One Minute

2. Decisions

I woke up to needles and beeping noises.
I woke up regretting why I am still breathing.
I woke up hating the air that I inhaled.
I wanted to rip off the needles and do something again. I wanted to scream and pull my hair. Why? Why couldn't I go in peace. Why still I have to suffer? Why was I being tortured? Can I not decide the expiry date of my own freaking life? Why should I be subjected to this torture that is life .
Then I heard.
Among the sound of continuous beeps and my growing anger was a  muffled sobs. Far away. Some place where I couldn't reach. I could hear the whimper but could not see the source. I could hear the uneven breathing but could not see the face it belonged to. But still I knew to whom it belonged. I moaned her name and the sobbing stopped. My ears were tuned to the shuffling sound, then two eyes, sore, swollen red eyes came in my peripheral vision. A kiss planted on my forehead. And a whispered "Alhamdulliah".
"She's is awake" her shaking voice called out. The burst of door, frantic footsteps and another pair of angry yet swollen red eyes bore into mine. "Don't do that ever again. Do you hear me?"
How could I say yes when it was not something I wanted. So instead of relieving him of his pain I turned my head away and heard a sigh. I know I had disappointed him. Again. But, life was not fair to me either. Life had disappointed me again and again, so, being my father he had to bear the burns of what I felt too. Was I cruel to think that ? Maybe yes, but I was long past the sense of reasoning. I was beyond any help. Or so I thought.
Days passed and with every day my growing need to fade kept increasing. Dad, mum and others wanted me to do things I was not ready for. I was a disappointment after all. How could I be anything else. Different people came and tried to help. But I was not ready. Never ready. They told dad it's not healthy. Dad told me he needs me. I told myself. I can't bear it anymore.  But I guess I could that's why I'm still here writing, thinking, breaking and then healing......

I was told that I needed help. Professional help. I wanted to be away from all that wanted me to not disappear. So I agreed. I agreed because I didn't think anyone could help me. I agreed because I knew I was beyond help.  But I wanted them to live without me. It was a chance I got to be away from the constant misery I was giving them. It was my chance to finally be free of emotions. Of them. Who loved me and lived for me. I punished them for keeping me alive and yet they accepted it, and yet they allowed it for my sake. To keep me sane.

It was supposed to be a 45 days rehabilitation, but I didn't know this one decision will change the course of my life. I didn't know that this decision will be the catalyst in many different ways. So without knowing what will be my life in there I said goodbye to my family thinking finally they will learn to live without me and I'll find a way to leave as well.... forever.