Sunshine

Dear Sunshine 10/18

You messaged me after your cousins wedding. Nothing long, a simple 'it's my birthday. I'm going to sleep.' And I felt like the worst gf on the planet. In the stress and business of midterm exams I forgot the time difference and forgot that it was already the 16th over there. I sent you a voice message to wish you a happy birthday. I put a thread on twitter for express my hopes and love for you, I put a simple photo with a simple caption on Instagram so it didn't raise suspicion. I felt awful that it's all I was able to do for you when you deserve so much. It's your first birthday with me- and I wanted it to be special. I was honestly more excited for it than I've ever been for my own birthday. Just as excited as I am when it's one of BTS' members birthdays. I messaged you when I got out of class to ask if you were free. I wanted to video chat with you. You didn't respond so I assumed that you were busy with your day. I hoped you were celebrating and having a good time. It's only when I checked the chat later that I realised you had, in fact, responded and I just never received a notification. By that point it was late and you were already asleep.

You haven't been active at all on twitter or Instagram since then. The only time you message me is when I have messaged you first to tell you I love you, or how I overslept for an exam. Aside from that we've had no contact. I messaged you again yesterday asking if you were free. You never responded so I thought you hadn't seen it yet. When I logged onto facebook and looked at the chat it showed that you had read the message a few minutes after I sent it. You had the small green dot that shows activity next to your name an hour later.

I haven't messaged you at all today, or tagged you in anything on twitter. I'm a little worried that you're mad at me- so I'm giving you space. I don't want my inability to control my constant need for attention to suffocate you. I know I'm clingy, especially with the distance between us. I'm worried that if we don't interact someone else will catch your eye, that you'll be enticed by the option of having a real present partner as opposed to one on the other side of the globe that you'll hopefully be able to meet in January of 2019 at the soonest. I get worried you'll become bored of me- as I have with all my past relationships. When I worry about that it's not because I don't trust you. It is because I am painfully aware of how little I have to offer, of how much attention I crave and how uninteresting I am. I know I can be boring and burdensome, and I'm worried for the day you realise just how much trouble I am and decide I am not worth it.

When I get like that I'm reminded of how often I feel this way. I have had a good self-confidence year so far. I've been working on loving myself and being proud of who I am and I have noticed leaps and strides in my self-confidence; I'm so proud of myself. Then I get around friends who are happy and interesting. I think what use is self-confidence if I have nothing to be confident about.

I know it's only been two days that we aren't obligated to speak every day. I'm used to seeing your twitter notification drop down as a banner on my phone to let me know you're awake or free. It's dumb but it's a small reassurance that you're okay- that you're still there. I haven't said it yet today, but I love you. You know that though. I know you do.