God & Sinner

15. The Truth Will Set You Free

Benjamin watched me carefully, ready for whatever reaction I might have. But that was the problem. I looked over at him as I tried to understand what he'd said—that being gay wasn't a sin. It didn't make any sense, not after everything I'd been through, and I felt like some part of it was just too complicated for me to comprehend. It made me feel a marriage of things, but hope was not one of them as I stared back at the road and shook my head, a physical sign that I was incapable of understanding his revelation.

"What do you mean?" I didn't appreciate how my voice sounded so desperate, like I was vulnerable, at his mercy. "Of course it's a sin, I almost went to hell!"

"Pull over and I'll explain it to you," he offered, making me feel even more pathetic with his patronizing tone.

"Fuck you! You're no different—you've told me since the beginning that I couldn't go back to being gay. You told me it was wrong!" My confusion only added to the anger that was already there, and the tires squealed as I swerved.

"No, I never said that."

"Yes you did!"

"Stop being so stubborn, Luke, I'm handing you a priceless gift. I'm giving you peace." Benjamin relaxed, sitting back in his seat as he mirrored my intensity.

"Peace?" I laughed, "what peace? You're lying to me, trying to mess with my head so I won't crash this car! Why? If I kill myself does that mean you fail your test? I guess that's fair, we'll go down together."

"You're being unreasonable, there are still so many lessons you have yet to learn. Think, really think, and you'll see that you've never once been told that being gay was your sin. Not by our father, and not by me. That was all on you, the assumption you made when you were faced with your actual sins—the whole lot of them. It's been incredibly frustrating watching you waste all this time trying to fix something that wasn't even broken, and I'm sorry it's led you here. But I want to make it right now."

"Make it right? I don't believe you! How can I trust anything that comes out of your mouth after this? You say you never told me it was a sin, then why didn't you tell me before now? Why wait this long? You're lying!"

"I'm an angel, I don't lie." His retort was simple, confident, a matter of fact. "You already know I have my own test, and I have rules, same as you. Diamonds only sparkle when the coal has been pressed, and what would you have learned if you were not tested? There is nothing worth having that is easy to come by, and you can't just go through life expecting answers to be handed to you."

"So, what? All of a sudden it's okay to tell me this?" My head still swam as it tried to reason out his words, and I could feel the dim light within me wishing to swell. It wanted to believe in what he said, to have hope, but I'd worked too hard to destroy my own identity to just back out now.

"Of course not. You're still being tested, and yes, you'll fail if you kill yourself. Even so, I'm not supposed to tell you. These choices are yours to make, I shouldn't influence you in any way, I shouldn't take you by the hand and point you in the right direction. Yet here I am, going against what I've been told to help you, so the least you can do is stop and listen."

"You're breaking the rules? You, the angel who can't tell a lie?"

"There are exceptions to every rule, and I'm sure that if I could ask him now, our father would understand why I'm telling you the truth. I know that it's been hard on you, that you've sacrificed so much, but don't give in. You've come so far in so many ways, and I'm sure you can admit that you've changed for the better these past months. I thought very little of you when I was first tasked with being your guide, but as I've watched you grow I've come to know what our father did all along—that you're still worth saving. So please, don't do this."