now that you're gone • theo raeken [1½]

»two«

JOURNAL

NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE

my life hasn't been such a mess. 
i go to class,
you're not there.
i get lost in my books of fiction,
and you don't interrupt me
because you're not there.
i go straight home,
sit in my underwear,
watch television,
and you're not there.
i climb into bed
with scooby doo sheets
and pink walls,
and guess what?
you're still not there.

but what's replaced you
is just as bad.
you came during the day
when my eyes were open.
these come during the night
when my eyes are closed.
at least with you i didn't
lose any sleep.
these attack me when i'm
vulnerable and off guard.

it's the same thing every night.
i should be used to it by now.
but i jump out of bed almost
as soon as i close my eyes.
i keep it to myself because
i don't want anyone to worry.
i know they know there's
something wrong with me.
they don't ask because they're
scared they'll upset me.

i don't mind,
it's easier.
they're scared i'm torn up
about you,
but that couldn't be farther
from the truth.
i'm glad you're gone.
you manipulated me.
left me entirely alone.
you didn't care whatsoever
what happened to me.

i loved you, but i didn't matter to you.