It's day 3 of thriving my through my darkened room without sleep. I haven't left my seat in days. The same record is spinning on its player. Over and over again I hum along to the music of Dion, his voice repeats in my head and I only move my head away from my screen to make sure my AK hasn't been touched, fearing the voices in my head are loud enough to shake the items in my closet. I'm surviving on energy drinks and the thought of my first love being with another. I hate feeling this way, I feel the constant feeling of feeling nothing at all. I'm psychotic. I fear love itself, but I also fear that nobody will fall in love with someone like me. I hate this. I've been feeling this way for years now. The reason I spend countless hours awake, mastering games that come so simply to me is because it distracts me from my thoughts. My terrible thoughts. I'm like the moon you see. Part of me is always hidden away. I don't let people in, and I don't let people get too close. I'm not good enough for love, or to be loved. Will i ever be? I didn't used to be the way that I am. They made me this way. Who is "they" you might ask? "They" is every person that has ever left. Including my mother. The psychotic bitch had filled my mind with negativity and had filled my body with caffeine at the age of 4. She left Years after infusing me with the undying self hatred and negative thoughts. A mistake. Someone washed up on the shore. I write letters sometimes. Not to people, but to things. Concepts. Matter of mind. I write letters to time, death, and love. I put them in the mail and send them to wherever they please. Death time and love all have one thing in common. Each one of those concepts have forsaken me. Each one of those concepts are the reason I am not a whole person anymore. Why I remain simply a shell of a being. Why I cannot feel love anymore, and why I want to feel needed.
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The Joy Project
Non-FictionThis is a compilation of all meaningful things I've written or received. Some are happy, some are dark. Follow along to see how certain things in my life play out.
