The Joy Project

To Those I Have Hurt (Hello 2018)

I am surrounded by so many artists, I'm surrounded by talent, and I'm surrounded by pain. My art is a product of my emotions. You can't look at my art. You feel it, you read it, understand it. I write about the abstract concept of love, and I write about the inevitable pain that I feel deep inside my soul. I write about my need to feel worth something, my need to feel important. I write about how bad it aches to have to lay next to someone knowing they wish you didn't exist. I write about the deep psychological pain I feel when I hear the word mom, and how an image of my own, drunkenly shaving her head in the bathroom will always haunt me. I write when I'm high, and all I can feel is a reminiscence of the past, but in a positive way. I write about how every boy I've ever fallen in love with has made an impact on my life and are the building blocks to the person I will end up becoming. I write about the angels that pick me up when I fall, and I write about the demons who haunt my dreams. I write about blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, and the black ones that I fear to see staring back at me in the mirror. I just want people to feel, I just want people to hear. It may take months, it may take years. I just want people to see what I am capable of, I want people to feel what I feel. I want you to analyze every word I say.
"I know you want to feel love. But you find yourself talking to your loneliness and staying home for hours cause if your friends really loved you they'd come." —————————-Nothing scares me more than getting too close, my eyes are always full of distrust and are always strained from the lack of sleep, and the constant aching nag that follows my brain into whatever situation I'm put in. No time to relax, no time to just let go. No time to yawn and go to sleep, no time to lay down and feel safe. I never feel safe. I fear going to sleep around men, because when some say "let's sleep" they mean let me get you to a point where you have no other choice but to let me touch you and take your innocence away from you strand by strand. When some say "let's sleep" they expect you to do the honors of pleasing them because they gave you a place to lay for the night. Always being alert and always fearing "sleep" when I'm alone with a man is a sad thing. But last night I felt safe again. I haven't felt that find of safe in months. I didn't fear being touched in my sleep, or being constantly woken up, I didn't fear the hands that held my cold body so lovingly. I didn't fear the closeness, I wasn't scared. I listened to music as my shivering little body stayed under blankets, masking the air that felt 10x colder on my skin than it should have felt. I closed my eyes and I slept. I just slept, and god damn it was the most peaceful thing I have ever felt.