How To Move

5

  I apologize.
  I feel like I'm still talking to you.
  I can't seem to realize that you're gone.

  I meant what I said though. I love you and I miss you, but I hate you for making me feel that way.

  I remember the first time I told you I loved you. We were having a huge fight.

  It was our second one and people were pretty tired of us. Our first fight had been about you not telling me about your past, about your father mostly. You constantly talked about your mother. The fight was more about keeping secrets, and we promised each other we wouldn't anymore. That's what made our second fight so much worse.
  It was because you had started drinking again.

  You weren't around as much and you were in a weird mood. It was starting to scare me. Then, one night, I saw you kissing Amber Pets, who had a thing for you since the second grade, who you always said you found, "absolutely revolting." 

  I pulled you away.
  I knew something was wrong.  

  You tried to kiss me and I immediately smelled alcohol on your breath. I remember how shocked I was, I couldn't really feel anything and then it all came rushing in. You had promised not to drink again. You had promised not to keep secrets. I valued honesty so much and I still do and you knew that. 

  I remember whispering, "you promised."
  I was so angry. 

  I also remember, with tears streaming down my face, slapping you and running away. You were to drunk to be the man who would've come after me. The next day you had a red mark on your face. You tried to talk to me, but I would not talk to you. I didn't feel like talking to anybody.

  The next day you finally managed a conversation with me. I don't know how but you did, and then, the stupidest thing you could've ever said, you said, "I just want you to forgive me. I love you." It was your first time and I hated you so much for saying that because it only made the pain worse. 

  I remember saying then just above a whisper, "you love me?" Then my voice rose. 

  "Did you think of that when you lied to me? Did you think of that every time you cracked open another bottle? Don't think of yourself for once, please! I love you too! Did you know that? You could've come to me! That's what you do when you love someone. You trust them and you go to them when you need help and don't give me that, I didn't want to hurt you or put this weight on you, bull shit. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when you love someone because that weight is on them anyway. Don't you see? Your pain is my pain no matter what you do because I love you." 

  Do you remember any of this?
  I don't think I ever fully trusted you again, but I loved you and you proved that you weren't lying. You got help. You changed for me.

  I remember exactly what I said, what I did. You changed for me . . .

            And then you left me.