Sunshine

Dear Sunshine 10/18 (evening)

You went with your friends to a strip club tonight. I'm not really comfortable with the idea of you being surrounded with beautiful women. I know sleeping with a stripper is an ignorant misconception and stereotype- I do. And beyond that I know that you love me. I trust you.

I am slightly jealous, but I would be more bothered if we hadn't been on video chat as you put your makeup on. But we were. We were just video chatting, it was simple- me watching as you did your makeup- but I felt so much love from you and for you. I think it was clear that we missed each other.

I would be more bothered if you hadn't put a fake hickey on your neck with makeup, but you did. My jealousy was obvious to you so you made a hickey with makeup so people would see it and know you were taken.

"If someone asks who gave it to you what will you say?"

"I will say it's from the person I love."

I was bothered by your friend who bought you a lap dance as a birthday gift. The fact that you messaged me to talk to me lets me know that I can trust you and that you were serious about being honest with me and working at this relationship. I really love that.

When I first read the message, I was jealous. All I could think of was how this woman got to touch you and I had not. I still have to wait a year. I couldn't get the image out of my head of a beautiful, sexy woman seductively dancing on you and against you. I wondered if you enjoyed it. I wonder if it was a turn on. I wondered if you realised that you- who is gorgeous and brilliant and smart and funny- could have someone like that. Not a stripper (though I suppose you could), but someone beautiful, and sexy, that you can touch and can touch you. Someone that's there instead of a jealous, insecure, inexperienced girl across the globe.

And then I think. If you feel even a fraction for me of what I feel for you, you'd never want that from someone else. You love me. You chose and continue to choose me, and our relationship, and the struggles that come with being in a long-distance relationship. You think I am sexy and beautiful, and things I don't think of myself.

Sometimes I think of it like this. The people you know and interact with or the people who hit on you are like a delicious, elegant desert. I am a piece of common, convenience store candy. Who would want common, convenience store candy over a delicious desert?

The person who craves it. If a person craves that common candy then no amount of delicious desert is going to satisfy them. In my mind, that's us.

And after we talk or message, I feel like maybe you think of me as so much more than convenience store candy. Maybe you think of me as that delicious, elegant desert. And I love you all the more for it.