19/05/09
Promises broken. Cameron said he would come over on Saturday, he lied. He apologised and said Sunday, he lied. Now he says he'll definitely come over tomorrow. This boy just can't help but hurt me can he? Stupid boy. Stupid me for falling for it. So I'm pushing the drug out of the system. In other words I'm not listening this time. He says his sorry, he says his coming, he says he means it. He doesn't know how it hurt me. Hannah watched me cry the whole weekend. Only because the stupid ass hole doesn't understand. I'm different. I'm not like those other girls, I'm not obsessed. I'm not in love with his looks like Ebony or the others. I'm in love with him. I'd take him all. I'm really fucked up aren't I? He doesn't feel the same way about me at all.
My hair started falling out today. I had to go and see the doctor, he told me it was stress and that I should relax more. Mum told him about my insomnia and he prescribed me more pills. He told me if things got worse to call him. I didn't like the idea of relying on pills to make me feel better. It made me feel like him, my mothers old boyfriend. I didn't want or need drugs. I refused to take them.
Hannah said she'd still love me, even if I went bald. So whatever, nothing matters as long as I have her. Mike and Amy are really starting to peeve me off. They're always so busy together. It's like they don't even have time for me any more.
Lately I feel like I have no feelings. No life. Hannah knows everything about me and she gets nothing but honesty from me. I don't lie, I don't hide things, I tell her anything. Yes, Hannah knows all. Which is a good thing. I feel as though I don't feel much any more. I presume it was brought on thanks to Cameron, Amy, Mike and Ebony. I'm giving up on life really. I don't want to admit it but I am. All I care about any more is Hannah and myself. Hannah, Hannah, Hannah. If anything were to happen to her...I don't know what I'd do.
20/05/09
Cameron called me early this morning. I was really ready to bite his head off. I swore if he was about to tell me he wasn't coming over I would scream into the phone and tell him to never bother talking to me again, no matter how much it hurt. I couldn't handle any of this any more. Ebony and all her games, Cameron always being so confused on whether he liked me or not. It drove me insane. He ended up asking me if he could come over earlier, he even told me he knew I'd freak when he called me. I said it was fine and as soon as he hung up I called Noah. I'd made plans with him in case Cameron didn't show up again. I wasn't going to sit around the house pouring my eyes out again. I knew that much. Noah was really excited when I called him. He knew exactly who it was when I called, though I suppose he might have been expecting me.
"Elise!"
His excitement made me smile. He was so sweet and lively.
"Hey Noah."
I sighed. I hadn't seen him in a while. He'd told me he was busy working and studying a lot at uni. So I didn't keep pressing him to hang out with me. I thought he might get angry if I did, even if I did miss him. Which was quite a lot.
"Hello. So I'm guessing Cameron isn't showing up today?"
He was so excited. I felt really bad about breaking the bad news to him and telling him that Cameron actually was showing up. It had to be done though and we'd hang out some other time.
"Actually that's why I'm calling. He is turning up and his coming over earlier than we arranged."
"Oh," he sounded really gloomy and my heart caved in. I didn't realise he was looking forward to spending time with me that much.
"Well I hope you guys work things out."
There was something hidden behind those words but I couldn't figure it out. It was like he kind of did want us to work things out, but was hoping more that we didn't. Why would Noah care so much if we did or didn't work things out? It wasn't a problem for him.
