I'm sorry and my head is messed up and it hurts and I know I'll be okay but there is more than one me and the me that I am right now thinks that things will never get better and that things will never be okay and my heart just fucking aches man it hurts so bad knowing that I will never be perfect and pure and I come crashing down like waves on the beautiful shore i ruin everything that is beautiful that's why destroyed my youthful wonderful self even though that's probably been destroyed a long time ago I don't know what's going on I can't even cry because I think I lack that emotion when I'm the me that I am right now. All I feel is pain in my fingertips and in my heart. The pain moves through me as if it is a normal blood flow. And I constantly have that feeling. You know that feeling when you are going down a steep hill or when you're on a roller coaster or when you're somewhere really high looking down? I have that feeling all the time and it hurts and it makes me want to scream but instead I just smile and laugh and giggle and that's why it scared people when I randomly lash out and it scares me too because I don't want to hurt the beautiful people that come into my life because they're the only reason I'm still here today. I'm just not used to someone caring as much as Ethan does and it scares me because devin never treated me this way and I was slowly taught by devin that love was pain and sadness and lust and sex and crying but I came to find out that love was so much more Than that and it scares the shit out of me that someone loves me and I'm still sad and I want to cry but I can't let it out, no matter how bad I want to. I'm just so sad sad sad sad sad. I want to be happppppy but I can't be happy because my brain doesn't let me be happy and I'm only happy when I'm with Ethan and that's it he makes me feel like my life is worth something and I feel so bad fort dad because he loves me so much and he gives me the world and he still raises two depressed children and he is depressed himself and I really do try to hold it together for him because he is my world and I'm so lucky to have a parent who hasn't given up on me but I just wish that everyone in my life was happy but I tend to surround myself with people who have depth and most of the people who have depth have had to go through some hard times to get to that point and it's hard to relate to people who haven't gone through anything because they don't quite understand the pain that I endure every single day like right now like right at this second I'm scared and ok sad because i disappointed the one person I love and it hurts and my eyes hurt and my eyes shouldn't hurt because that makes me remember and regret and I wish I didn't remember maybe that's why now I feel more powerful and I make my body a walking billboard maybe that's why I'm only submissive to the guy I love and maybe that's why I act like nothing can get to me. Because in reality im weak and I'm crazy and I hurt I hurt I hurt my heart hurts and I can't take it anymore I just want to sleep and never wake up or I wish I could wake up and be okay again like be okay the way I was in elementary school because she didn't hurt herself and beat herself up even though she got beat up by the other kids she never let her mess bother her head and I wish I could do that but that girl was still innocent and she didn't have photos of her posted everywhere and she's just scared to come back out knowing the surroundings that will close in on her and strangle her fragile body to death.
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The Joy Project
Non-FictionThis is a compilation of all meaningful things I've written or received. Some are happy, some are dark. Follow along to see how certain things in my life play out.
