Vent

vent 13

i think i figured out why i make myself seem "intimidating and confident"
people tell me i intimidate people and i also quite often get told people are scared of me, and i can't really understand why exactly.
sure i can be 'scary' when i'm angry and all that crap but generally i'm just a small chubby loner??
and i think that's why i try and make myself seem closed off and intimidating to people either taller or older, even younger, than me.
i guess i do it because i don't want to let myself get trampled on as much as beforehand to it.
but i still don't think people need to be scared of me. i ask people if im intimidating and most say yes, but people like my dad say it's because im confident, which isnt true, i make myself seem confident and make myself unapproachable to some because i don't want them to be able to idk,, get into my head again.
i guess its defence of myself again.
but really i don't why people should be scared of me, but there are times people joke and ask if i "have bipolar or something" which scares the shit out of me because its what my dad has, and i don't want to be anything like my dad, his mood can change like a light switch being flicked, he was in the military and he was raised in a completely different environment to what we moved to in the uk. it scares me when people joke about that because my dad and my sister have it, and i'm scared it could be a running thing, because i can have these massive mood swings, which i have no idea how people deal with me daily, it can be one thing that can change my entire focus of the day and it fucking sucks. i hate it and i wish i could get a fucking grip like ive been told to do. i feel like ive fucked up entire friendships and relationships with how quickly my mood changes and i seriously wonder if it's that what scares people. if it's my sudden change in emotion and how quickly i can go from talking to someone about something thats happened the previous night to yelling at someone for either doing something or saying something. i really feel as though i shouldn't talk as much as i do because i tend to just fuck up so. i really just hope i dont turn out like my dad, i never want to be like him. ever. but i need to get a grip on my mood swings and pull myself together for once.