of funny to think about how desperately I clung to this life when there was nothing left for me, but I supposed it was a testament to the adaptability of people. That didn't change how much I wished I could make things work with James—how desperately I wanted him to see that we could still have something worth saving. If it was within my power then I wouldn't have left him alone this long, I would've blown down his door like a strong-willed wind and demanded that he be with me. But, again, part of these last few weeks had been about learning to be less selfish. No, now I was trying to prepare myself for what might come.

Did I still hold out hope for a happy ending? Sure, I couldn't lie and say that the thought never crossed my mind, but I was still honest about it. I knew what would probably happen, and I needed to be ready. Continuing my vow of honesty, I also realized that working things out with him was far less likely than working things out with Kayla—at least when I was in this body. I hadn't forgotten about my new family, and these last few weeks had been eerily similar in dealing with her.

There was no denying that we'd come to a far more amicable place than we'd been at before, but it didn't instill me with a great deal of hope. It only took a couple days after I'd spoken with her before she started letting me spend some time with the kids again, and having them was a nice distraction. It occupied an additional place in my mind, turning me into someone different—their dad—that let me forget for a minute how everything was coming down around me. They weren't just a tool though, I genuinely did enjoy spending time with them. Now that it was the weekend I had taken them out to enjoy a little fresh air, and I was pushing Kyle in the swing while Cassie sat on the bench nearby with her eyes glued to her phone.

Things had been tense with her too, even after I'd made an attempt to reconcile. It seemed like she forgave me—or, at the very least, she wanted to forgive me—but on most days I was still beheld with a silent judgment that acted like a barrier between us. Today proved to be no different, and I watched her quietly as I continued pushing her brother. It took a second, but she eventually registered the feeling that she was being watched as she glanced at me quickly, not even caring enough to wonder why as she went right back to focusing on her screen.

"How are things with your mom?" I asked, an attempt to cut through the thick divide. Okay, so maybe I had an ulterior motive. Yes, it was a good way to bridge the gap, but—just like with James—I was dying to know exactly what was going through Kayla's mind. I'd begged her to give me a chance, and she'd told me she would think about it. Yet that had been before, and the weeks had turned into a month without hearing anything from her. It was definitely progress that she'd let me start spending time with the kids, but that didn't exactly give me the platform I'd been hoping for.