The Thoughts of a Quiet Person

4

I have a confession. Well a lot. Some I'll probably keep secret to my grave. Others I'll tell someone when I'm 70. The rest I'll tell to you. First, I'm strange. You already know that of course, but right now I can't think of another word for it. I don't know what has caused me to be this way. Maybe it's all the stories about a girl finding her soulmate and living happily ever after. Or maybe it's the movies where someone keeps trying to find their "one" but ends up dying alone.

Whatever it is has made me feel weird around boys. Not just talking to them, but even if one is looking at me, there's something off. I guess you could call my strangeness egotistical behavior. But I hate myself for it. You see, whenever a boy talks to me or bumps into me (probably accidentally) or even looks in my direction, I think he's attracted to me. I don't know why I think this way.

Once I think a boy is attracted to me (they never are) 90% of the time I coheres myself into liking him. It's like in my mind, no one else ever will like me, so I better try to make it work with this guy. And the thing is, it doesn't even have to be a boy I'm concerned about. It happened last year with a girl. She said she had a crush on me shortly after we had become friends, and I felt bad, so I said I liked her back. I immediately regretted my decision because we had a great friendship and I felt awkward around her after that. We even dated! Eventually she saw I was uncomfortable and we broke up. Now we're best friends. But I'm still scared if she or anyone else had feelings for me (I hope not) that I'd do it again.