Chasing Chaos

Chapter 2

Half of me screams to go back and collect the beads off the ground, maybe if I can collect enough I can remake the bracelet. But the other half of me feels like the bus is still there, and in it all the laughing faces.

A tear drips down my face and I quickly wipe it away. I have to be strong for my dad. My mother's death affected him a lot. He used to be kind and gentle and easy going. Now he's always on edge and very protective. I get why though, i would be too.

I approach the apartments we live in and sigh. Before my mother died we lived in a large house with property. We had a dog and two cats and a dozen goats. We were all happy and free. My dog used to sleep on my bed and my cats used to sit on my lap while I did my homework. Used to. After she died my father sold the house and the goats. He gave away our dog. The cats knew how to hunt so we left them. We then moved into an apartment next to my school. For the first couple weeks it was extremely hard for me to cope.

I lost everything. My mind was full of confusion. My body was tired. My heart hurt. But I have to be strong for my father. I can't let him break. He's all I have left. Even though it feels like he's never here anymore.

We don't even know how my mother died. I remember the day exactly, the last week of my freshman year, right before summer. I got home from school and everything was normal. While doing my homework a knock sounded on the door. I answered it and standing there was one of the men my mother worked with. My mother used to work for the county, doing what I'm not sure. She never really explained it well to me. My father is a lawyer. The man looked grim. I could tell right away something was wrong, there was something seriously wrong. My dad came to the door behind me. The man messed with his hands, moving them in weird, jerking ways. "Yes?" My dad asked. I could tell by his tone he also knew something was wrong. "I wish I didn't have to tell you this and I wish I had more information for you, but... um..." he stumbled with his words and paused, "your wife was killed this morning." I felt my father freeze up behind me and my vision blurred. This man was kidding right? I mean he had to be. "What?" My father asked. The man shook his head, "Can I talk to you, alone?" my father's voice quivered. The man nodded and my dad stiffly walked outside and closed the door behind him. Leaving me standing there alone. The house was dark and suddenly I felt very lonely. I didn't sleep for a long time after that day. All my dad would tell me is that my mother died. They think she was kidnapped and killed. They found her blood scattered around the office. They never found her body but the police said she lost more than enough blood to kill her. I wished for days that I was in a nightmare. I wasn't. Everything was real. Everyday I wait to wake up. But I know I never will. Everything is real.

I lean against the railing in front of our apartment room. My heart thumps hard in my chest. My eyes burn with tears. I feel a headache coming on. But I steady my breathing as I stare at the medal plate next to the door. The numbers 356 are engraved into the medal plate. I look down off the railing at the view. When I collect myself I get the key out of my backpack and open the door. My dad is standing behind the counter in the kitchen. He looks up when I close the door. "Hey. Do you want some crackers with peanut butter? I made some for you." My dad used to stay away from cooking, baking and making food in general. Ever since my mom died he tried to become better and I appreciated that. But he closed himself off more and more. To the point where I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I didn't really feel hungry but I nodded anyways. He put the plate with the crackers on the counter and went to his room. I took the plate into my room.

I put my backpack against the wall and got my homework out. But I couldn't focus. I couldn't focus on anything at the moment. I got into my bed and closed my eyes. Tears came fast and heavy. I've held myself together for so long. Why am I breaking now? What's going on with me? That night I fall asleep and dream of my mother.