The Girl He Left Behind

What Do I Want?

*Saturday morning*

I waited, staring at my phone for the text to say Peter was 15 mins away which was my queue to leave the house and walk to the train station.

As I walked through the summery feeling woods, I began to feel nervous, scared almost. But why? He was my best friend we were always awkward together and weird that's why we got on so well.

When I arrived at the train station I saw his beautiful brown eyes as he walked down the stairs. We hugged and then started wondering the woods back to my house.

Until we came to a bridge, when he pulled me to the side and sat on the wall, while I stood in front of him. "What did you mean last night?" I blurted out again. "What you mean?" He sounded surprised that I had mentioned anything.

"You said, never know it might happen in the future?" I looked him straight in the eye or gaze never parting. "I mean I like you in that way but I can't do anything about it because I'm an ass who is in a relationship with someone else." He replied breaking gaze to look at his feet.

I sat down next to him speechless. What do I do? I want him but is he worth losing my friends over? He turned to look at me but I was too caught up in my thoughts to notice at first. He placed his hand on top of mine and then placed my hand in his.

My thought stopped when I realised what he was doing, I looked up at him and he started making his move. He was gonna kiss me and when he was about an inch from my face I pulled away and stood back in front of him.

"What?" He looked at me confused. "I want this but not like this, I like you a lot and I mean A LOT, but Amelia is my friend and I can't do this to her." I started walking up the hill, he followed and held my hand again.

I couldn't bring myself to pull my hand away again. I wanted him to feel this way but not hurt my friend in the process or loose the rest of them.

So we just continued to walk up the hill and along to my house. I didn't want to go back to my house anymore as I no longer trusted myself around him. I knew we both wanted to do something about how we felt but couldn't do that to my friend, Amelia, I would have to look her in the face everyday at school and at SMILE knowing that her boyfriend was cheating on her with me. No, I couldn't do that, I wouldn't do that.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by Peter, he had said something, I had no idea what as I was away with the fairies, but he squeezed my hand and then he turned to look at me. "So how much further to your house?" he repeated himself as he continued to gaze at me. Quickly I thought, Come up with an excuse so you don't have to go there and get caught up in anything bad. "Um... well… I only live a little further up this road but I was thinking we could just go on a walk as there is nothing to really do at my house... Only if you want to?" I asked as I gazed up at him.

"Sure" peter smiled. So we just continued to walk as I continued to think. I kinda felt like I was cheating already just by holding Peter's hand. I mean I love Amelia and this is her boyfriend and she has no idea what is going on at all. But the worst thing was I couldn't remove my hand from his, I didn't want him thinking I didn't want to be with him because I did, so badly, I should really say something to him.

But what do you say to a guy who has feelings for you, just like you do for him but you don't want to hold his hand because you feel you are cheating on your friend. So I said nothing we just small talked for a few hours till he had to go home. I walked him back to the station and when we once again arrived at the steps he leaned in again to kiss me, I turned my head so he caught my cheek and then awkwardly hugged him goodbye.

As he got on the train back to city centre I once again began my journey home. I was going to have to talk to Peter tonight on FaceTime just like we always did or he would know for sure something was wrong with me. What would I say? What Could I say?

He was giving me what I wanted, I just didn't want it like this. It wasn't worth losing my friends over, was it? I quickly shook that thought from my head, was I seriously thinking of risking my friends for this guy?