Behind The Scene

CHAPTER 21

I needed to get out of the apartment. Needed some space to breathe, and get my head straight away from the four walls that felt like they were still echoing with the harsh words from mine and Ross's heated exchange. I felt like I was in a daze as I walked along the street, stuck inside my own head. When I finally regained my ability to realise where I was, I'd already arrived at the beach and was sitting on the warm sand, the soothing sound of the crashing waves, keeping me from disappearing into the dark abyss in my head.
I never intended to take him for granted. I'd never even realised I had. But now, it was impossible to escape the fact that I'd trampled over Ross continuously in my pursuit of fame and glamour. He'd been a victim in my one-woman war for freedom and recognition, and now, I had to find a way to prove to him that it had all been worth it. That we were going to be okay. Even thinking about it, I was aware of the somewhat selfish reason which lurked underneath. I needed it to be okay.
My phone rang in my pocket, and I sprung to it quickly, hoping it might be Ross, and that I'd have an opportunity to tell him how much I love him, and how sorry I was. I hated the way we'd left things, and with him now doing an even riskier job, I couldn't bear the idea of him putting his life on the line thinking that I hadn't spared him a second thought, and didn't love him as much as I hoped he still loved me. It was disheartening to see that it wasn't him calling me, and I reluctantly accepted the call from Crystal, flopping back on the sand as I wished I could rewind time and undo all the crappy things I'd done.
"Hi," I said flatly.
"Wow, that's not a happy voice. What's wrong?"
"Not sure where to start," I admitted.
"That many things?" She asked, sounding surprised.
"Ever fucked up so badly that you can almost feel your entire life ripping apart at the seams?" I sighed.
"Where are you? I'll come meet you, sounds like you need a drink."
"It's barely the afternoon," I replied.
"Five O'Clock Somewhere," She said simply.
Once I'd explained where I was, I stared at my screensaver, looking at Ross's happy smile. I wanted to see him. To go find him and make him hear me as I told him how much I love him. But I knew that it was a bad idea. This wasn't just going to be fixed with the use of those three words, and humiliating him at a new job by bringing our personal issues into the station was definitely not something that could help fix the situation.
Still, I thought, my thumb hovering over the envelope icon, A quick text couldn't hurt.
Opening the messages, I clicked on Ross's name, and began typing, backtracking several times as I failed to find the right words to say after such a huge blow-out.
Settling on simple and to the point, I took a calming breath and tried again.
I'm sorry. For more than what I can even fit into this message. I don't want your first day to be filled with the baggage of my mistakes. So please, just enjoy getting to know your new team. I'm so proud of you, grateful to you, and happy for you. You'll be an amazing firefighter, and I promise, I'll always have your six. I love you. See you at home. X
I hit send and watched as it was marked as delivered, turning my attention to the horizon, hoping it would be enough to undo some of the damage I created today. No more than a few minutes had passed before my phone buzzed in my hand, and my heart skipped as I saw Ross's name on the screen. Taking it as a positive sign that he'd replied, I smiled to myself and quickly opened his message.
I love you too. X
I re-read the short message on a loop, allowing the four words to re-install some sense of hope in my weighted down chest.
"There you are," Crystal said from beside me, snapping me out of my daze with a crash. "You look brighter than I thought you would from your voice."
She sat beside me and I nodded, tilting my phone to the side.
"I might stand a chance at patching up the wreckage," I explained.
"Care to fill me in?"
"It's a long story," I groaned.
She shrugged in acceptance, then looked away, out over the ocean.
"Presumably starting with you hooking up with Charlie," She said casually.
I turned toward her so fast that I cricked my neck, a curse word or two sliding from my lips as I reached up to alleviate the pain.
"How did you know about that?" I asked, stunned that Charlie would have divulged something so personal to someone else.
"Honey, if you wanna fuck your boss, don't do it at work. The crashing about in that office got some attention, as did the moaning I hear."
"Whoa, I didn't fuck him," I corrected her rapidly, "We just...oh god," I whined, "How many people know about it?"
"Everyone knows," She laughed, "Gossip breeds quickly in a strip club. The girls love drama," She told me, before seeing my panicked face and gently clasping my shoulder, "Don't worry, it'll die down, and no one will mention it to outsiders, it's Charlie after all."
I hoped that she was right because the idea of any of them circulating that gossip beyond the other staff made my insides twist into a pretzel.
"So what was it like?" She asked eagerly.
"Nope, we aren't touching that one," I said, going to flop back down on the beach.
"Oh come on," She implored, catching me halfway and wrenching me back up into a seated position.
"No," I said firmly, I just need to forget it happened. I can't think about it anymore, I've got enough to deal with right now."
She pondered my words, getting more comfortable as she waited for me to fill her in on the rest of the baggage.
"Ross finally came over here."
"Oh, that's," She began happily, before catching my eye and stopping in her tracks, "Oh."
"Yeah, exactly. He arrived on the doorstep after I got home the night that me and Charlie... you know."
"Fuck, Selena, that's some seriously bad timing."
"Right!" I expelled, slapping my hand against my leg, "Someone out there hates me. And now, I've fucked things even more."
"How?"
"Because he told me this morning that he got over here quicker by taking a job as a firefighter instead, and I flipped. He knows I hate the idea of him doing that job, so I attacked him over his choice to go behind my back and take it."
"Did he explain why he did it?" She asked considerately.
"Yeah, but by then, it was just too late, it had already exploded into a row. One where I got completely slammed by the way," I rolled my eyes as I went on to admit that it was deservedly so.
"Does he like being a firefighter?"
"Yeah, I think he's probably wanted to do it for a long time, but he didn't because he knew that I didn't like the idea of him being in such a dangerous job," I explained.
"I get that," She nodded, "But if he's sacrificing so much for you, then maybe you can at least meet him halfway here," She offered.
"I'm trying. I texted him to say I was sorry, and that I support him, but..." I trailed off as the thought of him being a firefighter still sat uncomfortably with me.
"But you don't really mean it," She nodded, seeing through my attempt to mask my displeasure.
"I can't just be okay with it because it'll potentially help him speak to me again. It's a huge deal."
"But do you really think things are going to be sorted with more lies?" She confronted me, pulling no punches as she folded her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes, a small frown line gracing her forehead. "If you're telling him you have his back, then you need to actually have his back. Don't tell him something that's not true, because he'll be able to tell, and it'll just make it worse." She pushed herself to her feet and held out a hand, "Now, c'mon, let's get a drink whilst we talk this through, you look like you need it."