Sparks of Gold.

Soda's Thoughts.

-Photo creds to myself 😏-

-Sodapop's POV-

I wake up thinking of Ponyboy. I think of the tears that were streaking his cheeks and the fear in his eyes. I remember the bruises and the welts- man he was really beaten up. I remember his hair all messed around from being pulled on and the cuts on his wrists from the frayed rope being tied around them. I remember the blood... A circle of it under him on the dirty sheets. Blood smeared on his thighs and down to his ankles. Thinking of it makes me wanna be sick. My stomach turns and I whimper to myself in the darkness of Steve's bedroom. Hes still asleep. It's real early and we don't have to get up for a few hours, but I can't sleep for the life of me. I keep thinking about those guys and how lifeless their eyes looked. Did they know that Ponyboy was just a baby? Did they know how worried we all were? Did they even fucking care? My poor baby brother. He didn't deserve that. He definitely didn't. If anything, I should have gotten it. I wasn't there to protect him last time, I've been a fluke since mom and dad died, I didn’t find him and Johnny in time to save Johnny when they ran away, I swear I can't do nothing right. And on top of it I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I'm depressed. Not just sad but like, clinically. Its like being sick in your head. I haven't spoken to anyone about it. I wanted to try and tell Steve but I'm not sure how he'd feel about it and I don't want him to treat me differently. I saw an episode on TV about it actually, that's how I started to figure it out. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm just overdramatic. I really should see a doctor about it...but I don't want to. Doctors aren't always understanding and sometimes they try to force medication on you or even worse- sometimes they send you to a mental asylum. I don't want to be locked up. I know my heads not right but I can't help it. I've just been so down. I miss mom and dad. I miss Johnnycakes. I miss when Darry and me were close. I miss Pony's hugs before bed. I even miss Sandy a little. Not dating her. But her friendship I guess? Before it all went bad, she was really nice to me. She acted like I could tell her anything. I trusted her and she broke my heart. She cheated on me... I miss being happy. I try so hard to smile but I just can't. I'm a loser. A dropout. A punk. A greaser. A low life. A failure as a brother, friend, and, boyfriend. Small sobs fill the room but I try to keep quiet. I hate how easily I get emotional lately. It's like any little thing can happen and my heart just aches. When it starts to ache I can't stop it and my eyes water and I feel like I can't breath. I just cry.

"Soda..? Hey...what're you doing up? You need your beauty sleep."

I hear Steve slur out some words as he tiredly turns my way and wraps an arm around me and pulls my blanket up over me tighter. We're under different blankets. Not because of Steve. I'm not comfortable with sleeping under the same blanket as anyone but Pony. And maybe Dallas. With Steve it's different. I trust him, really I do. But I get anxious and I over think everything and suddenly I scare myself silly wondering about things that he'd never do to me. He doesn't mind though. He just smiles and makes sure I'm comfortable. He makes sure I'm warm and my pillow is soft enough and he gets me a glass of water everytime I'm ready to fall asleep. Hes a great boyfriend. He doesn't care that I don't want to have sex yet or that I like to hold his hand under the counter at work. He doesn't mind me being a 'sissy' when it comes to new things. He always smiles and tells me it's fine. Actually, he apologizes most of the time when I tell him I don't like something. Hes tentative with me in ways that both scare me and sweep me off my feet at the same time. I think too much, that's my problem. I just can't seem to shut my mind up.

"Just thinking Steve...I feel real bad about Pony...I should have stayed closer to him."

"Soda, don't worry about it. It wasn't your fault."

"I'm his brother. I'm supposed to protect him..."

"Well..we can bring him a milkshake in the morning before work alright? We can't change what happened. But we can keep an eye on him and do our best to keep him safe."

"Can I talk to you about something..."

"You know you can."

"Well...it's kind of hard to explain...but..I sort of think I'm depressed. Like..I have depression. Does that make sense..? Don't hate me though..."

"Why would I hate you? I already figured that out weeks ago. It was kind of obvious when you started skipping meals and avoiding my calls. It's fine Soda. You're still you. You're just a little more sensitive. I'm okay with that."

Steve always puts things into simple terms. He always makes it so that I understand him and so that I'm on his side. Depression isn't just being sensitive, but I'll take it. I can settle for that definition from him because I know he used it out of caution so that he didn't hurt my feelings. That was his way of saying he wasn't going to judge. He looks so tired. I know he wants to go back to sleep and I'm keeping him up with my sniffles and occasional sob. His hand is on my shoulder, rubbing it gently and I like it. It feels nice to have someone watch over me. I hope Dal is watching Pony like this. I hope they're safe.

"I'm sorry I'm a pain sometimes." 

"Sometimes?"

"Hey!"

"Just kidding. You're not a pain Soda. You're great. I love spending time with you no matter what kind of mood you're in."

"I like spending time with you too..."

"You should go to sleep though...it's late. Like really late. It's five am. You need rest before work or you'll be sleeping in the garage the whole shift."

"Alright alright. I'll try and sleep."

I stare into Steve's eyes and they're hard. He has hard stormy eyes. They're full of clouds and rain and resilience. He has beautiful eyes. His hair has been washed and there isn't any grease left in it. It looks soft and fluffy almost. I reach over and play with his hair quietly. It feels nice. He watches me with amusement and hums when I rub his scalp. Kind of like a puppy would. His eyes slowly close and I feel a little better. Hes relaxed now and not worrying about me. I'm calmer too knowing he's about to fall asleep. He looks so handsome. Hes so attractive to me. I wipe my tears and lean over to kiss his cheek. He let's out a chuckle and opens an eye.

"Going to sleep baby?"

"Im still not used to that word..."

"Sorry."

"I didn't say I didn't like it. I'm just not used to it. And yeah..."

A yawn escapes my lips and I let Pony slip my mind one last time as my eyes close and I snuggle up to Steve. He looks surprised at first, but he welcomes the late night affection with open arms. Literally. He wrapped me up and cuddled me without a word of explanation needed. Hes so warm and cozy.

"Goodnight Sodapop. I love you..."

"Goodnight Stevie...I..I love you too."

I really love him.