Sunshine

Dear Sunshine 8/25

Sunshine ☀️

It's tough to be in a relationship when there is not yet an official relationship. She is listing reasons it would be too difficult and whilst you're trying to talk it out the thought 'my god I love her voice.' Is running in your head. Constant chats and videos calls about mundane things and then the important ones. She is so concerned with the distance but she's never ever far from your mind. Every message that pops up is a flutter of the butterflies that live in your stomach. Every notification of a video call is a skip of your heart beat. Every glance at a photo and video is a hitch of your breath and a passing 'beautiful'. Every giggle and cheesy line, every casual compliment has your affection growing.
You're conversations are blunt. Neither of you shy away from the difficulties of distance, culture, family, time difference, or the fear of hurting one another. It's not going to be easy. And there may be little reward. She is thinking carefully about how she feels. Says maybe we'll just be friends- you say it's okay. You'll take what she can give you. Because while you were only supposed to get to know one another and explore the /potential/ of a relationship you fell in love. And while you'd like to know where you stand you don't want to rush her, you know it's a lot. Part of loving someone is giving them space to make their own decisions.
She is concerned about whether you'll make a successful couple/relationship and you're basking in the wonderful simplicity of pyjama video calls where her eyes are glued to the latest show obsession and yours are glued to her.
It isn't that you are lax and don't take it seriously. You would care if it failed, at this point it might break your heart. She is sorting out her feelings and you- you who already embraced yours- are falling in love. You know how you feel. If heartbreak is to come at all you want happiness and bliss beforehand. It will be worth it.
Every conversation you have with her is punctuated with a silent, invisible 'I love you'. You're not ignorant to the possibility you may never say it. If she decides to be just friends you will swallow those words. It's painful. It's hard. But it's okay. It's okay to love. It's okay to be hurt by love. You're strong enough to get back and slowly pick up your pieces and heal yourself.
But right now you don't think of that. You focus on eyes and giggles and breathtaking smiles and kind words and warm feelings and butterflies and slight jealousy and safety worries and unasked unanswered questions. You're focused on be in love- on loving.
And you're going to bask in it.