One Minute

5. The hidden scars

Next few days ware no better! I had nightmares. Lots of them. Anna had to sedate me. I couldn't stop thinking what that girl shared. What she would have felt when her choice was taken away from her. Everyone in here were harbouring a past they could not change. I kept seeing myself in her place, then I would wake up screaming and thrashing and gasping for breath. 

Sometimes I was myself, stuck in a loophole where I was locked in a box and my hands were tied. I would try to free myself but the moment I did, I would be back at the beginning with tied hands in a dark box. Sometimes I was the tormentor, slashing mercilessly at my captors, again and again with a butcher's knife but, the worst were, where I was dragged on road by my hair with burnt marks all over my body. They were recurring nightmares, everytime I saw it, I would check for burn marks in the mirror. 

Anna had her hands full, round the clock. There were times when they would tie me up and gag me, others are getting effected by my behavior, they said. But I knew they did it to save me from myself. 

During the fits of rage I had no control over myself. Yet they handled me as if they predicted it. Maybe it was their experiences speaking. Maybe they just knew I was not to be let loose. 

Anna always smiled at me which never reached her eyes while injecting me with tranquilizers. Sometimes it would take three to make me stop hurting myself. I didn't need any weapon, my hands were enough. Sometimes I would dig my nails on my wrist to ease the pain in my head. Anna would rush to me and shake me, tie my hands and then chip my nails off to the core. Then the sobs would emerge, consuming me completely. The girl opposite to me on other bunker always sat watching me like a spectator without uttering a word but I never thought how Anna could rush towards me the moment I went in rampage mode. 

I lost track of time, and strength to fight myself. I was tired, physically and emotionally. Somedays I refused to eat, or leave my allotted room. I, simply would gaze out of the window aimlessly. Many a times Anna tried to pull me into conversation but my silence deflated her, discouraging her furthermore from communicating with me. 

I think I simply didn't wanted anyone near me. The struggle to let go was gnawing at my soul. When I look back at those days I feel ashamed of my behavior, how I made it harder for all of them still they didn't let on as if I was nothing more than a means to income. 

Instead they gave me space and time. Which I needed the most. 

Five days had passed since the session, I was in better control than before. But, my mind still reeled from time to time towards the darkness. I sat imagining different ways to kill myself. My eyes would roam everywhere searching for anything that could be used as a tool to my freedom, afterall this was the only purpose I had in my when I had decided to come here. And then I found one. In a very unexpected place. 

I had just eaten my breakfast when I noticed my room was empty, as I always returned as soon as breakfast was over. The other girl was suspiciously MIA, which was a rare thing. But, as uncaring I was, I moved towards my bed when I saw it. Tucked beneath her mattress was a paper cutter. How it got here was unknown to me but my darkness roared and it got controlled over my body. I pulled it out and sat on my bed tracing a line on my left wrist. My darkness was playing with me. I was sure. I could see the blue veins filled with my blood flowing through my wrist to my forearm. I kept the cutter on it and .... 

"As expected". 

An unfamiliar voice jerked me back into normalcy, receding the darkness but not before accidentally cutting at the wrong place. I hissed and gritted my teeth. 

Trap. 

My brain screamed. 

I slowly turned towards the door and the girl was standing there. Hands folded and feet crossed. A knowing smirk on her face.