At first I thought the lead character was going to be female, so it threw me off. I was glad it did though and I think the title is nice. It definitely has to do with the main plot and I like its directness.
➢ Cover
I don't really like the cover. Although it is simple, it is a bit ugly. The word placement looks strange and just doesn't fit well.
➢ Description
The description is just the right length for a novel, and I think it will go well on the back on an actual book. I don't think you say too much or too little, and the description itself was definitely a turn-on for wanting to read.
➢ Grammar
Your grammar isn't bad from what I've seen, but you do have a few things I wanted to touch on. Many young writers have a problem with run-on sentences and one way to avoid them is to read your writing out loud to yourself. Read it and don't stop unless there is a reason to, like a period. While you read this outloud to yourself, think about these questions: Is the sentence too long, does it have too many commas or pauses, and are you at a loss for breathe by the end because of how long it is?
Another thing I noticed is that you have a tendency towards short paragraphs. Two to three sentences can be called a paragraph, but I suggest you find a way to make the paragraphs a little longer. After fixing any run-ons, I suggest combining paragraphs in the story and figuring out how to space it a bit better. Your writing is nice and it flows well, but I don't like the flow itself being broken up by the way your book is formatted.
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I like the emphasis you put on the inner thoughts. I normally don't like one-liners, but I do use them. I don't see a problem with this as long as you keep it classy like you did above. My only tip for this: try not to over do it.
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I see the emphasis you put on the word hop here at the end, and I do think you should be emphasising it. The sentence itself just doesn't sit well with me, and I think maybe you should try to revise it. Maybe instead of a colon, you could use a semicolon and change the sentence to: "She brought hope."
➢ Characters
➢ Mason Valor
- very obviously dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression
- interesting thoughts about the five stars he mainly speaks of
I can relate to this character very much and you seem like you understand him well. Most people have a problem writing characters at first because they can't feel/understand what that character is like. Reading this boy, Mason, I feel like you've put a piece of yourself into him. I believe putting yourself into your writing is extremely important, and I really just wanted to say bravo for connecting to Mason so easily. I really like him.
➢ Plot/Originality
Although this plot has been rewritten many times, I think you've so far done a good job of keeping it more true to you. You placed a setting that was familiar into your book, as well as a character with similar feeling to those of this category. I am all-too-familiar with these types of books, seeing as I have not only read many of them but am writing something similar.
I think that having the male lead being the one with depression and bad thoughts was a good choice. I think this will allow the character to react differently and strangely compared to a female lead in the same situation. I find that most books like this either have a weak female lead and a strong male side character or an all around weak plot. I'm hoping to read more of this book seeing as you currently have only a single chapter up.
➢ Style of Writing
I very much like the way you write. It is detailed and personal. It drags you in and makes you feel without boring a reader. I think the emotional connection you have with Mason and the small details you provide really enhance the style you have. I really enjoy reading this sort of style because it hits close to home. It just sounds lovely overall, and I'd hate to see it change drastically.
➢ Conclusion
I really wanted there to be more, so please continue to write and keep going! I can't wait to see the next updates, because I will be reading even after my review is complete. Good job and keep it up!
➢ Tulle Count: 7 Rolls of Tulle
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➢ Extra notes:
I really like this book and I want to read more of it, but I'd also like to see you put a little more formatting into the book. On my books I indent my paragraphs, but wattpad does not have support for indents. I've found that five spaces is about equal to an indent. You don't have to do this (seeing as it is quite tedious), but if you want to spend a little time when you upload, I suggest it. Indenting can be the very last step when you upload as well.
Also I'm sorry this is so short, but there wasn't much to review (especially because it mostly looks good).
Last note: You have almost made our recommended list with your count of tulle, but I'd like you to continue writing your book more so I may judge again at later time. I will add you to the list as soon as you can upload more. I really wanted to add you right now, but your book is currently very short. I'll be waiting for you!
