✔ SLAPSHOT ✖ irwin au

forty-nine.

k a r r i s

✖

My heart was fractured beyond immeasurable pain. I didn't know it was possible to be so immersed in such desolation, that breathing itself was an agonizing torment. My body didn't feel like my body anymore. It was just a mere catacomb of emptiness, and with every moment my eyes were closed shut, I swam in the hollows of deep sorrow. I was reliving Gabe's death over and over again, but this time, the ache was an unwavering, formidable rain cloud that ceased to dissipate.

Twelve days.

Normal functionality of my life halted with no mercy. All I knew, touched, and saw for the last several days, were the four walls of my bedroom. Blinds drawn, lights off, and a heavy comforter were part of a new kind of routine. For fear of my life, my dad unhinged the bedroom door, keeping the entrance unobstructed. So when my mom quietly walked into my personal space without the need to knock on the wooden barricade, I could not lock myself in despite the tenacious urge.

"Karris? Anak ko, are you ready? We have to leave soon," mom informed. The words that fell from her mouth were interweaved with caution and softness.

(translation: my child, my dear)

I simply nodded my head, never turning over my shoulder to catch glimpse of my loving mother. I kept an eternal gaze out the window, where the somber world beyond the glass barrier matched the gloom clinging onto me like viscous tar. From across the road, my eyes watched Sophie exit her home and saunter straight for ours.

"I'm going to open the door for Sophie," mom told me, and a moment later, the warmth evaporated. Her light, floral perfume lingered in the air however, keeping me comfort.

The hushed voices of my parents and Sophie filled my ears and I knew it was time to leave. A heavy exhale tumbled from my lungs, and I spun on my heel. My purse was sprawled across the bed, and I grabbed the simple bag and hung it on my right shoulder. I made my way down the stair steps, finding my family placing shoes on their feet while still engaging in conversation with my neighbor. The black garb they wore that matched the dark dress on my own body, made this entire day surreal.

"My love," Sophie's eyes caught mine, opening her arms out for me to fall into. I stepped off the last few steps and hugged my dear friend.

"Thank you, Ate," I breathed, resting my chin against her shoulder. The warm maple lotion lathered on her skin gave me a sense of comfort, reminding me of the happiness that once filled my days.

(translation: older sister)

The four of us filtered into my dad's SUV, Sophie and I in the backseat. She held onto my hand the entire car ride, squeezing it every few moments to remind me that she would always be there. I rested my head against the cool glass window, watching the blurred images of Arden Heights swiftly pass by. My parents were sharing an innocent conversation, while the soft hum of the radio kept the vehicle from being too silent. The fifteen minute drive to St. Agnes Church didn't faze me at all. It wasn't until we neared the parking lot, when a familiar song began to seep through the speakers, and I felt my chest cinch with ache. The upbeat With Confidence tune was latched to a perfect day at the pier, and only made me think of one person.

Ashton.

I refused to be reminded of him; refused to drown my thoughts with memories that involved the hockey captain, because every time I did, only pain lacerated my entire being, and my tears would never subside. So instead of letting my mind take a dip in the endless ocean of Ashton, I forced myself to burn the excruciating moments.