the strangers series. (mgk ; machine gun kelly)

23 • 𝖊𝖓𝖔𝖚𝖌𝖍

Pain.
That was all I felt once I slowly started regaining consciousness, and i suddenly wished I hadn't. Pain in my arm, pain in my head, just pain everywhere.
It was the kind of the pain that was unexplainable because it was that alien to me, physically and emotionally. It was something I've never felt before, myself.
Once I was accustomed to the unfamiliar feeling that made me wish I was dead, I recognized the soft mattress beneath me, the familiar silk sheets making me feel guilty in a heartbeat.
Silk sheets and a comfortable bed meant Kells found me- high and doped up beyond belief. I felt a wave of shame just wash over me as I tried opening my eyes, the dark room welcoming me for the millionth time. The guilt was starting to suffocate me as I stared up at the ceiling with blurry eyes, the oncoming tears burning the shit outta them. Guilt for I don't know what, but I had a gut-feeling that I did something that could've fucked me up for real.
It didn't take me long to remember some of the stupid shit I did a few hours ago, things that could've killed me- the shit that Kells probably had to deal with afterwards.
The noise of my joints popping and bones cracking filled the quiet room along with my groans as I pulled myself up, somehow. The whole room started to spin as I straightened myself up but slowly ebbed away, leaving my face in its distorted expression even after it subsided.
I let my hazy eyes drop down to my half-naked chest, the bra digging into my skin starting to irritate the hell out of me. I clocked the fact that my pants were still on, realising that maybe Kells and I didn't do anything at all last night.
This pain was definitely something different- it was definitely different from the pain I felt after being with Kells for the night.
My eyes flickered over to my arm by my side, the blue bruise and pinpricks in my arm making my eyes pop.
It was as if the weight on my shoulders grew a million times heavier, every memory I thought I had lost from the point I got hella fucked up slowly returning to me all at once.
The red room, the two strangers, the syringes, everything, slammed into my head at the same time, building up a different migraine alongside the one I already had.
I was surprised I was even alive, considering all of the drugs that had mixed in my system- I shouldn't be alive at all.
I gasped for breath as I let the shame eat me up from the inside out, the guilt and anger making me feel even worse. How was I ever gonna be able to look at Kells without being reminded of the shit I made him deal with? How was he gonna be able to look at me the same again?
I bit my lip to stifle the sob that wanted to escape me at the same time as I heard the balcony door slide open, the sounds of the morning air filling the room.
The sounds of the birds chirping and the quiet chatter of men out in the backyard filled my ears but so did the silence that came from the man I knew was standing behind me.
I sighed before I cracked my neck, turning around slowly so that I was looking over my shoulder.
Low and behold, there stood Kells, a tired, sad, and disappointed look in those familiar blue eyes. Those eyes made me feel comfortable and safe but now all I felt, looking into them, was guilt and shame, and I hated that.
I gulped down the guilt as I turned back around and let my head drop, not feeling strong enough to maintain his intense eye contact.
He cleared his throat as he stepped into his room, closing the door with finality as he quieted the room once again,
"Glad you're awake."
The slightly menacing tone in his voice made his words take on a whole nother meaning and I was scared to find out what that was. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I trained my eyes on the other bruises on my body that I had developed over my drunken night,
"Yeah, well... i'm not,"
I shrugged it off with a slight chuckle but Kells didn't see the humor in that. Instead, He kept the silence between us as he allowed me to ponder. I wanted to know what he saw last night that caused him to be so quiet, what he felt, what he did to get me back here- what he wanted to say to me that he was holding back.
My ears perked up at the sound of his heavy footsteps, his feet dragging themselves across the hardwood floor until I saw him standing next to me, barely, out of the corner of my eye. I refused to tear my eyes away from my discolored splotches of skin until he came closer, the familiar scent of Polo cologne filling my nostrils and his sock-clad feet entering my downcast vision.
I glanced up to meet his tired gaze as he slumped down on the bed next to me, his bare, tatted shoulder touching mine. The bags under his eyes looked out of place on him, as if they didn't belong on his face and I knew they were there because of me.
The poor man was stressing out over me- over me. Kells clenched his jaw before speaking, his intense eyes capturing mine the second I met his stare,
"If you scare me like that again, I don't know what i'll do- i'll kill a motherfucker. You know i'll do it too. You made me think that last night was the end-"
I may have wanted him to speak but now, I didn't want him to. Hearing those words come out of him strengthened my guilt and I felt breathless from it. I shook my head in response, allowing my eyes to rest down on his scruff instead of that smoldering stare of his,
"I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."
Kells just sighed before staring down at the mark on my arm, where the needle punctured my skin. I could see the anger flood his eyes the longer he looked at it and I had the sudden urge to hide it from him. His words came out strained through his gritted teeth as he snapped his eyes away from the dip in my elbow and the vein that I filled with poison,
"That's the problem- you're not thinkin'."
That stung a little but he was right- I wasn't thinking and I was using it as an excuse to fuck myself over. I let him continue on his long overdue rant, our eyes meeting once again,
"You can't do that to yourself- to me. That shit's not fair, if you fuck around and kill yourself. And for over who? An asshole that didn't deserve you in the first place?"
Now that hit a nerve, but only because he was right once again. He was implying that I did that to myself because of Nick and there was no way I could sit there in front of him and lie to him about it- lie to myself about it. I did want to forget about Nick and I guess that's ultimately how I ended up there, in that room, in that position of weakness.
I sighed loudly, cutting off whatever he was about to say next,
"You're right- he's an asshole that didn't deserve me but it's not like I can forget him and the shit he said in a heartbeat. No, I can't do that and you can't do it for me either."
His eyes turned a darker shade as they flickered up from his sweatpants to meet mine. They turned a shade darker the longer he stared at me, his anger now easily showing through his clenched jaw and curt tone,
"So you shoot up on some heroin instead?"
The hurt was clearly written all over his face, taking me more by surprise than the harsh words. It made me wonder how mad he really was and I guessed that he was more pissed than he was letting on. His eyes immediately softened a bit as he noticed my sudden mood shift, his furrowed eyebrows relaxing a bit as well. Despite looking stressed as hell, he managed to look handsome as much as he looked angry and it was making it harder for me to focus on the matter at hand.
I gulped down the lump in my throat as Kells returned his now-softer gaze back on me, every nerve in my body making me feel tense and on edge,
"I told you i'm sorry- how many times do I have to say it?"
Kells shook his head in response, his pursed lips making me wanna back down and just shut the fuck up before I made things worse. He parted them to speak a few seconds after, his words making my heart skip a few beats,
"As many times as it takes for you to convince me that i'm enough for you- that as long as you have me, you'll be okay- happy."
It didn't take me long to piece together what he meant. He thought I shot up because I couldn't bare to live without Nick, and the defeated look in his eyes confirmed my suspicions. The thought of Kells not being enough for me to be happy was ridiculous since I felt so attached to the man, but it felt even more ridiculous that Kells felt that way. But I honestly could see why Kells thought otherwise. I honestly just didn't know if I could be truly happy without Nick in my life. That man was one of my best friends, one of the first few friends I made other than Lola.
He had a special place in my heart for years and now there's just an empty hole- a hole I couldn't cover up or fill. It was like a small part of me died with out friendship and, for some reason,  I felt the need to keep mourning it.
I snapped back into reality at the touch of Kells' firm hand on my thigh, his whispered words reaching my ears as softly as ever,
"Hey, Lilly,"
I focused back in on the blue eyes I grew so in love with and I felt a smile lift my lips, a gesture that felt so wrong but so right at the same time. He didn't have to know that I wasn't sure about whether I was completely okay or not so I was gonna give him the reassurance he needed.
I wrapped an arm around his neck, his soft skin feeling right at home under my fingertips,
"You're enough for me, okay? Like I said, I wasn't thinking straight, I was drunk and high so I had no idea what I was doing."
There was definitely truth to those words- a truth that made my heart twist and my stomach churn inside me. I loved him and he was more than enough, but I wanted more.
I let my words drift off from there as his arms wrapped around my waist, tightly and in a fast movement. He pulled me into his lean, tatted body and I felt myself slowly melt in his touch, his lips against my neck making my breath hitch in my throat,
"Never do that to me again- I don't wanna lose you like that, not like that."
I nodded but I felt the doubt inside me flare up like a burning flame. I felt as unstable as ever so I couldn't keep that promise, no matter how much I wanted to. I was a grenade, ready to explode even when I looked calm.
At this point, I knew nothing about what I wanted, especially regarding my will to live, so there was nothing else I could do but nod in response to the man that had me wrapped up in his arms. What with a dead mother, an abusive drunkard of a father, and a lost best friend, nothing felt right.
The only good things in my life were my remaining best friends and Kells- but even then I wasn't sure if they were really enough for me to stay. Yeah, I loved them with all of my heart, but what was the point of living without the one person you thought you'd never lose?
Either way, as I sat there in Kells' grasp, I still didn't know what I wanted, what I needed, to just stop the thinking, to get away from it all. I just wasn't sure about anything at all.