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by TickleYourPickle

by TickleYourPickle

Lol I left again

Oops 🙊

The monkey emoji is so adorable 🙊.... look at him ... aww

Back to my thing

The introduction kinda ruined what I was going to say but I'll say it anyways 🙂

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I'm 17, like I've mentioned earlier in the book.

I've always had issues regarding my physical appearance, self esteem, etc.

Since I was young (7+) you'd always catch me staring at the ground, avoiding eye contact, feeling bad about myself, all that amazing stuff.

It would fluctuate you know, like, some years would be better than others, but I'd always end up at the bottom where I started.

I feel like the lowest of the low I went was my freshman year of high school. I don't want to say I was depressed, because I was never diagnosed, and also because I feel like whatever happened during that time it was all fake & in my head.
I'll never be sure 🤷🏻‍♀️

But now I'm a senior, and I can honestly say that I'm a whole different person.

Some may say I'm the same, and I probably am, but I feel more confident and comfortable in my body.

I no longer see myself a worthless and unwanted.

I no longer feel like I'm the scum of the Earth like I used to.

I no longer have urges to do what I used to do.

And it makes me happy.

I'm not saying i walk around thinking I'm the baddest bitch out there, but I no longer make myself feel like I'm trash.

I would say "i looked myself in the mirror every morning and told myself I was wonderful" but that's a lie.

Honestly idk how I did/do it.

I'm also not saying I'm not self conscious. Of course I am, I still feel ugly, I still have days where I want to dig a grave up and jump in with no hesitation but it's not AS bad as it used to. If that makes sense.

It's kinda like I no longer care how others view me. I mean, I do care, but not to the point where I'd lose sleep because of it.

What I do remember is finally getting tired of hating myself so much.

I remember telling myself that it was time to stop being a whiny bitch and to appreciate all the stuff in my life because others had it worse than me.
(My method for cheering myself up isn't the best, as you can see. I've always been like this. Cause being loving & nice to myself doesn't work. I have to be mean & hurtful in order to get myself to do something right)

But yeah, idk what triggered this, but I started thinking back to my freshman year and I just realized how much I've evolved since then. It's crazy.

Many things have happened that little 13 year old me would've never thought possible, but here we are 5 years later, tanner and a little more confident 🐳🤷🏻‍♀️

September-27-2017