The Joy Project

Letters to Kim (me)

Dear Kim,
     I'm not entirely sure why I chose to write this in letter form but it'll get my point across regardless of how I write it out.
    I think you're the most beautiful girl on the planet and sometimes I'll catch myself staring at you and not wanting to look away. Because I have this fear, this fear that if I do look away then I'll forget what you look like. I never want to forget how gorgeous you are, I never want to look away from you.
    I've always seen myself as in a room, a dark room. But when I look at you all I see is a light. I look into your eyes and I see someone who's not afraid to go into that dark place to try and bring me out with them. I see someone who's stronger than they lead on to be.
    I don't know what I've ever done to deserve someone like you. I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you liking me back...and I certainly have no clue what I did to deserve an intimacy as strong as love between us. I could write for years about all the different and complex emotions I feel about us. I could write a whole volume of books on you and they would still never come close to portraying the truest form of those feelings that I have for you.
    You see yourself as this damaged and unsalvageable person. But that's not what I see. I see someone who can be helped, and I see someone who wants to be helped. But doesn't want to change, because you're afraid you may not be yourself anymore if you do. But I know you see the same in me as well, and sometimes in the moments of clarity that I have, like now as I type this out for you, I realize that you're right. I realize that I could help myself and that I'm the only person holding myself back. But you are too. You're the only person keeping yourself from being the happiest you can be.
      I want to help you get to that point, I want us to get to that point together. Because kim, I won't lie to you. Im hurting, all the time, their are very few moments in which I am not hurting. I hate this feeling, I hate myself for feeling this as well. I hate that I've lived my life for so long with this feeling. I also know you feel something similar. So maybe we could help one another. Maybe we could move past, our pasts. Because our love is in the now, and we can't focus on the past to maintain the now and ensure the future. So kim my love, I want to be better, with you. I want you to be better, with me.
    I want us to love one another with our best selves possible. Because you deserve me at my best, even if it isn't enough for someone as amazing as you. I want you to be able to look into my eyes and see past the kid I was, and be able to see the man I'd like to become, for you. I want to be able to hold you and not feel guilty for touching you with the same hands that took my friend from me. I want to be able to have you close to me without wondering if you're scared of me. If you're scared of what I've done.
   So kim I ask you please to love me as I'm going to love you. To work with me to bring one another out of these places that we're stuck in. Because there isn't going to be any moving forward between us unless we're both ready to change, and I won't lie I'm afraid of it. Im deathly afraid of what could happen if I change, because I might not be the Ethan that you love anymore. But I never will be truly ready. So let's just go for it.
     Kim you're one of the most important people in my life right now. You're such a good person, you look at me in a way that no one ever has, and I appreciate it more than you know. I want us to grow together and love together. So my love, I'll leave you to think about what I've said. Goodnight beautiful.

9:15 p.m. 
1/24/17

            -Ethan .T. Botts

Alright babe I know you wanted a paragraph and what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't do my best to give you everything you want? I'm currently listening to this palisades album and it's pretty good, well this song in particular anyway it's called cold heart (warm blood). It's rock, idk if you like that stuff but I thought about us when I heard it. Anyway, I just want to tell you that even if you do go away for a week and aren't able  to talk to me it's okay, I could wait for you for a year if I knew you'd still be there for me after all that time. Thankfully I don't have to, so don't worry about it. I think it would be good for you to get away from everything for a while, you deserve some time to yourself. But besides that, I think you're so gorgeous, and I know I tell you every day but I just thought I would tell you again. I know I must get annoying with that but it's just the truth.
About last night too, thank you. I have that dream often and I'm sorry that you had to be there for that but I'm grateful you stayed up for me. I'm grateful you hummed for an hour because you know I hate silence. It's just that when it's quiet I start to hear things, sometimes it's the gun going off and other times it's voices. Sometimes I don't like the quiet simply because delve into my own mind more than I'd like to. But anyway, I just want to thank you for all that you do for me. Because you really do a lot more than most have ever done for me. You mean so much to me and I wish I could tell you everything, I think I'm getting to that point. I'm glad that I feel that close to you. Because kim you're so amazing, you're absolutely gorgeous, you're too good to me. But I love you for it. So I'll try and treat you in a way that makes you feel like you're the most special girl in the world, because to me, you are the most special girl in the world. Kim my love, you are my world. I hope it stays that way.

I love you so much my heart hurts

Hey kim I just wanted to say good morning and that last night was a lot of fun for me. I'm happy you finally got to meet Eli and he was happy to have met you. I know that you just want to come over sometimes because you don't feel like going out and I'll try and make that happen sometime soon, I also wanted to say something else. I think you're the most gorgeous girl I've ever met and I'm so grateful for you because you could have anyone you wanted and you chose me. So I'm really thankful for that, I love you kim.