Faded

Waking Up

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. 

I open my eyes and am blinded by bright whiteness everywhere. Once my eyes adjust, I can see I'm in a hospital room. There's a monitor to my right and empty chairs by the window. The doctors must have pumped my stomach because it hurts pretty bad. I push back the blanket and see that they've also put bandages around my thighs where my cuts are. Great, Mom's gonna kill me for that. I pull the blanket back over my legs and stare at the wall. 

I almost did it. I almost gotten away with it. I don't which is worse, being dead or being alive. At least if I were dead, I wouldn't have to answer all the questions that are to come. This sucks. 

"Oh good, you're awake!" 

The voice startles me, making me jump. A short, thick old lady stands in the doorway in nurse scrubs. She has a soft smile that I know just for show. She clearly knows what I've tried to do, she's just trying to be polite. 

She sets down on the edge of the bed and pats my knee. "My name is Beth and I'm you're nurse. How are you feeling sweetie?"

"You know you don't have to be nice to me right? I did something stupid. I don't blame you for thinking I'm pathetic."

"Oh honey, I've seen many many people come through here in the same situation you're in Willow. The act is what's stupid, not you. And you my darling are not pathetic, not even close. Now, how are you feeling?" She stands up and starts checking my vitals and fluid bag. I'm confused. Why is she being nice? Wouldn't most nurses avoid the topic? 

"My stomach is sore and I really don't need these bandages on my legs." she responds with a nod ad puts a blood pressure cuff on my arm. "How long will I be here?" 

She pumps up the cuff and waits til it's given my blood pressure before answering. "Well honey, we're going to keep you for a few days, then it's up to your mom." 

"Am I in trouble?" 

Beth sets back down on my bed and takes my hand in hers. She looks less like a nurse at this moment and more like a really concerned grandma. Her hand shakes while she speaks to me. "No no honey, she's really concerned about you. I spoke to her and told her that it's tough for young people like you to go through facilities to help with these sort of things. I think I've convinced her that it would probably be best if you sought out counseling and maybe be put on some medication that she can monitor. You may not know me Willow, and I don't know you, but something stronger than you could ever imagine knows everything you're going through. Every pain and sorrow you have. Every tear shed and ever cut made. You're alive because of him. You have so much to live for. You're so young and God doesn't intend for anyone to die young."

I pull my hand away from her. "God doesn't intend for a lot of things to happen but they do."

"Yes, they do happen, and it's terrible. But you can always lean on him and pray about whatever is on your mind." Beth pats my knee and stands up. "I know something great is coming your way. You just have to be patient and strong. You're a strong girl Willow." She smiles at me one last time before leaving to room. 

I don't understand why she has any faith in me. I tried to kill myself and she's acting like I'm something special. I don't get it. I don't deserve this. I deserve to be dead. I don't want  to be alive. I want to be with Elizabeth. God took her from me. She was my true best friend. 

I swear she's the one who said I was going to be okay. I just want to be with her. I should be with her. I'm not okay. 

I start panicking and my monitor starts beeping like crazy. I can't breathe. I try to rip out the I.V. in my hand but it hurts. At that moment, Beth runs in with a couple other nurses. 

"Willow you're safe! The two nurses grab my wrists and hold them down next to me while I jerk around. "I don't want to be here!" 

"She needs sedated!" The nurse that's on my right side yells. I see Beth grab something and put it in my I.V. 

"Calm down Willow, you're okay. Just breathe."

A few seconds later I feel a metal taste in my mouth and a warmth all through me. My eyes get super heavy and I feel so calm, but it's not my choice. 

"It's okay now honey, just relax." Beth says, right before my eyes shut.