「look at the stars」 | Johnnyboy

N i n e .

Ponyboy hadn't really been intending on searching for him when he'd left the hospital with his brothers, but that's what he did. They'd looked almost everywhere before coming here. Sodapop and Darry had insisted to wait with him, to help him look - but he'd refused. The park was the only other place Johnny could be, and he knew it without a doubt.

"I remember what I said after the funeral." Those were the first words he said as he caught sight of the boy he'd been looking for. His back was facing him, but he could've recognized Johnny anywhere.

The suddenness caused him to jump as he sat up and turned to face Ponyboy with a confused expression. He'd been not-so-comfortably laying back onto the picnic table - the same one he'd decided to sleep on on hours before.

"Ponyboy, what are you-" It dawned on him that he'd said something upon approaching the table, which only increased his confusion. "What?"

"I remember what I said after the funeral. To you, when we were in my room." Johnny's eyebrows rose as he slid off of the surface entirely.

"I do too?" His tone sounded uncertain, as if this was old news - which it technically was. Though after the nightmare, it was the one thing he had to tell him.

"I just mean..." He took a deep breath, stepping forward. Here goes nothing, he thought, just before his next words made their escape. "I meant it, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know. I did too."

"No..." He was getting frustrated. Why wasn't he getting this? "Like, I love you, Johnny." At his unchanged facial expression, he sighed once more. "I love you like I'm supposed to love Angela." That was it. That was the thing that sent everything around them into silence. The crickets seemed to stop creaking, the wind seemed to come to a halt - even the sound of their breathing seemed to slow down.

This was that one special moment in books and movies - the one where they both confess their love and ride off into the sunset. But, movies and books always made things less complicated than they actually were.

"Pony..." He found his voice now, just barely. He was still rendered speechless; unsure what to think, what to say, what to do. He'd never thought that this would be happening. He decided to try his words again, prepared to gather how he felt. But, he still had so many questions; he didn't know which should be discussed first. "I-"

"You don't have to feel the same." More silence. "I already told Angela. She's in the hospital. Didn't even remember who I was, and I don't know, she just told me to be with who I loved. So I thought... 'might as well fucking tell you." Johnny thought about asking why she was in the hospital, or better yet - why she'd told him to date someone else, and why she didn't remember him. But, the only thing that came out was the first obvious question he could think of.

"How long have you felt this way?"

"A long time."

"But... why didn't you - I mean, what stopped you from telling me before?" The younger boy threw his hands up, tears welling up in his eyes again. He averted his gaze from him now, mouth fleetingly agape. What really had stopped him? Angela? Fear of rejection? Fear of being judged? He honestly didn't know anymore. All of that seemed so irrelevant now, so childish.

"I don't know." He admitted with a hasty shrug of his shoulders.

"So you're..."

"Gay? I don't know that either." He supposed there could've been other explanations; bisexuality, pansexuality, the like. The simplicity of it was that he wanted Johnny, and no one else. "I just know that I love you, and it's cool if you don't love me back." The silence was killing him. No, no, it was the anticipation that was doing that. He'd never minded the silence - this kind just wasn't the same.

"I'm not sure how I feel."

"Okay."

"Come on, don't do that..."

"Do what?"

"Act like it's all alright, when it isn't. Tell me how you really feel, Pone."

"I already did." His words were snappy and filled with fire, the kind of attitude someone usually caught with their parents. Johnny didn't blink an eye at this.

"No, about the situation."

"Honestly?" He took a deep breath, trying to steady his heartbeat. He'd been content just moments before; maybe a little sad, but content. Though now his emotions were just plain messy. "I'm pissed. I just told you I love you and you have nothing to say? Nothing at all? Not an 'I hate you', not a 'that's okay', not an 'I'm sorry', nothing?"

"What do you want me to say, Ponyboy? It's like, f-fucking midnight. It's cold. I-I can't think straight. I n-need a l-little time to process, okay?" His stutter had found its way back; he'd had a rough night himself, and this wasn't helping. A minute passed, then another. He couldn't lose him, that's the only thing he was absolutely sure of. The wind had picked up again, but he no longer shivered under it. "I couldn't ever hate you..." He added, much quieter.

"You're right. You're right, I'm sorry." He spoke calmer now, letting out a gasp of relief that he didn't know he'd been holding. He sensed the boy growing closer, the warmth of his breath just faintly making contact with his skin. He felt arms wrap around his waist, pulling him into an embrace. The movement was enough to send his stomach into a fit of somersaults, and he cringed at that. Johnny didn't even know how he felt yet; he couldn't let himself get his hopes up.

Nonetheless, his own arms snaked around his neck. "I care about you, Pony." His eyes fluttered closed at the words, heartbeat slowing to its regular pattern.

"I care about you, too." After a while, they pulled away from one another. Johnny's gaze traveled toward the sky; the stars were seemingly more prominent than usual. At this angle, his busted lip was easier for someone to catch sight of, and Ponyboy did just that. "Hey, what happened to your face?"

Instinctively, he reached out, running the pad of his thumb over his cheek. Johnny whinced at the touch, but didn't shy away. The swelling along it was obvious to Ponyboy now, and he felt a pang of guilt for not noticing before.

"I-I didn't want you to see it..." Without another word, though with some caution, Ponyboy leaned forward. His lips gingerly brushed along his cheek, then his other before feathering over his nose. He stopped there, faces now noticeably too close for comfort - though neither made an effort to move. His heartbeat sped up once more, eyes flickering from the boy's lips and back to his eyes.

After what felt like forever, the younger boy made his decision. He placed his hands against the back of his companion's neck and pulled him forward, lips crashing together. Johnny ignored the pain his body was in and, alas, surrendered to the blissful sting of it all. It was brief, innocent - but everything he never knew he needed.

Johnny offered him a half-smile when they pulled apart, glancing at the sky one more time before he knew what to say.

"What do you say we look at the stars for a little while?"