How To Move

7

  You didn't reach out to me yesterday, or today. I guess you've moved on? 

  You probably think I've moved on.
  We have very different ways of dealing with this.

  The last thing you wrote to me was, I will always miss you. It was much shorter than others. I wish it was longer. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish you wouldn't remind me of the day you left. 

  The first time I heard you speak wasn't even the first time I saw you. 
  I first heard you at Allison's party. 

  It was the summer before our junior year and I had a crush on you that entire year, which was probably why she gave you a personal invitation. I remember being so pissed at her but that entire night she urged me to talk to you. I figured if you really wanted to talk to me you would. I was stupid. I didn't realize how shy you were.

  Allison ended up getting really drunk. Everyone did actually. I had to get out of that room so I went outside. I remember that it was a cold night for August and I was only wearing a gray lace dress. I was so cold and I was going through some shit at the time, but I saw you sitting there. You distracted me. I was eyeing the cigarette in you hand. It wasn't lit. You were spinning it around in your hand. I was so mesmerized I couldn't move my eyes from your fingers. They were tough and worn and a good size. They reminded me of my grandfather's hands. 

  I don't know if you remember, but I was practically raised by my grandfather. You reminded me of him , sometimes, when I didn't know you. 

  Soon enough, you noticed me watching you. I tried not to be embarrassed. I remember apologizing. You just stared at me. I remember asking if you were blind. I smile when I think about that, how stupid I was. It makes me laugh actually. 

  Your face twisted. "What?" You asked me. I began to ramble. I remember saying things like, "well you were staring at me but it didn't really look like you were looking at me and so I thought you might be blind because my uncle was blind for like the last three yeeeaars . . ." I slowed then, realizing I was probably annoying you. 

  "Sorry I talk a lot."
  "Don't stop." 
  You said that. You didn't want me to stop. I came and sat next to you on the rocking swing. You just watched me. I said the first thing I thought of. 

  "So do you like watching people or . . ." You smiled. 

  "I like watching you." I turned my head from you immediately and allowed a smile to dance on my face before turning back to you, hiding my expression behind my hair. 

  "I've never heard that one before. Granted I haven't heard a lot." 
  "You don't get many pick up lines?" Your smile grew wider. I shrugged. I was silent for a few moments, thinking of school, before I spoke again. 

  "Have you ever seen me before? Like at school?" I asked finally, curious. 
  "Yes. Your name is Danny. Short for Danica and you were in my general sciences class freshman year." 

 "I was?" I didn't remember that.

 "Wow. I guess you haven't really seen me around." I rolled my eyes and leaned back, trying to act more casual, to not show how freaking nervous I was. 

  "I have actually. Your name is Will. Short for William and I see you everyday after swim practice because you have a janitorial job at the school." 

  You looked away as I spoke. It was quiet. You began to twirl the cigarette around in your fingers again. 

  "You smoke?" I asked finally, sitting back up. 
  "Trying not to," was all you said. I stared at the nasty thing for a long time before asking, "you gotta light?" You nodded and handed me your old red one with the blue star on it. I stole the cigarette out of your hand, lit it, put it to my lips, and took a drag.

  I wasn't normally that bold, but you were so intoxicating. I felt like I could do anything I wanted to. I felt that way until you left.

  After taking two or three drags, I stuffed out the cigarette. I was about to get up and leave but you stopped me. 

  "Don't tell anybody I had a smoke," you whispered.

  "Your secret is safe with me," I told you. I left, but I kept the lighter. You told me to keep it.

  I still have that lighter.