Behind The Scene

CHAPTER 38

I barely set foot outside of my apartment for over a week after Ross left. I didn't want to have to come into contact with people, trying to pretend that my world hadn't just collapsed all around me. Instead, I spent days and nights on the sofa, not even sleeping in my bed as it felt too empty without Ross sleeping beside me. I ordered in on the rare occasions that hunger surfaced, managing a few bites at a time before pushing it aside and crying myself to sleep once more. It felt like the days all merged into one long continuous night, and I waited, miserably, for dawn to come.
As I'd been healing from the attack, Charlie had continued to pay me on sick leave. But now fully recovered, the time would soon come that I'd be expected to return to the club, and it was that which brought Crystal to my door one evening, carrying a bag of Chinese food and a bottle of wine.
"You didn't have to do this," I mumbled, throwing myself back down on the sofa and tugging my blanket over me.
"I think I'm gonna disagree there," She said, following me and looking around awkwardly at the disaster zone that surrounded me. "Doesn't look like you've been doing much to look after yourself."
She picked up a couple of pizza boxes, throwing them onto the table and making room on the couch. I shrugged with disinterest, my hunger returning at the smell of sweet and sour chicken emanating from the bag. She laughed as she watched my interest peak and promptly pulled out the box.
"You want this?" She teased.
I rolled my eyes, my stomach giving its first proper rumble in days.
"Please don't toy with me right now," I moaned.
"No toying with you," She smiled, "Just making a deal. Interested?"
I held up my phone, which had barely been out of my hand in over a week.
"I can just call for some myself," I said simply.
"But that would mean talking to someone!" She gasped dramatically.
"Fine, what do you want?" I asked with a groan.
"You can have the sweet and sour, and an extra spring roll, if after we've eaten, you go take a shower, and help me tidy this place up."
I pouted at her, eyeing the box and then the apartment. She was right, it did need tidying, it had been getting progressively worse for days, but I just lacked the energy to care right now.
"What do you say?" She asked, holding it out to me.
After a brief moment of contemplation, I nodded.
"Fine, just let me eat already," I said irritably, snatching the box from her outstretched hand and tearing it open, taking the spoon she offered and diving in without delay.
We ate silently for a short time before Crystal spoke up:
"Still no word, huh?"
I shook my head. I'd not heard anything from Ross since he left, and he'd not answered a single call that I'd made to him in the following days. I'd kept my phone glued to me in case he finally chose to return my calls, leaping out of my skin each time that it vibrated or rang, my heart pounding hopefully only to be let down as soon as I saw it wasn't him.
"He hasn't even been by to collect his stuff," Not that I want him to, but I kinda hoped that, if he did, I'd have the chance to talk to him again, to try and get him to let me make this up to him.
"Honey, you've apologised over and over, it didn't work," She said sympathetically.
"I can't just give up," I replied, playing with my food, my appetite disappearing again.
"I didn't say to give up, I'm all for determination. But I think that you're going about it the wrong way."
I narrowed my eyes curiously, signalling for her to elaborate on her thoughts. She sighed, pulling her feet up to sit cross-legged on the couch.
"You're not making the effort to change things, Lena. You're still the person who made those choices, and still in the position to do it again. You want him to forgive you, but you're not doing anything to earn it."
Her words stung, but even as I resented them, I knew that what she was saying was true. I wasn't earning his forgiveness, I was wallowing and just hoping he'd give it to me.
"I don't know how to earn it," I admitted sheepishly.
"You prove that you're worthy of it," She said sharply, nudging me, "Prove that you want to make a change and to make things up to him. Don't hang around here feeling sorry for yourself, waiting for him to come back to tell you what you need to do... because that's never gonna fucking happen. And it shouldn't," She softened as she saw me paling by her stern honesty, "I love you, you know that, but that's why I'm telling you this. He's the wronged one in this situation, and even though it wasn't intentional on your part, it doesn't change the outcome."
"So basically, man up and do something?" I asked timidly.
"Not just something... everything. If you really want Ross back, then give him something, someone, to come back to."
"The old me," I whispered.
"Maybe the new and improved version of the old you," Crystal corrected me, "The wiser and more considerate model."
I laughed for the first time in what felt like years as she attempted to phrase my list of improvements as gently as she could.
"I get it," I smiled, letting out a sigh, "I think I know the first step I have to take."
"Yeah?"
"I need to quit working at the club," I announced. "Everything I've done began there, I can't expect him to ever take me seriously if I continue to go back there."
Crystal nodded understandingly.
"I might be able to help there actually," She added, between another bite of food, "I have a friend who's a manager at a hotel. I can give her a call, see if she can set you up with another job?"
"Really?"
"Of course, I didn't come here to tell you to change your life up and not pitch in with ideas and help," She said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"In that case, I can use all the help I can get," I replied with a hopeful smile.
She patted me on the knee and nodded happily, finally giving me a little light to look for at the end of the tunnel. Acting on this, beginning to take steps to change brought me something to hold onto, to aim for. I wasn't sure what lay ahead, whether it would bring me what I desired, or only prolong my pain, but for as long as I had this hope, I would cling to it with everything that I'd got.