He came here nearly everyday. This lonely spot that I had found only a little bit inside from outside edge of the woods. A single bench inside. But for what reason? Why did he wander here? My mind struck as I realized he had been coming here long before I stumbled upon his spot. It was only fair for him to claim. Sometimes I would come back, just to see him and sometimes he wasn't there at all, but not often. And I came here too. I found it a place of therapy and he must have too because sometimes he sat there and stared into nothingness and sometimes, rarely, but he cried. To my surprise he hasn't caught me here, I was so in the open when I was here alone. Did he know I was here when I was alone? Because there were times where I too had cried. Miss preppy was living the wonderful life, but it got to me. I questioned my sadness. I shouldn't be unhappy right? I thought I had everything, but sometimes when you have everything, you only need one thing. Everything I did have was a filter, something to postpone my internal emptiness, for something I longed for, to finally fulfill me. Did he cry for the same reason? His sadness was what had me coming back to see him, it hurt me to see someone who looked to be so happy somewhere else, but so upset here. It was his weakness, therefore I vowed to never show this place to anyone else. He could've known I was here all along, but if he did he could've had said something, yet he hasn't.
Just like me, he looked as if he had it all, captain of the varsity soccer team, well put together family, nice house, nice car, nice clothes, good friends, and he even got more attractive over the summer when he got his braces off, he had the girls, he had it all, yet he too knew he was missing something. Before I stumbled upon this place I could never picture a boy like the oh so famous and popular, David Dobrik, depressed.
Yet, I couldn't question or assume that he should be happy because I'll never know what goes on in his mind.
After I first stumbled upon the crying boy and I showed to school the next day I was dumbfounded to hear his wonderful laugh play in my ears. How could someone so sad, be so happy? I was bewildered with my own thoughts questioning reality. Was it just me obsessing over my own problem, but reality was proven every time he sat on that bench, in the woods, and cried.
And one day I was astonished to hear him say, "Why doesn't anybody love me?" in the woods. But they do, people love you. You may not know it, but there are people who love you. I decided that I would write him a letter and laminate it then never show my face in his spot again. I could never reveal my identity to him and if he did know I was there, then he'd have to confront me because at that moment I wouldn't care anymore, at least he would know he was loved by some girl he didn't even know. But everyone else did know her because she was a preppy one, who also always seemed happy, but it was not always true.
Jokes were just a distraction from reality, some people felt the same, some didn't care, others were generally happy, and then there were the ones who knew something was missing. Laughing was a delay to the internal sadness that payed behind my eyes.
That was the day I did go home, I cried because I knew I had no where to go once I wrote this letter, but he needs to know, even if he didn't know who I was.
"Dear David Dobrik,
You are so precious. With my sincerest apologies, I would like you to know that I did stumble upon your oh so secret spot in the forest with this lonely bench which by now you will have found this secret letter and are currently reading it now. It became an addiction to come and see someone who looked so lonely just like I have been, even though I feel as if I had it all, I'm empty. And I may be wrong, but sometimes it seems as if you are too. I don't know if you know who I am, or if you knew I was there most of the time, but I listen to you. Just yesterday or whenever you come back to this secret spot of yours, I want you to know that I heard. Someone does love you David, you needed to know that, please don't be sad. Please believe me. As much as it hurts me to say this, but due to this letter, I won't be coming back to your spot. If you didn't know if I was there then, then I'm sorry, it was intended, I cannot risk my identity. I did enjoy the times when you didn't come here because I had the place to myself and my thoughts, but I thoroughly loved our time together even if we never saw each other or talked. Please don't write back, because I won't receive it. I can't jeopardize myself to more pain. Don't ever think you're alone, because for the times you were here, I was too. Don't worry, I could never share your spot with anyone, it would be cruel to show anyone else your spot to cry, because everyone needs a spot to cry. One last thing that I must confess, it's about your laugh, I only hear it at school, but it amazes me. It's your unique, amazing quality.
Love, your silent wilting flower,
Unanimous. L.K."
I continued to go and laminate it, slip it into a Manila envelope which says "David", and slide it into my bag. I will sneak the letter into the woods and tape it onto the bench early in the morning.
I don't think he knew my name, but I knew his and it stopped mattering. Somebody loves you, Dobrik, and you'll see. I gently fell asleep in my bed without dinner or a change into different clothes, my crying had tired me out. It was time I had to let him go because he couldn't be the one stuck feeling that nobody loved him.
I woke up the next morning and got ready the royal way like a practical preppy child would. Nothing too bad, just rich parents, a nice large house, and expensive clothes that I liked that you could buy anywhere else, but my mom insisted on getting the ones from the top stores. I jumped out of the house with a bag of apple slices, a wad of money in my pocket that I didn't need, and of course my backpack. I looked around before I arrived at the entrance of the woods. No ones around go now. I ran all the way to the empty bench just as I had planned, I pulled out the envelope. "I'm gonna miss you," I said, kissed the envelope, and taped it to the bench. I ran back out the woods making sure no one saw or followed me. I showed up to school and was greeted by all my friends, I couldn't understand how some of them were so fake though, they weren't real friends. Sometimes I wished that they would be better, but it didn't matter because after high school everyone was gonna lose touch anyways. I walked down the thick, crowded hallways and saw him. Of course he was laughing and I would never know how he truly felt because of what he said out in the woods. You're not alone, you never were. I'm sorry, but I Liza Koshy will no longer be attending your spot, for someone does love you and I would never want you to think otherwise. Notice me or not, I was just the preppy girl who seemed so happy and was fooling everyone, but not herself.
