Life: Complexity And Adversity

1980 January - Seattle

I always found myself needing inspiration. But in my lifetime I don't think I will find something inspiring, motivating or anything that will give me enthusiasm. In all honesty I think I'll die young I'm only 18, I'd put money on me dying before 30, I would put money on it but it'd be pointless since I cannot receive money, nor do I have a next of kin, although I suppose my mother could get the money if this happened.

I guess you could say, I can already feel the cold grasp of the Grim Reaper pulling me into his arms, embracing me for the rest of time, an eternity of me and "Him" just sat there, he would tell me about the people he has taken before me and try to make me interested while I sit there all moody and depressed like I usually do. I suppose no matter what happens I will be in a hell of some sort.

"James!" I could hear my mother calling to me, yes I know 18 years old in America still living with his mother give me a break I'm moving out in a couple of days. "What?" I yelled down to her, hoping she wasn't going to ask me to come down. "Come down, right now!" I knew she knew I was in trouble now, I got off of my bed stepped over dirty pots and clothes, an electric guitar plus an amp. I then proceeded to twist the door knob to find that there was a stack of old CDs behind the door. I pulled the door knowing they would fall, I pulled on the door knocking them into the messy pile on the floor. I then stepped onto the landing and looked at the stairs then sighing I traversed down them onto the carpeted floor of the down stairs I saw stains in the carpet from when I was 10 and dropped lasagne on the floor, I never liked lasagne. I stepped through the archway and saw my mother.

"Miss Carlisle is this your son, James Edgar Carlisle," A man asked in a Seattle police officer uniform. she nodded as a response, "Right, where were you on January 5th 1980?" He asked directly to me, I knew what this was about, it was because of the vandalism, I did some stencil art in the college gymnasium. It was a rooster, which is the college mascot, and it was biting the balls of the principle. My stencil art usually consists of 3 colours red, white and black. White is neutral, black is every colour and red is the colour of passion. "It was a Saturday so I was at home, at about half past two I went to the pub with my friends; Will Fitzgerald, Ross Benedict and Julia Rosventroveski. We got drinks and I was back for 5." I used this as an excuse. "Well... that's funny because Will Fitzgerald is visiting family in Canada, Ross Benedict was at a concert and he has tickets to prove it, and Julia Rosventroveski drowned on the 31st of December 1979 on her birthday. You attended her funeral with the other boys who you named." He looked at me knowing what I did. "You're going to come down to the station tomorrow, answer some questions." He wrote this down on his note pad. "Unless you'd like to tell the school yourself." He added, I knew the notepad was a scare tactic, yet I know I have to submit to him. "Okay, since I know you have evidence, I'll do it, I will go to college tomorrow and tell them the truth." I had submitted to the "Establishment" and although I hated it, I knew that I had to do this and face numerous detentions over going to one of the juvenile delinquent centers of America.

The man had left. My mother smacked me 'round the back of the head. "Why did you vandalize your own school?" She questioned me with the most harsh tone, my mother was harsh but I knew she loved me, I was an only child, and my father ran out on us when I was only 11 months old. "Sorry ma." I said hoping she might forgive me. "Look at me, don't "sorry ma" me because that shit don't work on me I was raised in Texas, I'm raising you in a better area so you best not try to use Texan responses on me while we live in Seattle." She barked but I knew that she wasn't angry at me, she was more upset that I might be kicked out of another school. If I got kicked out of this school it would be my eleventh school. "Ma, I'll sort this out I promise." I insisted trying to calm her. She had started to cry by this point and I knew that at this moment I had to leave her alone. "Sorry ma." I walked back up the stairs and shut my door and locked the bolt on it.