09/06/09
Diary I must confess,
I've been crying on and off. I'm beginning to get used to it. All this pain I have stored inside, with this skin as my only protection. I've tried so hard to fake smiles. It's not working though everyone sees right through me. I'm crying out for help but nobody cares. I know I'm not okay. I know something is wrong with me. I don't know what to do. With depression they say your supposed to speak out and tell everyone how you feel. But what happens if you have told them and they just don't care? How can gaming nights be so much more important than lives? I begged Cameron to stay with me. I begged him to talk with me, to help me out. He just told me to stop being silly, that he knew I wasn't about to do anything stupid and I wasn't in any trouble. He told me he was going to a friends to play games with for the weekend. He didn't understand, I've already done something stupid. That's what I've been trying to tell him but he just wont listen. Do my best friends even care? I've been thinking about suicide so much lately. Cutting, drowning. I even walked around the house in search of a knife. I'm guilty and selfish. I've hurt too many people. Nathaniel, Ebony, Noah. All I do is destroy peoples lives. I need to stop thinking about everything. I want to fall asleep and never wake up again.
I sat at the computer and watched msn windows flash before my eyes. For some reason I couldn't move. Unable to type, unable to read, to click a house. I just sat there and let tears run down my face as I thought of attaching an anchor to myself and falling into the ocean. I thought about letting the water fill my lungs and stop my heart.
I'm going to stop eating. I'm going to stop talking to people. I'm going to stay in bed forever. I wont even move that way I know I wont hurt myself. I always feel as though Cameron doesn't care about me. Choosing to play games than to help a suicidal 'best friend'. I love him more than he knows. I would give up everything for him.
I need someone to come to my house right now and rescue me. Noah, Amy, Mike, Cameron, Hannah, anyone I don't care. I just need someone right now. I'm so scared of what I might do.
01/07/09
It's been some time without Hannah and Cameron. Noah has been texting me, not that I've answered. I haven't been talking to anyone lately. I've shut myself inside my house and hibernated my life away. I'm so thin now. I haven't been eating at all. I've gotten used to the stomach pains. I'm surprised I'm still able to cry. I would have thought I'd have nothing left to cry up. I've been drowning myself in my own tears for weeks. It's always the same. I mostly spend my days locked up in my room during the morning and night. When my mum goes to work I'll slip out of my room and sit on the floor of the shower cubicle crying all day with music pumped up really loud. Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror for hours on end just to look at the bones that are now starting to poke up out of my skin. I know if I don't start eating soon I'll probably be able to see my whole rib cage. I've been coughing up blood every morning. I'm not sure what's causing it. It must be the lack of food. That's my only guess. I'm still losing my hair it's not coming out in chunks. Just a lot of random little strands like you'd find after brushing your hair, but there's more than an average person would have. I decided to get a hair cut. All my beautiful long brown hair is gone. It's been replaced with short black hair. I kind of look like Selene from Underworld now. The minute I saw my hair drop to the floor, I regretted it. I miss my long hair.
4/07/09
I heard someone knock on my bedroom door today. I didn't move I just lay there in bed knowing they'd go away in a few minutes anyway. A note was slipped underneath the crack of the door and I just stared at it. I was right, minutes later the person left. I was beginning to drift off when I noticed something strange. A hand slipped under the crack of my door and pulled the note back out. They must have known I wouldn't get up to read it. I fell asleep.
