His Presence
I had a boyfriend, mag-sisix years na sana kami nung’ March 23, 2015 but the unexpected thing happened, he died because of a nightmare (March 9, 2015), that very time was the most dying and unforgettable moment I had in life. Maniwala man kayo o sa hindi, he died 2 weeks before our Anniversary, after that heartrending event wala akong kinakausap, kakarampot ang kain ko. I actually ate once a day, I just wanted to go after him because visualizing that scene makes me more crestfallen, until after his burial. Mga 5 days lang siyang pinaglamayan, yun’ kasi gusto ng parents niya, and the unexpected turn of events happened.
3 days after his burial, I saw him sleeping in our bed which is March 18, 2015. Don’t get me wrong, may sarili na kaming condo unit, live-in na kami, the plan was to get married sa ika-7th Anniversary, but it was all impossible already.
I barely believe in ghosts, kaya nung nakita ko siya, akala ko hallucination ko lang dahil I was so worked up that day. Nagpakalunod ako sa trabaho, nag-oover time ako lagi kahit wala na kong paglalaanan ng pera ko. When I saw him, I suddenly had the urge to hug him but I didn’t, because at the back of my mind, someone is telling me that “Pagod lang yan, take a rest, patay na yung tao binubuhay mo pa” So what I did was lie in my bed, and nung ang bigat na ng pakiramdam ko, I felt cold pero wala na, nakatulog na talaga ako.
The morning came so fast, siguro dahil sa pagod kaya nagmadali akong gawin ang morning routine ko at pumunta sa kitchen. But the moment I stepped out of the room, I was dumbfounded. I saw him again, he was sitting comfortably kung saan yung laging pinupwestuhan niya pag kumakain kami. Kinabahan ako na ewan. He looked at me and maybe he noticed that I was not moving, literal kasi akong nakatanga sa kanya. Nagulat lang ako ng sinabi niyang “Baby, kumain ka na *smiles* you’ll gonna be late AGAIN.” Emphasizing the last word, lagi kasi akong late dati, kasi naman I am not a morning person.
Pero di pa rin ako gumalaw, male-late na ko at lahat lahat, tinitigan ko lang siya, I badly missed him, I really do. How his messed hair covers his right ear and all. Nakakapanikip ng dibdib yung sa sobrang pagka-miss mo sa tao, kung ano ano na yung nakikita mo. “I probably need a psychiatrist” yan na lang ang nasabi ko atsaka pumunta na sa small table sa kitchen. Literal na nagsitayuan yung balahibo ko nung narinig ko siyang napatawa. Rinig na rinig ko yun kahit ang hina, pero siyempre nagstay pa rin ako sa reality na WALA NA NGA SIYA.
I didn’t bother to look at him, napatingin ako banda sa may inuupuan niya pero nakayuko lang ako, walang plato sa harap niya, sakin lang. Totoo ang pagkain ko kasi tinusok ko pa ng tinidor yung kamatis, vegetarian kasi ako. Lahat totoo. Nakakabaliw talaga. Kaya tumingin ako sa door kung may nakapasok ba at siya yung naghanda ng food ko, pero wala, lock pa rin. How come? Pero nagulat ako ng bigla ulit siyang nagsalita “Baby, are you waiting for someone? Ang aga-aga bisita agad?” yung tono niya parang nagtatampo, na nagseselos na ewan, ganyan siya pag-nagpapalambing. “Nope baby, chineck ko lang kung nakalock ba yung door natin” mas nagulantang ako sa sarili ko, napaka-impulsive ko talaga. Ba’t ako nagsalita? Kausapin ba naman ang patay na? Feeling ko talaga, wala na ko sa katinuan ko nang mga oras na yun. And the rest of the day was history.
Pagkauwi ko, nakita ko ulit siya, nakaupo na siya sa sofa. He was smiling at me, hindi niya ko hinalikan, like what he always do pag umuuwi ako (Baliw na talaga ata ako). But he tapped the space where he wants me to sit which is beside him. We talked about things and after a couple of hours, he went inside the room and sleep. Maya-maya tumabi na din ako sa kanya, and I tried touching him in his arm but I failed, ‘he really is ghost’ I silently cried that night. I stopped sobbing soundly. Pero bakit nandito pa siya? May naiwan pa ba siya? May hindi siya na-accomplish na tasks? Hindi ko alam ang sagot, but I was still happy kasi di siya nagbago, siya pa rin yung SS ko (sweet and sensitive) honey ko. 3 days had passed at linggo na nun (March 22, 2015) where I needed to go to the church and I went alone.
Ganun pa rin ang naging takbo ng mga araw ko. I can still see him, talk to him like he was real. Hindi siya sumama sakin kasi may gagawin daw siya sa unit namin kaya hinayaan ko na lang, since hindi rin ata makabubuti na sumama siya. Baka mag-usap kami sa simbahan at mapagkamalan pa kong baliw which I am certainly not. I know it’s his soul pero hindi ko pa rin masabi sa kanya na he must go. Iniisip ko nga baka hinihintay niya kong sabihan ko siya na, I am okay but I am not. I can’t lie, he knows me very well. Ako kaya ang rason? Yan talaga ang lagi kong tanong sa sarili ko.
After the mass, I bumped into someone, my old guy friend, suitor ko din before, kumuha siya ng psychology and syempre may work na din katulad ko. Alam kong malakas ang sixth sense niya, kaya sinama ko siya sa unit ko pero informed na siya sa nangyayari sakin, I mean sa soul ng bf ko, impulsive action na naman. Iniisip ko baka magselos na naman yung sensitive bf ko, kahit soul na siya he does not changed at all. Papasok na kami SANA sa unit, nang tumigil yung friend ko and said “Maghihintay ako dito sa labas, tell him first na may bisita ka, para di magulat at baka magalit” “Okay” So I went in, and talk to him. Okay lang daw, himala nga hindi siya paranoid, he actually smiled at me genuinely.
We are in the middle of my guy friend’s talking when he told me that “Sabihan mo siya, I can see how much he still cares for you, pero di na siya dapat na nandito” Gusto kong magalit sa kanya that time but I guess that is the right thing to do. I have been selfish these past few days, ako naman siguro ang dapat na magbigay. Kailangan na niyang pumunta sa pupuntahan niya, kahit na kinabukasan na yung anniversary namin, alam ko namang bumalik siya kasi nakapangako na siya sakin pero in-denial lang talaga ako.
Nung mga oras na nag-uusap kami ng friend ko, nasa loob lang ng room yung bf ko kaya nung umuwi na siya, I went in and talked to him. Di pa man ako nagsasalita, sunod-sunod ng tumulo yung mga luha ko, it was really painful, I can’t let go of him but I have to. Lumakas ang pag-iyak ko, parang bata na inagawan ng laruan, that’s the only thing I can do to lessen the pain. He was looking at me, pity and pain is evident to his eyes. I just cried in front of him until he said these things to me “Baby, sabi ko sayo dati walang iwanan diba? Pero ako yung unang nang-iwan. Di ko naman sinasadya eh, time ko na talaga siguro nun. Hindi ako umabot sa 6th anniversary natin siguro kasi we made a vow, na sa 7th anniv natin magpapakasal na tayo, God is still good on us. Kasi kung umabot pa ko ng 6th anniversary natin, ano sa tingin mo akong spirit ngayon? Maybe I am a bad one, a vengeful type kesyo ganito, ganyan, let’s look at the bright side of this situation, can we baby?”
And he silenced himself, he was just looking at me, siguro naghihintay ng mga sasabihin ko o kung meron man. Kahit magang maga ang mga mata ko nun, lumapit ako sa bed kung san siya nakaupo. “B-Baby? Dati pa man alam mo na selfish ako pagdating sayo” “Yeah and I like that” he interjected. “Baby, I’ll be okay promise. Salamat kasi binalikan mo ko, alam mo.. naisip kong nababaliw na ko eh, pero okay lang talaga mabaliw basta kasama kita, pathetic no?” He just chuckled as a response, ganyan siya pag nabo-boost ego niya, alam niyang mahal na mahal ko siya eh. “Baby, I guess babye na? Baby, Iloveyou so much to infinity and beyond, to the moon and back.” Last na sinabi ko sa kanya. “Tara, pahinga ka na, sasamahan kita” I just nodded, drain na drain na ako, this day was the longest day I’ve ever had.
Nung’ nakahiga na ako, he lies beside me and whispers “If given the chance to live again, I will still love you, Iloveyoumore baby, mahal na mahal kita, salamat sa pag intindi ng lahat lahat, rest well. Good night honey ko”
March 23, 2015. ika-6th anniversary na sana namin pero di na siya masyadong masakit. Nagulat pa ko kasi I found myself in the sofa, maybe I fell asleep there. I woke up with my red eyes and wet cheeks pero I can feel na medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko at nakakangiti na din ako. So I did my morning routine, after nun nagbasa ako ng mesages sa inbox ko, may isang text na nakacaught ng attention ko, a text from my co-worker “Pinapasabi ni boss, na ‘Wag ka munang pumasok, mag-rest ka daw, quota ka na daw sa OT haha. Joke hihi.” Sa isip ko sayang sana di muna ako naligo, but I re-read her message, maganda ng sigurado, mahirap nang masisante. Pero hindi ako sa text napatingin nun’ kundi sa nakalagay na details sa cp kong cherry mobile:
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(Co-worker’s name)
03- 19- 2015
07:51AM
Pinapasabi ni boss, na ‘wag ka munang pumasok, mag-rest ka daw, quota ka na daw sa OT haha. Joke hihi
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‘Oh, Goodness. So everything was just a dream?’
PS. Sorry magulo ang narration at sobrang
